The only certainty is bad grammar – Page 27 – Too personal for the internet.

Election Eve: I’m so proud of my little sister

Published: November 5, 2012 / Updated: November 5, 2012 Crystal go (candidate x), humor, short

My little sister Monica is pretty much the most amazing thing in the entire Continental United States.

When she plays volleyball images of the Olympics flash through your brain, when she writes a paper, you wonder how she is yet to be published and when you see her beautiful pencil-tight curls in a photo, you start to think maybe she can live out her dream of being “a dancer, a model or a singer.”

She also loves God like a rock star, can help you plan a party or a youth group event like a professional and navigates better than Google Maps.

Plus, she laughs at pretty much all my jokes.

But I have to say, I have never been more proud of her than when I found out what happened at her school’s mock election.

Apparently, she was chatting with a friend, and the two of them were holding full ballots for the presidential race as well as the local races and her friend was all, “I don’t know hot to fill this out.”

And Monica was all, “It’s easy, just mark all the ones with a “D” next to their name.”

It makes me want to cry tears of joy. Someone done raised her well.

Why I love the show Nashville and you should too.

Published: October 26, 2012 / Updated: October 26, 2012 Crystal medium, TV shows

I love Nashville (the TV show, not the city) (Not that there’s anything wrong with the city).

I know, I know. It’s a one-hour drama. On a Network station. And the cheerleader from Heroes is in it, and last you heard she was staring in Bring it On 7 or something, so this show must suck.

But it doesn’t. It’s awesome.

I accidentally saw the premiere while I was visiting my friend in Pennsylvania, and I was hooked.

And I could tell that it’s about two rival country singers, one of whom is old (Rayna James) and one of whom is young (Juliette Barnes) and that they don’t really like each other, but they both love the same guy.

And I could tell you that the older one is kind of supposed to be like Faith Hill I think, and the younger one is kind of supposed to be like Taylor Swift. And how at first I was totally thinking the one who’s kind of like Taylor was a bi-otch, but then I realized she’s just young and dumb and insecure and she means well. And how the one who’s kind of like Faith lures you into rooting for her at the beginning, but then you realize that she’s just as guilty as anyone on the show. For goodness sake SHE’S MARRIED, WHY IS SHE EVEN CHASING THE GUY?!

But the plot is not the reason I love this show.

I love this show because of the writing.

It’s real, and it’s striking, and you when you watch it, you don’t even notice it because it’s that good.

At one point, Juliette turns to the guy both she and Reyna are chasing and says, “I think something about you makes me want to grow up.”

And haven’t we all been lured into that? Imagining that if we were just a little bit older and had our lives a little bit more together, everything would be perfect. Thinking that someone older than us is so much better off.

But the it’s not even a show about one-liners, even though the previews would have you believe that. It’s so much deeper than that, and really I just want to tell that there’s a ton of original music and I love it all.

You need to hear the song, “No one will ever love you” right now. And then listen to it again. And then dream about lost-love and call your old boyfriend. The actress who plays Rayna sings it like it’s dripping slowly offer her lips the way ice cream drops linger. And the words taste sweet and breathless and desperate all at once.

“Can’t you see? I know why you’re lonely.
It’s time you knew it too.
No one will ever love you. No one will ever love you.”

http://youtu.be/g6e8plhaxAc

I never once think to myself, “Well this show has some corny moments, or it drags every now and then, or you have to get through the first episode to appreciate it, but I love it anyway.” No, I do not ever think any of those things. I just love it. Period.

And you should watch it so you can love it too. And also because I will cry if it gets cancelled.

So go watch it, right now, online at abc.com. Feel free to thank me later.

Newsweek’s decision to save the trees.

Published: October 19, 2012 / Updated: October 19, 2012 Crystal journalism, medium

I feel like I can’t really call myself a “journalist” if I don’t at least mention the whole crazy news about Newsweek on here. Well, really, some would say that the fact that I write about candy means I can’t really call myself a “journalist” but to those people I have just one thing to say: You’re just jealous.

Anyway, so ya, Newsweek announced that they are going all digital. Part of me is really excited about this, because in theory, it should mean they will no longer be creating ridiculous covers like this:

And this:

Really Newsweek? You had to sell your list of places to eat with a phallic image? Of asparagus? That you got on a stock image website? And you wonder why people aren’t buying your magazine?

** Sigh **

As a very loyal Time reader, I have to say, I’m not too upset about this on a personal level. But as a writer for a magazine (even if it is just a “candy magazine”), I’m not ignoring it either.

Because I know you’re all worried that this is just one more nail in the coffin of my chosen profession, I will tell you that my professional opinion is that there will always be a need to pay people to write good content. I really do believe this. And I’m cool with someone paying me to write for a website instead of a printed page, or for that matter, to write for the magical yet-to-be mass marketed machine that will allow us to read via contact lenses instead of a printed page.

If that prediction proves wrong though, don’t worry, I have a back-up plan. I’m going to marry rich. Either that, or I’ll just sleep in the church, where I currently work part-time as a youth leader. Mice, schmice. If a barn is good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for me. (Note: For those who don’t know, my church is really young. And we’re working on getting a building, but in the meantime, we have a creative collection of facilities. Among them is the barn, which the youth group meets in. Don’t worry, it’s heated).

My other thought is that Newsweek drove itself into the ground trying to be sensational. And in the process turned off the very people who would pick up a news magazine printed on old-fashioned paper by choice and then take it home and read it.

I also will point out that as far as I can tell, Time seems to be all right. No, they aren’t hiring in droves or giving away issues for free or anything, but they still print a paper edition every single week, while also updating their website with extremely good hourly content.

If they found a way, why couldn’t Newsweek? I’m guessing it’s the same reason Newsweek felt that the only way to sell magazines was to put Barack Obama on the cover and call him gay. And the same reason the Newsweek website doesn’t even try to offer breaking headlines at the top, or easy-to-find daily commentary, or constantly updated stories. They didn’t want to do the work that needs to happen to get readers long-term.

It’s like Newsweek thought the goal was a string of one-night stands. They worked so hard to get people to grab just one issue off the shelf by the register. But the problem is, that’s not the goal. The goal is the wedding. The subscribers. And while it is entirely possible to get married to the guy who grabs you at the register, that only happens if you’re able to offer something more than a phallic stock image of asparagus. And Newsweek wasn’t. At least not to me.

I wish I could say for certain that I believe paper magazines will exist in 40 years, but I can’t even honestly say for certain if they will exist in 10 years. What I can say though, is that they haven’t quite died yet. And I think the fate of Newsweek is a more a result of the magazine producing horrible content than it is a reflection on an entire industry.