humor – Page 55 – The only certainty is bad grammar

kind of like a sea shell but not at all.

Published: June 16, 2009 / Updated: June 17, 2009 Crystal humor, medium

UPDATE: All can breathe a sigh of relief. i have a doctor’s appointment Friday morning. I’ll be sure to report back. you know, assuming the “tumor” hasn’t killed me or anything by then 🙂

so remember when i was all “i think my ear is infected or something because it’s really bothering me?”

well, it’s not like infected, infected. it’s like, something else. and i googled it.

and now i kind of think im dying.

the thing is, ever since my gallbladder surgery, it’s been making this swishing sound.

like swish. sw-ish. sw-ish. sw-ish. sw-ish. sw-ish. sw-ish.

and it’s in time with my heart beat.

and sometimes it’s REALLY LOUD. so it’s more like SW-ISH. SW-ISH. SW-ISH. SW-ISH. SW-ISH. SW-ISH.

it’s kind of driving me FREAKING NUTS! and it’s gotten so bad that it’s keeping me up at night.

and instead of getting it looked at like i normal person, i’ve just been taking nyquil to fall asleep.

also, i decided to self-diagnosis. as in, i checked crazy web sites online. my understanding of the situation is it could be either allergies, or a tumor.

the one thing that every web site i checked did have in common was they all told me to GO TO THE DOCTOR.

but i hate doctors. and their stupid “fees.” so instead i have decided to buy a fan, which i figure will drown out the swishing sound. and then i’ll be able to some freaking sleep.

i’ll let you know how that goes.

i love my sister like peanut butter loves strawberry jelly.

Published: June 9, 2009 / Updated: June 10, 2009 Crystal humor, im cool, medium

holy crap. where the frick did the last 10 years go?

i remember wondering what her voice would sound like. and crouching on the floor while she laid on a single couch cushion the week she was born waiting for her to blink because HOLY COW I FINALLY HAD A SISTER!!

and now she’s TEN! I swear to candles that it’s been like a minute since that girl was born.

per tradition in my family, we hosted a sleep over to honor of her big day. and she got to invite a crap load of people, nine of whom showed up.

Yes, that’s 10 girls, in one night.

my theory on hosting that many hot-tempered ten-year-olds can be summed up in two simple words: ORGANIZED ACTIVITY.

we did the tennis-ball-under-the-chin relay, egg toss, sardines (the game, not the food), a taco bar (the food, not the game), gray wolf, cake, presents, glow-in-the-dark hot potato, pass the story and then ended it all with with sleeping bags pointed toward a showing of “Adventures in babysitting.” (the movie).

i’d like to think the point where one of the guests turned to my sister and said “I’M HAVING A REALLY FUN TIME” solidified the fact that i rock at hosting little-girl tween parties.

i only hope her 20th birthday is half as fun, and her next 10 years are half as awesome.

i love you sis. for real.

some man candy. oh. wait. is that sexist? / Burn Notice rocks.

Published: June 7, 2009 / Updated: June 7, 2009 Crystal humor, short

my friend krista is always posting Twilight pictures on her blog, no. seriously. like all. the time. (see here, here, here, and here).

so i figured i’d rip off her idea this once. (hope she doesn’t mind!). except i have never even read the back cover of a Twilight novel, so instead we have this awesome man.

It’s Jeffrey Donovan as Michael Westen (courtesy of the USA Network publicity photos).

i love him. lots. and if you’re not watching the show Burn Notice on USA (which he happens to be the star of) you need to start watching it like, yesterday. and it’ll be super easy because USA runs the show like every other hour in between episodes of Law and Order Criminal Intent, the only other successful show on the network.

Donovan plays a spy. a super cute spy. and he’s always charming, and smart, and perfect. and he saves the day by doing things like swimming five miles in a pant suit or impersonating a newspaper reporter.

and the show isn’t half bad either.

i’ve twittered this before, but it seriously makes me want to move to Miami (where it takes place) and become a spy. my understanding of the situation is that they get to blow stuff up pretty carelessly, make lots of money and swim in the ocean all day.

think of the material i’d have for blog.

seriously.