frick. the irs knows more about me than ME.

i almost just failed a quiz about myself.

the irs was all, we just need you to answer a few questions before we can give you your adjusted gross income.

me: ok

nice man from the IRS: what’s your social. (this one i answer with ease).

nice man again: what’s your address?

me: my current one? or the one i filed from last year?

man: give me both and we’ll see.

i give him both. but it’s neither.

me: hmm. well, i lived in Naperville for like a month, is it the one in Naperville?

nice man: yes. what’s that address?

i give it to him. but i cannot for the life of me remember the apartment number or zip code.

nice man now laughing at me: it’s ok. i can ask another question. what form did you file last year?

me: crap. i KNEW you were going to ask me that. i don’t know. the one turbo tax told me to file?

man: well. ok. it’s all right. you don’t have to get every question right.

me: i haven’t got ANY question right.

man: ok. ok. where did you work in 2007?

me: hmm. i worked in two places. i worked for gannett. and umm. the capital journal. who owned the capital journal? i cannot remember. FRICK!

man from the irs now taking pity on me: it’s ok. it’s ok. the gannett answer will do. here’s your agi.

and that’s when i realized that the government is wasting WAY too much time keeping tabs on me.

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Comments (3)

  1. Meg

    This was hilarious!

  2. SCVegan

    I am reminded of this time I accompanied my father to a location in the valley where the author of a book about fighting cancer was supposed to be speaking. I couldn’t find information about the public appearance on-line, as this was a word of mouth event only. The people that invited my father seemed nice enough, so I went with him so he didn’t have to go alone to some weird place. Also, I’m usually interested in such things so I was interested in what the guy had to say.

    As we walked in I took a quick scan of the room as I always do, and I got the distinct feeling that we must be in the wrong place. I mean, obviously we were in the right place according to the address given to us but there was just something about this crowd. Easily over a hundred people and a good mixture of different age groups and what not. Still, they just didn’t strike me as cancer survivors, cancer patients, cancer specialists or anyone even remotely interested in anything having to do with health care in general.

    My father and I found two seats about four or five rows back from the stage area. After about 15 minutes a man got up and started speaking. People in the room were having their own conversations so it was hard to understand exactly what the guy way saying into the microphone, but I did make out the sentence, “This is why I do not have a social security number! This is why we need to put judges in jail!

    The man was wearing a shirt in that shade of olive green reserved for Sheriff Deputies with large yellow writing that read, “JAIL FOR JUDGES”. Another person got up to speak, a woman this time urging people to stop paying taxes. She said that she has never filed taxes though she is easily in her 50’s. One by one more people got up to speak on various topics, though all fit this theme of how to stay below the government’s radar.

    My father is a little freaked out, though he keeps his composure and leans over to me and whispers, this kind of stuff scares me a bit. After over an hour of crazy-people ranting into a microphone, the man of the hour steps out from behind closed doors. This guy speaks for over an hour himself, and the topic of his speech was how to gather people to join our cause and infiltrate the federal government by way of being elected to office for the purposes of overthrowing it and re-make America to their own beliefs and values.

    Supposedly they already had a dozen members in various government positions at the time of this event, and of course their identities were not disclosed. At the end of the speech they began asking for people to sign up, pay dues and be part of this movement.

    We didn’t sign up and instead we decided to sneak away before the place got raided by the FBI and we were sent off to Guantanamo.

  3. SCVegan

    ^ true story


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