humor – Page 50 – The only certainty is bad grammar

a little of this. a little of that. / money, colds, site design.

Published: August 1, 2009 / Updated: August 1, 2009 Crystal humor, long, random thoughts

well, obviously, i made it through the week with just $5.47. YAY. im still alive. phew. (thanks in no small part to the mini-“loan” from this super awesome girl i know, and the “gifts” from my mom). (thanks guys).

i also got sick. which seems to be the new norm for me. and you all haters out there can’t even go about blaming the vegan thing because i’ve been regularly eating cheese and eggs for a few weeks a month two months now.

so ha.

ish.

anyway, it started with a sore throat and has since taken over my sense of smell as well as my ability to breathe. im guessing it’s because I got super tired after swimming around in a water park all day wednesday. that’s how easy it is this day for my immune system to just give up and say “eh. these germs are pretty tough. all right. fine, come on in guys. it’s cool. crystal didn’t really have any plans for her day off anyway.”

im telling you, this is why i could never run for president.

if it wasn’t for my sleep addiction, i’d totally be fixing health care and dealing with racial issues in america with beer right now guys. seriously.

but no, as soon as i miss one night of slumber, im downing dayquil and slabbing on the vicks.

speaking of nothing, i redesinged my little plot of cyberspace.*

typically, i like more white space, but i decided to go with something different this time. other than the fact that i like the colors and the flowers and the paper clip, i think the notebook paper emphasizes that this is a personal blog. (sometimes people saw the url and the raspberries and assumed this was a food blog).(im looking at you GoDaddy help center man).

i also like the paragraph spacing a lot more and that people’s avatar’s show up in the comment section now. (note: if you do not have a WordPress avatar, a little monster will show up. fun times).

i did have to sacrifice my old twitter widget and go with a more mellow box, because i just couldn’t figure out how to squish the old one onto that side bar. Also, i still have to mess with the pictures at the very, very bottom on the site via Flicker, but other than that, im content.

and of course, as usual, if you hate it, please keep your comments to yourself for awhile. otherwise they will drive me nuts, keep me awake at night and make me rue the day i met you.

*yes im still using that word. and i bet if you read the only daily newspaper published in McHenry County early next week, you’ll see it in that professional publication at least once as well. just sayin.

see. this is why you shouldn’t have a stupid anonymous blog.

Published: July 28, 2009 / Updated: July 28, 2009 Crystal humor, medium, vegan

Dear SCVegan,

where the heck ARE you?

as my most loyal commenter it took me all of two posts to notice your absence. alas, i thought perhaps you had just decided i was no longer funny.

but now, it’s been a few weeks, and not only have you stopped responding to my musings, but you also haven’t blogged or tweeted yourself since June 29.

and im not going to lie. im worried about you.

seriously. im freaking out over here.

i even sent you a concerned e-mail in which i asked if you were perhaps trapped under a large bookshelf, but you have yet to reply.

the worst part of this whole mess is that i cannot even find you if i wanted to.

all i know is that you are vegan; you most likely live in santa clarita, california; one of your names is nolan; and you work for a t-shirt design company.

yes, i HAVE typed all those things into Google, but even the master of search cannot help me with this.

i recently resorted to asking quarrygirl about you on twitter. sadly though, she doesn’t know where you are either.

my roommate insists that you are probably just on vacation, but i explained to her that people surly can at least tweet while out of town.

this whole travesty could have been avoided if you had just posted your full name on your site or sent me your phone number or SOMETHING!

instead, im left to sit here on my couch, worried that the worst has happened, while hoping that maybe someone just stole your laptop and you haven’t had time to go the library to use the interweb.

in conclusion, i really hope someone stole your lap top.

sincerely, love,

crystal

i wish i had one of those money tree things.

Published: July 26, 2009 / Updated: July 28, 2009 Crystal humor, medium, sh*tty things that happen to me

if my optimistic calculations are correct, i have exactly $5. 47 to get me to Friday.

I had $6.47, but I felt I should give at least a dollar to the church offering. so ya.

im not trying to sound depressing, or suggesting i need donations. really. im not.

im just hoping that one day i can look back on this post and be all ‘ya me, im a millionaire now. i was so broke in my 20s. but luckily i got super rich since then.’

plans for becoming rich include (but are not limited to): getting my blog mentioned on oprah, marrying “rich” (aka, someone who makes more than $38,000 annually), and, umm. ya. that’s all i’ve got.

don’t worry though, i’ve got like food and stuff. i mean, i spent parts of my pay check at the grocery story like a responsible person and whatnot. and i’ve got half a tank of gas, so as long as i don’t have to drive anywhere besides work, i’ll be good.

you might be like, ‘crystal, why are you so broke? i thought you had a master’s degree and a grown-up job?’

well, i do. i do. but unfortunately, this whole journalism thing doesn’t pay as well as i’d hoped.

also, i decided to spend $125 to get my hair dyed on this pay check.

im told that in normal-people land, $125 is chunk change. but for me it was ALL of my change.

alas, my hair DOES look splendid, but im pretty sure it would have been smarter to just let the roots show. i mean, they weren’t THAT bad. right?

well, anyway, hindsight, 20/20, you know.

and don’t worry, im trying harder to budget and stuff. it’s just hard because i don’t really have money to budget.

so ya.

now excuse me while i fantasize about the day i’ll have enough money to go to taco bell again.