The only certainty is bad grammar

so ya. moving sucks.

a lot.

and if you’re thinking ‘but crystal, YOU move so often that you’ve got to be used to it by now.’ you’re a stupidhead. HELLO! who the h*ll gets USED to things that suck? (think: fillings, laundry, long commutes.) nobody. instead, you just get a blog and complain about them.

i spent ALL DAY yesterday moving all my things from Oshkosh (b’gosh), Wisconsin to various illinois locations. and by ‘all day’, i actually mean ‘two days’ because i woke up at 7 a.m. and i didn’t hit the pillow until 1 a.m.

that’s 18 hours people! my secret platinum deodorant doesn’t even work that long. (i know that because of the unofficial test i did yesterday).  

(oh. in case i don’t call you 14 times a day to tell you about my life and you’re thinking ‘WAIT! CRYSTAL! YOU’RE MOVING!??, here’s the background: im starting a new job in chicagoland tuesday. since i despise security deposits, im just going to crash with my bff in naperville for a few months while i figure out my life. however, she has no room for me so im putting most of my stuff in storage containers — now strategically located in my aunt’s hallway and my mom’s kitchen.)

ok. back to me complaining:

hot damn, moving a two-bedroom apartment’s worth of stuff down from the second floor is some hard sh*t. and moving it up to second-floor apartments on the other end after driving for 3.5 hours is harder. 

here’s how my day from hades went:

i woke up when the sun did. i showered. i packed. and packed. and packed. and then i did some dishes, so i could pack them. then i dusted so i could take a break from packing. then my mom asked where she should pack my condoms. then i took over packing the bathroom.

then i went with my dad (a former professional truck driver) to pick up the u-haul. $420 stupid dollars later (including gas and stupid liability insurance) we were ready to load. 

that took about 78 hours (ish). 

then, just as we were ready to do a final walk through someone (im not going to name names) dropped a glass jar full of pennies in the kitchen.

this is when i realized that God hates me.

have you ever tried to pick up 567 pennies while avoiding tiny pieces of glass? it’s pretty risky. none of us could afford to lose our most valuable moving asset (our hands) so we had to just sweep the penny-glass concoction into a ziplock bag for later sorting.

sigh.

then we (me and my family) drove to the rockford-area to dump as much as i could at family members houses while i distracted them by giving them free things, like a tv and a lamp.  

after some quick burger king (not for me. im vegan dork.) we hit the road to naperville.

however, because moving ALWAYS takes longer than expected we didn’t get there until like mid-night. my bff lives in a condo association where they have some crazy rules about not moving in after sun down. (i know, lame right?) since we were all too tired to follow rules, we opted to move my couch and entertainment center up to her second-story apartment without talking.

aside from the part where my shelves fell out of the entertainment center, i think we were successful at keeping quiet.

then i unpacked the water-logged fridge food from the cooler.

then i went to sleep.

and even though im exhausted by all this damn moving, i should be throwing my arms to the air in excitment because although i move every six to eight months my amazing family still keeps helping me with this horrid, horrid process.

really. they do. (i know! crazy, right?) I haven’t figured out why yet either but im thinking it’s because they think i’ll be rich one day and then I’ll give them stuff. i should probably tell them im a journalist huh?

anyway, im REALLY excited to be living in chicagoland. near a whole foods and guys who use a lot of hair gel.

and for those of you fretting about my recent lack of blogging, you’re now in luck because my bff has a computer.

with internet.

Saweet.

but i can’t blog anymore right now because i have to unpack.

moving sucks.