The only certainty is bad grammar – Page 92 – Too personal for the internet.

God broke the Internet

Published: October 24, 2009 / Updated: October 24, 2009 Crystal feminism?, god, humor, medium

I’m pretty sure God broke the Internet today at my job.

Don’t tell my co-worker because she’d totally be p*ssed if she knew that’s what happened. I mean it f*ed up our day craptastically.

But, see, well, I was going to go to lunch the stupidest of stupid guys. A guy so stupid he doesn’t even deserve for me to mention him on my super amazing blog.

But God broke the Internet at my regular office, so I had to go work somewhere else and couldn’t meet him for said lunch.

The Big Guy was looking out.

See, I was doing so good on my own.

Like, not-texting-him, not-calling-him, not-even-thinking-about-him-during-most-of-the-sad-songs-on-the-country-radio-stations good.

But then I had this dream that I was searching and searching for him, and all I could get was a glimpse and well.

Ya.

It’s the kind of dream where you fall asleep thinking maybe your thoughts have finally found a peaceful place, and a couple hours later you wake up with a broken soul aching to see him.

I tried to fight it. I walked four miles. I thought happy thoughts. I even switched the radio every time a sad song came on.

But that kind of soul aching lingers. And it spreads. And before I knew it I couldn’t take it anymore and I sent him a text.

I knew he’d reply. He always replies. That’s why the only way this whole awful thing between us will ever die is if I do it myself.

But I can’t do it myself. I need help.

Tons.

So God went ahead and broke the Internet to lend a hand.

I guess he knew it’d be just what I needed to make it to the other side of today with a glimmer of hope that I can move past this.

Ohmyfreakingfrick! PLEASE STOP RAINING!

October 22, 2009 Crystal humor, medium

Ok. I know. We had that wonderful lovely day of gorgeous sunshine and smiles and butterflies yesterday.

And I appreciated it. I walked four miles. I took multiple breathes of fresh air. I lolly-gagged in the happiness of it all.

But it’s already raining again!

For real.

It makes me sad.

and sad.

I want to cry because it is so dreary outside that even happy puppies are brought to tears. I think stupid things like “life does suck. I mean, how could I ever be happy when it’s so GRAY outside? HOW???!!!!” And I don’t know how anyone, anywhere manages to keep the bottoms of their pants dry with all this freaking water.

Also, it makes me paranoid that I will catch swine flu.

That’s how you catch swine flu right? Walking in puddles? Well, anyway, that’s my understanding of the situation.

In conclusion, I’m officially submitting my vote for sunny skies tomorrow. And since I live in Chicagoland, I’d like to vote early and often.

Also, does anyone know a weatherperson I can bribe. Because I have $100 $10 $1 with Tom Skilling’s name on it.

Penn and God(er)

Published: October 21, 2009 / Updated: October 21, 2009 Crystal god, medium

I saw that video of Penn from Penn and Teller today, and now it’s rooted itself deep inside my brain. It’s playing again and again and I need to talk about it.

I need to talk to you about God.

I’m usually type to live my faith and hope it catches on – a habit I developed after being rejected by about 47 of my closest friends when I tried to tell them about Jesus back in my high school days.

But that’s crap.

The part that’s most striking in this video is when Penn says “I still think religion does a lot of bad stuff, but man, that was a good man who gave me that book.”

I never grasped before the anti-God I’ve gotten from people, but it’s suddenly so clear to me.

It’s not anti-God. It’s anti-religion. And we all know religion is a human thing – flawed and many times mistaken.

But I’m here to tell you that God is not a human thing.

First, you need to hear about his grace. It’s the most comforting thing you’ll ever know once you accept it.

When the world wears us down – grace lifts our tired souls off the ground and says “I still love you.”

I should also tell you I DO feel weak when I think of Him. Non-Christians are always telling me how weak religion makes me. How I must need a crutch to get through life.

Uh. Heck ya I need a crutch. And so do you.

Some try alcohol. Some try sex. Some try money.

None of it will ever work.

With God though, it’s all right to be weak because he’s not.

I also should share how incredibly amazing my work as a youth leader is. How it teaches me things I didn’t even know I needed to learn – like how to spread faith, and what it feels like to inspire a student. And how I prayed for a chance to work with high school students and he gave it to me like a present on Christmas day. He handed it right to me and then dropped me in the deep end with a trust I didn’t even have in myself.

And I should explain how he makes me want to be a better person. How I love more, and care more, and act more because of His Word. And I should tell you that you can have him too. That you NEED to have him too.

He’ll save you.

I should tell you right now and then ask you beg you to come to church with me Sunday.

So this is me. Begging you.

Sunday at 9 a.m. I’ll be at the First United Methodist Church in Woodstock. E-mail me if you need a ride: cs.lindell@gmail.com. Seriously.

“Then Jesus declared, ‘I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never go thirsty.'” – John 6:35