lifting yourself up

today i downloaded music from my roommates rhapsody account onto my 2GB memory card, which i recently installed in my Barbie-pink crackberry. Strangely, her and i have similar musical tastes, which is probably based on the fact that we are still on the cusp of the industry’s target market, so i got myself a good helping up Rhianna and Brittney. the songs are for working out, so they are supa upbeat and what not.

yes. yes. i’ve started working out and such. only i haven’t actually started lifting weights yet because my mom scared the gall bladder out of me when she mentioned that my insides might not be all the way healed after my recent surgery — a fear i had not had until she mentioned it with panic over the phone.

i used to lift weights though. back in my grad school days id wake up every morning at 4:45 a.m. so i could get to the gym by 5 a.m. and work out with this amazing trainer who i had flirted into working out with me for free. and aside from the minor-ly annoying sexual harassment, i thought it was a pretty good deal.

he’d yell at me while i did the stair master, then explain to me how all the various weight machines worked. and im not sure how i got it in to my head to lose weight and stick with it, but holy dumbbell did i ever commit myself to the place.

not only did i never miss a day, i also gave up all alcoholic beverages under my new found belief that empty calories such as the type found in long island ice teas were just not worth the pain. and i only drank pop on wednesday nights during my weekly dinners with stephanie. and i ate 5 meals a day to keep my metabolism on the up and up.

and i lost weight. 30 pounds actually. and on the day i got my diploma from grad school, i worked out and weighed myself and then out of bliss, slid into a clingy black dress to wear under my gown. and everyone was so impressed. and they would say things like “wow, you look SO good” and a little part of me would wonder whether i had looked good before, but then I’d convince myself that i’d never gain the weight back and therefore never look like that again, so it was all a moot point really.

only the part of me even littler than that knew i would gain the weight back. because even though i had worked out. and given up all forms of alcohol and eaten five small meals a day, the only reason i actually lost weight was the diet pills i was taking.

and i when i stopped the “as close to meth as you can legally get” pills, i gained back 12 pounds in about three weeks.

and i tried to take the pills again, but this time my body knew to say no from day one, and i got really dizzy at work and had to have a co-worker drive me home at 1 a.m. because i was a horrid copyeditor and that’s when i got off.

so i had to give up on the diet pills, and as a result face the fact that nobody really does anything out of shear will power alone. somewhere, somehow they always have help. maybe it’s friends. maybe it’s God. maybe it’s diet pills. but nobody, anywhere, ever does anything out of shear will power alone.

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