humor – Page 45 – The only certainty is bad grammar

The story of how I met Hugh MacLeod and he SIGNED MY BOOK!

Published: September 9, 2009 / Updated: September 9, 2009 Crystal humor, im cool, long

A few months ago I got this book called “Ignore everybody. and 39 other keys to creativity.” and I read it in one sitting. and then I read it again. and then I showed it to everyone I know. And then I read it again. I loved it as much as nearly as much as I love johnny depp.

The author Hugh MacLeod became my hero. The man made me want to be a better person, with his awesome advice such as “Never try to sell a meteor to a dinosaur. it wastes your time and annoys the dinosaur.” AND “Quality isn’t job number one. Being totally f*cking amazing is job number one.” (except he didn’t use a star in the F-word, like I did – he’s a little bit cooler than me).

because I love him so much, I facebook-stalked him. and then I twitter-stalked him. and one time I tweeted about how he was my hero, and he @ replied!

author sigh.

yesterday I was doing my daily facebook stalk of his profile, when I saw this magical, amazing, wonderful post:

#Chicago #Tweetup tonight with @gapingvoid and @vinnywarren: Felix Hotel (at the bar). 111 W. Huron (@ Clark) 7pm.

holy crap. I LIVE by chicago! I could totally go to that!!

for about three seconds, I worried about imposing on some sort of close-door meeting meant only for his real-life friends, so I Facebook-ed him to be sure it was an open invitation.

He said:

Sure, come along! See you there 🙂

Can I get an “OMG!”

I pulled out the dangling silver earrings, a lovely purple top and greet heels.

All I needed was my voice. Not like, my “writer’s voice.” My actual real voice.

Laryngitis had left me sounding like a bar whore who’d been living on a pack a day for 43 years while also regularly attending rock concerts. I was scratchy and squeaky and awful. I drank hot tea, refused to talk to anyone all afternoon and hoped for the best.

The best didn’t happen.

When I arrived, I squeaked out a “heeeloo.”

Everyone assured me that I sounded like a jazz singer, which helped (ish) but even still, I kept pretty quiet and mostly just looked around in wonder and amazement, while everyone told WAY cooler stories than anything I could come up with.

And anyway, my secret plan really was just to get Hugh to sign my book. I didn’t want to look crazy though, so when I came in, I hid it in my coat. (I’m sure the large square-shaped thing in my pocket was TOTALLY sly).

After about an hour, I worked up the nerve to ask his business manager if I’d be weird to ask for an autograph. He gave me the “you’re such a silly little girl. yes you are. oh yes you are” look, and said “It’d be fine.”

Not only did Hugh sign it though, he also drew a picture! (this is exciting because he’s a cartoonist).

Best night eva.

le sigh.

I’m pretty sure he just got a new fan for life.

Just in case you think I’m making the whole thing up, here’s proof that I really am cool. It’s a picture of Hugh holding the book he signed for me (you can see how it would be hard to fit in a coat pocket):

random thoughts. version 2.8.4 / yogurt, boys and God

Published: September 5, 2009 / Updated: September 5, 2009 Crystal humor, im cool, medium, random thoughts

• last night i forgot to take out my contacts because i was tired. then, while reading about jay leno in Time, i rubbed my eye. then i was all, ‘why is everything all blurry now?’ and i rubbed my eye some more. then i remembered the stupid contacts. there’s about a 3 percent chance that one currently is lodged behind my right eyeball.

• I’ve been freaking out less and less about this whole youth group leadership thing. i feel like i’ve got a pretty good support system in place. and yesterday i found faith foam stickers at Meijer -a clear (ish) sign that this is what God wants me to be doing.

• i’ve lost 18 pounds since Aug. 1. and that’s no rounding, or estimating or anything. it’s a genuine 18 pounds. according to a real digital scale. only two people have noticed (one was my grandma). what the crap does a girl gotta do to get a “you like nice” around here?

• the only reason i eat yogurt is that the show burn notice makes it look so cool.

• i really hope all the episodes of flip this house on TLC were filmed like three years ago. because anything else would just be too depressing for home improvement television on a saturday morning.

• my blog should be loading supa dupa fast now. it’s on a amazing new server via GoDaddy and it’s set-up especially for wordpress blogs (or so im told). ive noticed a difference and i hope you do too because i still love my site design, and i was thinking i would have to change it to make things load better.

• speaking of blogs, i’ve been using a new search engine optimization program. i kind of think SEO is a bunch of voodoo magic, but i hope it works anyway.

• i really hate when people leave snide messages on facebook in response to my status updates. you may think you sound funny, but it doesn’t read funny. it reads mean. and do you people have nothing better to do with your time than leave me snide remarks so you can feel superior?

• one time I made out with a guy during my junior year of college and then i never talked to him again. ever. my junior year of college was in 2004. he still calls me. like once every few months. i have never ever even returned a phone call. that’s weird right?

i hate mice and i’ll even say it twice. i. hate. mice.

Published: September 3, 2009 / Updated: September 3, 2009 Crystal humor, medium, sh*tty things that happen to me

before i even start telling you this story, i would like the record to show that i am a vegetarian AND that i have even gone months at a time as a vegan, where i ate nothing but tofurky and pretzels. and that i do these things because i love animals.

I LOVE them.

also, i would like the record to show that i love the dog i live with so much that i pick up his poop nearly every day with just a cheap wal-greens bag between my hand and his feces. and after i wash my hands, i then play ball with him for hours on end, even though he carries it back to me over and over and over in the same mouth that has the same tongue he uses to lick ALL the parts of his body.

so it’s not like i just go around trying to kill random creatures. i’d actually argue that the opposite is true.

but OMG THE FREAKING MICE IN THE GARAGE MUST DIE!

they are gross, and scary smart and icky and stupid and ugly and if they come into the house, im moving.

i once caught 12 mice in my Springfield apartment, and I’m sure that David Fitzgerald will be happy to tell you the story of how i thought the mouse poop was bits of chocolate on my counter because i was stupid and naive and could not imagine a world where mice would invade MY house.

i was so dumb. not only did they invade my kitchen, they also had no qualms about going number two right next to my bed. WHERE I SLEPT!

i tried to be nice and all vegetarian-like at first and bought the stupid live traps. but within in one day, they outsmarted it. they somehow used little “mice teamwork” to rig it so they could get the food and escape.

one day.

and once i went to grab a bag of tortilla chip and there were MICE IN THERE!!!!

WHAT THE CRAP?

i ended up giving in and killing them with snap traps. (don’t tell peta).

basically the whole springfield mice saga has led to a deep, deep hatred of the stupid rodents. and when i saw one run across the garage a few weeks ago, i screamed like i was on a roller coaster despite the fact that i was actually on a phone. (sorry diana).

i immediately texted my roommate (the head of the household) that “WE HAVE MICE IN THE GARAGE AND NEED TRAPS”

i even used all caps like that, even though it takes a half second longer for each letter, because she needed to UNDERSTAND.

she got traps. and then put peanut butter on them and set them up.

and we caught one mouse.

and then the other mice figured out how to eat all the peanut butter off the trap without dying.

I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO DO THAT?!? what the crap?

now my roommate has decided to step it up – with electric traps. apparently it will shock the mouse, which then dies in a convenient compartment.

if this doesn’t work, im told an exterminator will be called in.

if THAT doesn’t work, there might just be an accidental fire along the 900 block of quil lane. (mice die in fires right? or do they somehow outsmart that too?)