taxes – The only certainty is bad grammar

frick. the irs knows more about me than ME.

Published: February 26, 2009 / Updated: February 26, 2009 Crystal humor, medium

i almost just failed a quiz about myself.

the irs was all, we just need you to answer a few questions before we can give you your adjusted gross income.

me: ok

nice man from the IRS: what’s your social. (this one i answer with ease).

nice man again: what’s your address?

me: my current one? or the one i filed from last year?

man: give me both and we’ll see.

i give him both. but it’s neither.

me: hmm. well, i lived in Naperville for like a month, is it the one in Naperville?

nice man: yes. what’s that address?

i give it to him. but i cannot for the life of me remember the apartment number or zip code.

nice man now laughing at me: it’s ok. i can ask another question. what form did you file last year?

me: crap. i KNEW you were going to ask me that. i don’t know. the one turbo tax told me to file?

man: well. ok. it’s all right. you don’t have to get every question right.

me: i haven’t got ANY question right.

man: ok. ok. where did you work in 2007?

me: hmm. i worked in two places. i worked for gannett. and umm. the capital journal. who owned the capital journal? i cannot remember. FRICK!

man from the irs now taking pity on me: it’s ok. it’s ok. the gannett answer will do. here’s your agi.

and that’s when i realized that the government is wasting WAY too much time keeping tabs on me.

im pretty sure this is mis-directed anger. but STILL

Published: February 24, 2009 / Updated: February 26, 2009 Crystal humor, medium

stupid, fudging IRS! I mean holy heck people. is it SO hard to give me last year’s AIG AGI so i can freaking file my taxes? that’s all i need! just one little itsiby number.

ok. ok. i shouldn’t have lost last year’s return. i should have kept it in a fire proof box or something. but i didn’t. i lost it. it’s gone. we all need to just MOVE ON. and tell me my adjusted gross income.

shouldn’t be too big of a deal, seeing as how there is a convenient 800-number im told you set up so i could call during normal business hours to get that information. op. nope. nevermind.because THAT number was too busy to even put me on hold. no. no. no. instead they just hung up on me. that’s right. THE IRS AUTOMATED ANSWERING SERVICE HUNG UP ON ME! what? what? what?

i would have waited uncle sam. i swear. i don’t have to work for like three hours, and im just sitting here online. one measly step away from filing my taxes and getting my refund. but NO. you couldn’t even give me the option of waiting. nope. you were all snippy with your “due to the high volume of calls, we recommend you call back during the next business day. good-bye.”

well screw you irs. screw you.

and while we’re on the subject. screw you wisconsin department of revenue as well because YOU won’t let me efile AT ALL. it is 2009 WISCONSIN! get on board for crist’s sake. get. on. board.

here. i’ll help. internet meet wisconsin. wisconsin meeting internet.

there. now we can all be friends.

i don’t think this makes me a bad person

April 3, 2008 Crystal medium, wisconsin

ummm, i have a confession to make.

i haven’t done my taxes yet.

mostly I’m scared that I’ll have to pay $3 million (ish) to get them done because aside from my federal taxes, like four states are involved. (for those who don’t know, i lived in iowa, south dakota and wisconsin in 2008 and also lived in illinois while working in iowa).

my secret plan was to do an article for my paper about places to get taxes done free and then get my taxes done free and one of the places.

but i had a mistake about capital gains in the article and there was a ‘thing’ with the woman at the free tax center where she didn’t want to give me her name for the interview and i had to be kind of condesending to her (note: hey dorks, if you want a reporter to ever USE anything you give them, you have to give them you’re stupid name. dorks.).

i refuse to pay a private citizen to do ANYthing required of me by the government, so NO! I won’t be going to handrblock or jacksonhewitt or even janedoeaccounting.

this has all resulted in me not getting my taxes done.

my new plan is to suck it up and call the free tax center. and disguise my voice. and go by my middle name.

im thinking the lady probably forgot me anyway so it shouldn’t be a big deal. right?

UPDATE: umm, i think i just did my taxes with turbo tax online. except they told me to print something and i don’t have a printer, so that might be a problem later….