Where my heart is

I’m totally addicted to spray tans.

I got this package from this place across the street from my house, where I pay $40 up front and then for 5 months I get $10 spray tans. ACROSS THE STREET. $10!!! YIPPEE!!! YAY!!! WOHOO!!!

It started with like two a month, but then I thought, if two a month are good, then four a month are great! AND THEN, I was like, well, seven days is kind of long to go between spray tans, so I got one after five days last week.

It’s a problem. OK. I know. Geeze.

I’m working on it.

OK. I’m not really working on it. It’s so fun and they make my blue eyes pop like daggers, and I love them.

Plus, they give you these little stickers, so you can get like spray tan tattoos when you do it, and I got a heart sticker and put it on my wrist and I know it looks guido , but if I die tomorrow, I would like to have a little heart on my wrist all right?

Plus, you know, seeing as how I go around wearing my heart on my sleeve the whole thing is almost poetic.

Speaking of hearts, I’m still single.

Also, I really, really hate when people ask me why I’m single. It’s too the point that I just assume people are thinking it when they meet me, even though they’re probably just thinking about the laundry or the dishes or my typos.

I assume though, that in their minds, they’re all, ‘Hmm, she LOOKS normal. Something must be wrong though. Maybe she kills puppies in her spare time, or maybe her feet smell like garbage mixed with old milk, or maybe she’s just dumb.’

I don’t, they don’t and I’m not.

But whatever.

It’s cool.

I’m cool with it.

I’m single. And I’m still a pretty OK person. All right?

And if I die single with my heart on my wrist, well, then so be it.

But I’d rather not.

I’d rather be with my partner, my soul mate, my one and only.

Are those things even real? Do they exist? Should I just give up?

I don’t know, but I’m starting to think my heart will survive either way.

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  1. Spray tan is so interesting to me. i mean, the idea of people basically painting themselves for cosmetic reasons is fascinating. i guess i should consider myself fortunate that i tan without trying. haha.

    DUDE! Right?! I don’t like people asking me questions in general, let alone inquiring about status like they’re writing my unauthorized biography or something. My friend’s GF just asked me why i’m not married. I wasn’t quite sure how to respond to that. it’s like asking someone why they’re not a multi-millionaire. All i could think to say is to repeat the question back at her. Why aren’t YOU married?! Huh? Answer me that! Turns out my friend did propose to her, and she declined. so then i felt a little awkward. But i thought they should feel more awkward than i do, so i started talking about how their babies would look and turn out.

    I had a lot of beer that night.

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