see. this is why you shouldn’t have a stupid anonymous blog.

Dear SCVegan,

where the heck ARE you?

as my most loyal commenter it took me all of two posts to notice your absence. alas, i thought perhaps you had just decided i was no longer funny.

but now, it’s been a few weeks, and not only have you stopped responding to my musings, but you also haven’t blogged or tweeted yourself since June 29.

and im not going to lie. im worried about you.

seriously. im freaking out over here.

i even sent you a concerned e-mail in which i asked if you were perhaps trapped under a large bookshelf, but you have yet to reply.

the worst part of this whole mess is that i cannot even find you if i wanted to.

all i know is that you are vegan; you most likely live in santa clarita, california; one of your names is nolan; and you work for a t-shirt design company.

yes, i HAVE typed all those things into Google, but even the master of search cannot help me with this.

i recently resorted to asking quarrygirl about you on twitter. sadly though, she doesn’t know where you are either.

my roommate insists that you are probably just on vacation, but i explained to her that people surly can at least tweet while out of town.

this whole travesty could have been avoided if you had just posted your full name on your site or sent me your phone number or SOMETHING!

instead, im left to sit here on my couch, worried that the worst has happened, while hoping that maybe someone just stole your laptop and you haven’t had time to go the library to use the interweb.

in conclusion, i really hope someone stole your lap top.

sincerely, love,


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i wish i had one of those money tree things.

if my optimistic calculations are correct, i have exactly $5. 47 to get me to Friday.

I had $6.47, but I felt I should give at least a dollar to the church offering. so ya.

im not trying to sound depressing, or suggesting i need donations. really. im not.

im just hoping that one day i can look back on this post and be all ‘ya me, im a millionaire now. i was so broke in my 20s. but luckily i got super rich since then.’

plans for becoming rich include (but are not limited to): getting my blog mentioned on oprah, marrying “rich” (aka, someone who makes more than $38,000 annually), and, umm. ya. that’s all i’ve got.

don’t worry though, i’ve got like food and stuff. i mean, i spent parts of my pay check at the grocery story like a responsible person and whatnot. and i’ve got half a tank of gas, so as long as i don’t have to drive anywhere besides work, i’ll be good.

you might be like, ‘crystal, why are you so broke? i thought you had a master’s degree and a grown-up job?’

well, i do. i do. but unfortunately, this whole journalism thing doesn’t pay as well as i’d hoped.

also, i decided to spend $125 to get my hair dyed on this pay check.

im told that in normal-people land, $125 is chunk change. but for me it was ALL of my change.

alas, my hair DOES look splendid, but im pretty sure it would have been smarter to just let the roots show. i mean, they weren’t THAT bad. right?

well, anyway, hindsight, 20/20, you know.

and don’t worry, im trying harder to budget and stuff. it’s just hard because i don’t really have money to budget.

so ya.

now excuse me while i fantasize about the day i’ll have enough money to go to taco bell again.

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that’s me, in seat 35B, audibly gasping.

one time my friend phil and i saw a movie about something (i think george clooney was in it) and there was a torture scene.

and i was all GASP!  breathe out. GASP! breathe out. GASP! breathe out. like ever three seconds because HELLO THAT MAN WAS PULLING OUT THAT OTHER MANS NAILS!

phil never forgave me. never saw a movie with me again.

it was the only way we could remain friends outside of theaters.

but now my poor roommate has to suffer because alas, she has nowhere to go.

and tonight she and i went to see one of my youth group kids from church in a production of West Side Story. (hi jane!) (she was a jet girl).

but OMG have you SEEN this thing?

there’s fighting, and suspense, and sexist remarks, and multiple stabbings.

oh. and a gun shot.


grabbed my roommate’s shoulder when that happened. true story.

im not good with such things. actually, well, whatever, im just not good at sitting next to people while watching stuff. west side story, law and order, burn notice, 30 rock, iCarly, city council meetings, toast coming out of a toaster.

they all shock the crap out of me.

and i gasp all the day long. i try to manually hold my mouth closed to combat this, but it doesn’t work. im just SO surprised when things happen.

im going to go ahead and assume this is the reason im single. you know that, and the whole iCarly thing.

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