god – Page 15 – The only certainty is bad grammar

I need your help.

Published: May 16, 2010 / Updated: May 16, 2010 Crystal god, humor

Hello all,

As many of you know, over the last year I have been the leader of the high school youth group at my church, First United Methodist Church of Woodstock.

That means, I’m the Bible-verse explainer, whip-cream supplier, mission trip-planner, pie-sale promoter, prayer intervener, God-related-game creator, church-politics-handler, Facebook-stalker, parent-newsletter writer, tough-times/any times-listener, and all-around nice gal.

I love every second of it.

I really, really do.

High school students have this mold-able quality about them that makes spending time with them refreshing and rewarding. They’re one-part adult, one-part idealistic child and one-part crazy-hormone mess. But when you mix all three, you end up with someone who can take advice, and offer their own opinion in response – all while thinking it is the most (insert: exciting/upsetting/great/awful/best/worst) thing ever to happen ever.

Of course, I couldn’t do any of my work with the students without God, so I pray every day he will help me reach them. Thankfully, (most) every Sunday, he does.

Now, I’m asking that you’ll help me and God with that goal as well.

We are planning a youth group trip to Florida, for the end of June. Twenty-five of us — four adults, 20 students and one amazing junior leader– will trek down there in two 15-passenger vans (I’m kind of scared to drive the vans) all in the name of God. While there, we’ll work with children, the elderly and the homeless.

But we need your support to get there.

First, of course, we need your prayer. Lots, and lots and lots of prayer.

If you don’t believe in God, then we need your happy thoughts. Lots and lots and lots of happy thoughts.

Also, we need financial support. We’ve baked pies, made pancakes and sold soup all in an effort to reach our goal of raising $10,000.

But, that’s a LOT of money.

A lot.

And we’re not quite there yet.

So, as the group’s leader I’m making a personal plea on our behalf for support.

If you feel God calling you to help us, you can send a check made out to: First United Methodist Church of Woodstock to: 971 Quill Lane, Woodstock, Il, 60098.

Any amount, big or small, will be really, really, really appreciated.

Seriously.

Also, the trip is at the end of June, and we’re in the final planning stages, so I’m kind of hoping God will compel you to help soon rather than later, if you get my drift.

I know many of you already are praying for me, and I sincerely thank you for that.

And for those you who feel compelled to help us out now, thank you for that too.

Thank you times 1 trillion.

Thank you.

I couldn’t do any of this without you or God, and I know that.

So, seriously, thank you.

Love,
Crystal Lindell

I need you to need me.

Published: May 6, 2010 / Updated: May 6, 2010 Crystal anti-meat, feminism?, god, humor, im cool, medium

I was strolling though the Barnes and Noble yesterday at the mall where that girl got stabbed (true story) and I saw this book called, “Why men love b*tches.”

And I was all, “Crap, why DO men love b*tches?” So I picked it up and read it. The entire first two pages. And it had all this stuff in there about how men like a “mental challenge” and women who “know what they want” and I was all, “Frick. I’m too nice.”

Then, I kind of started freaking out in a needy sort of way.

That’s how I roll.

I’m needy, with a capital NEEDY.

Wait. Please don’t go. Stay. Please. PLEASE!

I usually just blame all my screwed-upness on my childhood, because my childhood was very weird. No. No. Weirder than whatever you’re thinking right now. In fact, take whatever you’re thinking, times it by 40 and add dead mice.

To be fair, the dead mice thing mostly was handled by little brother Steve while I was at college (Go Steve!). But still, there were dozens of dead mice. In my house!

So ya. That’s why I’m screwed up.

I have this problem where I constantly worry that whichever boy I’m with will find a hotter girl because there’s no way I’ll ever be THE hottest girl ever and boys only like girls for looks, right? I worry that I’ll call too much. Or that he’ll randomly leave. And now, I worry that I worry too much.

I don’t understand how to date.

