i miss south dakota. and the boy. im not going to pretend i just forgot about him because im 12 hours away. i didn’t. i miss him.
and i gained 4 pounds in the last two weeks. FOUR FREAKING POUNDS! wtf? all day, every day i think about how i want to lose 10 14 pounds. is that too much to ask? no. no it is not. except for the fact that my body HATES ME!
also, i wish i made more money so i could pay all my bills all the time. im not asking for a Ferrari, or even a new set of tires for my escort, just enough money to pay off my student loans in a reasonable manner.
oh, and i suck at being vegan. i want to be vegan so bad. but i suck at it.
also, i need to buy contacts, but im too cheap to get them, so instead i have to wear my stupid glasses everyday. even when i went to see a 3D movie, which i means i literally had two pairs of glasses on for 2 hours.
that’s right, i saw UP. and it wasn’t even good. all of you people out there saying it was good? you’re wrong. it was predictable, and the 3D stuff wasn’t cool because hardly anything jumped out at you, and the only cute part was the nice talking dog.
also, i’ve had a cold for like the last three months straight and sudfed doesn’t even work and my right ear probably has an infection or something because it’s REALLY bothering me, but im too lame to do anything about it.
and well, really, im just sad because i’m going to a wake tomorrow. and that’s never good.
holy engine, does the freaking seat belt in my freaking car annoy the freaking crap out of me.
apparently, the car makers of america think im short right along with the kitchen cabinet makers of america. so, aside from the fact that i cannot reach anything ever, the stupid seat belt in my darn car is basically slicing through my neck every time i drive anywhere.
im too short for it to sit at the right angle, so instead it just slides right from my chest to below my ear. and then i push it back. and then it slides again.
repeat.
732 times. ish.
look. right there. under my chin. see it? that’s the beginning stages of a bruise. im telling you. it is. well, that, or newspaper ink.
and sometimes, i give in and place the belt behind my seat. but then i worry that 1. a cop will pull me over and cite me for some sort of technicality in the Illinois’ seat belt law prohibiting me from doing that, resulting in a $562 fine
or 2. i will get in a tragic accident involving a deer, a semi and a motorcycle and then my body will be sliced in half along my lower abdomen because im only wearing half a seat belt and somehow that half of the seat belt is laying in such a way that it can cut through my skin and bones and organs.
so i put it back over my chest.
and then it rides up under my neck.
and then i cry.
while we’re on the topic of cars, let’s also talk about how the headlights on every SUV in america sit so that they hit my driver-side mirror and blind me every night, a problem i fear will one day hinder my ability to see important things.
like stop signs, bicyclists or oncoming traffic.
adjusting the mirror does not help. i’ve tried.
basically, what im telling you is, i drive around every night squinting my eyes while a seat belt slices into my neck. and maybe if you want to stay off the roads around 11, 11:30 p.m. that’d be cool.
like pull out my camera from my purse, which is sitting on the passenger seat, while driving home, because the sunset is THAT amazing and i NEED to shoot a picture right this second like a crazy person on one of those “what not to do” auto insurance commercials. (note to geico: ya. that’s, umm. not true. i’ve NEVER done that. ever).
and i should confess, this is not the first time i’ve acted like an insane person out of my love for the perfect shot of the perfect sunset.
just last week i was driving along with my little sister monica to get groceries and a movie from Family Video, when I noted that the beams of light coming from the sun were just a little too awesome and the way the colors had lit of the sky were just a little too fantastic and vision of oranges and reds were just a little spectacular to pass up.
So i drove the poor girl like five miles out of town to a corn field, trying to find a good spot to capture the sight without buildings in the way. And then i pulled over and walked down half a block so i could get an angle that included a little weed because i wanted to frame the sun with plant life.
i left the poor girl in the car while i did this. and let’s just say she was in there for about 7 solid minutes before embarrassment ensued and she decided to successfully lure me back to the car by shouting that i had a text message.
i was super excited to show her my prize-worthy pictures, figuring i could use the opportunity to explain to her that it’s important to take time out and enjoy natural beauty like sunsets. i gasped as i flipped through them and beamed as i started my car toward town.
but im sure i did not capture the sunset’s beauty with my camera that night. because despite my armature plant-framing techniques, it is just REALLY hard get awesomeness like that in a photograph.
something about it just doesn’t capture.
that’s how i feel when i try to explain to people how much i really love my sister.
when i try to tell them that she’s amazing, and perfect and kind of like the 9-year-old self i wish i had been.
how when she and i talk, i feel like we share a brain. and how i can look over to her with a thought in my eyes and she can understand it. thoughts like “let’s change the channel” or “life is not ok. let’s fix it.”
how i had prayed for a sister since i was a wee one, and the 15-year wait it took for me to get her was totally worth it.
how i think she’s going to grow up to be a rock star, or a doctor, or president, because she can so totally be whatever she decides. and im not exaggerating one bit.
how she’s finally getting to the point where i can talk to her like an equal. and how actually, i’ve always talked to her like an equal because i knew she’d grab hold of my conversations and remember every, single, thing i said.
how i’d literally untie my shoes, take them off, and then remove my socks, so i could plant my bare feet on hot coals and proceed to walk across them for miles if she needed me to. and how when i pray for her every night i beg Jesus with my heart to watch out for her, and protect her, and to let her be as happy as possible as often as possible.
how i didn’t really know there was a love like this until i met her. such pure, complete love.
i often wonder how — be it in writing, or in conversations or in photographs — i could possibly ever explain that love to people. how i could possibly ever capture its essence.
but i’ve come to realize that it’s like a sunset. it just has to be experienced.