The only certainty is bad grammar – Page 106 – Too personal for the internet.

don’t worry. SCVegan is fine :)

Published: August 1, 2009 / Updated: August 1, 2009 Crystal medium

ok guys, im not like super crazy or anything. i mean, well, ya i did send a message to SCVegan‘s brother’s band on myspace.

but i was seriously worried that he had been killed by a bomb, or a bus, or an unstable bridge, or maybe a broken electrical wire. worst case scenarios were running rampant over here.

my next step was to start calling t-shirt design companies in santa clarita. (i have these reporter skills for a reason people).

luckily, things didn’t go that far. someone from the band wrote back letting me know Nolan was fine.

and the next day i got one better, an e-mail from SCVegan himself. always the cool guy that he is, he wrote:

“One way to look at it, is that if something did actually happen to me, such as being trapped under a large bookcase, you contacting my family and friends may have actually saved my life. So, thanks for that Crystal, as I almost owe you my life. hahaha.”

i really am glad you’re all right buddy.

now i can go back to worrying about what i usually worry about, like money and what to write on my next Twitter update.

see. this is why you shouldn’t have a stupid anonymous blog.

Published: July 28, 2009 / Updated: July 28, 2009 Crystal humor, medium, vegan

Dear SCVegan,

where the heck ARE you?

as my most loyal commenter it took me all of two posts to notice your absence. alas, i thought perhaps you had just decided i was no longer funny.

but now, it’s been a few weeks, and not only have you stopped responding to my musings, but you also haven’t blogged or tweeted yourself since June 29.

and im not going to lie. im worried about you.

seriously. im freaking out over here.

i even sent you a concerned e-mail in which i asked if you were perhaps trapped under a large bookshelf, but you have yet to reply.

the worst part of this whole mess is that i cannot even find you if i wanted to.

all i know is that you are vegan; you most likely live in santa clarita, california; one of your names is nolan; and you work for a t-shirt design company.

yes, i HAVE typed all those things into Google, but even the master of search cannot help me with this.

i recently resorted to asking quarrygirl about you on twitter. sadly though, she doesn’t know where you are either.

my roommate insists that you are probably just on vacation, but i explained to her that people surly can at least tweet while out of town.

this whole travesty could have been avoided if you had just posted your full name on your site or sent me your phone number or SOMETHING!

instead, im left to sit here on my couch, worried that the worst has happened, while hoping that maybe someone just stole your laptop and you haven’t had time to go the library to use the interweb.

in conclusion, i really hope someone stole your lap top.

sincerely, love,

crystal

i wish i had one of those money tree things.

Published: July 26, 2009 / Updated: July 28, 2009 Crystal humor, medium, sh*tty things that happen to me

if my optimistic calculations are correct, i have exactly $5. 47 to get me to Friday.

I had $6.47, but I felt I should give at least a dollar to the church offering. so ya.

im not trying to sound depressing, or suggesting i need donations. really. im not.

im just hoping that one day i can look back on this post and be all ‘ya me, im a millionaire now. i was so broke in my 20s. but luckily i got super rich since then.’

plans for becoming rich include (but are not limited to): getting my blog mentioned on oprah, marrying “rich” (aka, someone who makes more than $38,000 annually), and, umm. ya. that’s all i’ve got.

don’t worry though, i’ve got like food and stuff. i mean, i spent parts of my pay check at the grocery story like a responsible person and whatnot. and i’ve got half a tank of gas, so as long as i don’t have to drive anywhere besides work, i’ll be good.

you might be like, ‘crystal, why are you so broke? i thought you had a master’s degree and a grown-up job?’

well, i do. i do. but unfortunately, this whole journalism thing doesn’t pay as well as i’d hoped.

also, i decided to spend $125 to get my hair dyed on this pay check.

im told that in normal-people land, $125 is chunk change. but for me it was ALL of my change.

alas, my hair DOES look splendid, but im pretty sure it would have been smarter to just let the roots show. i mean, they weren’t THAT bad. right?

well, anyway, hindsight, 20/20, you know.

and don’t worry, im trying harder to budget and stuff. it’s just hard because i don’t really have money to budget.

so ya.

now excuse me while i fantasize about the day i’ll have enough money to go to taco bell again.