Daily ramblings. (Like twitter, but longer).

I should be asleep right now, seeing as how I have to wake up in 6.75 hours.

I used to be a 9-hours a night kinda girl. Alas, not so much now.

It’s the stress man.

Seriously.

And some other things.

Lucky for you though, I use this time to blog. So we’ve got that going for us.

Let’s see. Well first, thanks for all the wishes of support after my last post. It was much appreciated.

I do want to note that I know I write very honest things on here, and sometimes they come off as dark. I think most people freak out about life though. Actually, I KNOW they do. I’m great at making friends, and all my friends always tell me how freaked the F out they are.

I just write it down.

And then post it for everyone and their pumpkin to see.

I understand the consequences, and I’m cool with it. But like I said, thanks for the wishes of support.

Speaking of nothing, (as my dear blog-friend Krista would say) (speaking of Krista, that girl hasn’t posted in a hot minute) I’m pretty sure my roommate tricked me into a down comforter.

Being a vegetarian and all, I usually frown on such things. But when she offered me the best blanket eva in all the land (no doubt so we could keep heating costs down for a change) she assured me it was fake.

I’m here to tell you, I’ve had fake down – this is not that.

This is amazing.

This is envelop you with love wrapped in hugs and smiles while sprinkling fairy dust in your dreams good. In the interest of warmth though, my current plan is to continue pretending it’s fake.

(Don’t tell PETA).

Moving along, I had a fight with a guy last night.

Not really a fight. More a “this is never going to work is it.”

I know. I know. You’re thinking “Crystal? You were dating someone?! What?”

I just like to keep those things on the down low. You understand. Maybe it’s because I knew this particular thing could never work.

Irregardless, I feel like someone went inside my chest and lopped off  a piece of my bleeding red heart.

Just took it. Just like that.

And now it’s gone, and my heart will be stronger because of it in the end.

But today sucked. Today I felt sad and lost and lopsided.

And of course it rained today. The kind of rain that lasts for hours and makes you cry when you get a second to yourself in the car.

Of course.

But it’s 12:09 now.

Which means it’s been Friday for nearly 10 minutes and it’s time to start a fantabulous weekend slated to include old friends, pizza and a corn maze.

It’s time to start healing my heart.

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Losing weight is overrated.

I kind of, usually spend all my time thinking about how freaking awesome life could be if I just lost weight.

But I lost weight.

I lost 30 pounds.

And I’m still insecure. I’m still stressed out. I’m still crappy at dating.

I still don’t feel pretty.

Journalism is still dying. I still can’t find clothes I like. My “check engine” light is still on. I still make mistakes at work and with friends and at church. I still have to spend a hour getting ready in the morning. My car insurance rate is still $180 a month. I still miss my grandma Lindell more than my soul can bear. Health insurance still isn’t fixed. It’s still going to snow soon. I still have weak ankles.

The only actual changes all suck – I’m always hungry, and I have to work out everyday.

The “congrats”  don’t make me feel nearly as good as I thought they would.

The “you look really good” doesn’t have nearly the ring to it I thought it would.

The icky come on’s from guys I never was interested in the first place don’t make me any happier – although I’m not sure I ever thought they would.

Maybe I’m being too honest right now. Maybe I should tell you that I do know I should be trusting God, and living for him and whatnot. I should tell you that I do know I never should have thought losing weight would solve all my problems.

Don’t worry. I knew all that.

But I still think these things. I still feel this way.

So now you know.

I’m semi-sure some people wonder how the heck a girl who seems as un-stupid as myself could have these thoughts.

I’d guess it has something to do with Barbie, Heidi Klum and the Weight Watchers commercials.

But I’m just guessing.

It also could be that the whole world and their dog conspires to make losing weight seem like the coolest thing since Twitter, because if they didn’t nobody would ever do it because losing weight is harder the hardest thing ever.

Again though, I’m just guessing here.

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maybe my singleness IS my fault

OK.  I’m on a dating site. (Again).

And I mostly just ignore 90 percent of the weird guys who try to contact me on said site.

But every once in a while a boy with decent grammar, witty comments and normal-looking pictures comes across my screen, and I give it a go.

I’ve been talking to this one guy for a few day now, and he seems to pass the “NOT CRAZY” test.

And today, he was all “let’s get a drink”

Except, I just realized, while sitting in front of my laptop at 11:45 p.m. after just getting home from work, that my schedule is as follows:

Wednesday: work during the day. youth group planning, work out and see a friend at night.

Thursday: youth group stuff and workout in the morning. work at night.

Friday: work during the day. go to the city at night to hang out with old grad school friends.

Saturday: come back from the city in the morning. take youth group to corn maze at night.

Sunday: church/youth group in the morning. workout in the afternoon, rest at night.

and then Monday, it’s back to work.

Doesn’t leave much time for hot dates does it?

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