I just want a boy to come along, and not suck and embrace all my neediness with a smile and not worry about the fact that when it comes to men I have the confidence of a cow at a slaughter house (that’s my vegetarian plug of the day). I don’t want to pretend I’m easy going when I’m clearly not. I don’t want to pretend that I don’t like to know plans in advance, when I clearly do. And I don’t want to make you think it’s OK if you’re atheist when it is clearly not.

I don’t want to work on me for you. I want to just be me with you.

And, I’m kind of awesome once you get past the fact that I like to call you six times a day and text 500 times an hour. I’m smart, I have a strong faith and some people call me pretty. Once in a while, I bet I’ll make you laugh, I’ll never judge you for eating Taco Bell, and I’ll talk football with you any day of the week and twice on Sundays.

Oh, and I have a super awesome blog.

And if a guy would just take three seconds to see past my shaking hands, and total lack of confidence, I bet we could totally rock together.

Maybe. Probably. Eventually. Right?

The most important sales pitch

Published: April 16, 2010 / Updated: April 16, 2010 Crystal god, humor, medium, Wow

I’m a little worried that I’m better at selling Google than I am at selling God.

With Google, I’m all, “OMG! How are you NOT on Google Voice? The product will change your life right this instant and all you have to do is nothing. That’s IT. And then you can screen calls, READ your voice mail. (True story. You can READ your voice mail. How are you doing this yet??), and listen to people leaving you a voice mail WHILE they leave it. It’s just like in the olden days when people had answering machines! Fan-tastic.”

Or, I’m all “Get on Google Documents right now. First, it converts files to things you can actually open on a Mac. Second, it converts anything to a PDF for free. Third, you can let other people make edits on anything. And fourth, you can open your documents anywhere. Even the moon!!”

But when it comes to God, I’m just like “I love him. You should too. The end.”

I think it’s because when I try to sell people on Google, and they say “You’re a stupid idiot head and you suck and I’ll never use it ever, even if it would save the earth from an attack of giant alien mosquitoes who shoot gasoline out of their noses and take all the cute guys.” I can be all, “Your loss.” And go on my merry way.

But when someone responds like that after I tell them about God, I’m all, “Crap. Now you’re going to go to hell. Crap. Crap. Crap. (Heavy, depressing sigh). Are you sure you don’t just want to try going to church? No. Really? Not even with the attacking mosquitoes and stuff? Oh. OK. Well, I’ll ask again tomorrow then I guess.”

Except, well, I usually don’t ask again tomorrow.

The rejection is too much to take, so I end up going on my merry way. But with this, it’s my loss because I really believe that the person won’t be there in heaven with me when I die.

And that sucks.

A lot.

So I need to get better at pitching God.

This blog post is my first step I think.

I’d like to say that it will be followed by a one-on-one invite from me to ask you to come to church, where I’m all, “God is so freaking awesome. How are you not Christian like yesterday? First off, he’s free. Free-er than Google! Second, he helps you with every single problem ever. Third, he loves you. Fourth, he believes in you. Fifth, he comes with some really great music. And Sixth, you can talk to him anywhere! Even in your bedroom, when you’re alone under the covers and scared and panicked and crying and you don’t see a way out. Even there!”

I’d like to say I’d have that conversation with you, but I’m pretty sure that’s not going to happen this week.

I’m scared to ask you. I’m scared you’ll look at me like I’m a stupid idiot head.

But you should know that I pray for you every night.

Every.

Single.

Night.

Also, you should know that my church (The Woodstock First United Methodist Church, 201 W. South St.) is having a faith and praise worship Saturday at 5 p.m. It’s like one hour of your life. That’s it. And I promise you won’t regret it. All you have to do is show up. And if you have any questions, just come up to me and be all, “Hey Crystal, what’s the Saturday-night church thing about?” and we’ll go from there.

And maybe next month I’ll get up the courage to just ask you in person. (That’s another thing I pray for every single night).