humor – Page 22 – The only certainty is bad grammar

i love my sister like peanut butter loves strawberry jelly.

Published: June 9, 2009 / Updated: June 10, 2009 Crystal humor, im cool, medium

holy crap. where the frick did the last 10 years go?

i remember wondering what her voice would sound like. and crouching on the floor while she laid on a single couch cushion the week she was born waiting for her to blink because HOLY COW I FINALLY HAD A SISTER!!

and now she’s TEN! I swear to candles that it’s been like a minute since that girl was born.

per tradition in my family, we hosted a sleep over to honor of her big day. and she got to invite a crap load of people, nine of whom showed up.

Yes, that’s 10 girls, in one night.

my theory on hosting that many hot-tempered ten-year-olds can be summed up in two simple words: ORGANIZED ACTIVITY.

we did the tennis-ball-under-the-chin relay, egg toss, sardines (the game, not the food), a taco bar (the food, not the game), gray wolf, cake, presents, glow-in-the-dark hot potato, pass the story and then ended it all with with sleeping bags pointed toward a showing of “Adventures in babysitting.” (the movie).

i’d like to think the point where one of the guests turned to my sister and said “I’M HAVING A REALLY FUN TIME” solidified the fact that i rock at hosting little-girl tween parties.

i only hope her 20th birthday is half as fun, and her next 10 years are half as awesome.

i love you sis. for real.

some man candy. oh. wait. is that sexist? / Burn Notice rocks.

Published: June 7, 2009 / Updated: June 7, 2009 Crystal humor, short

my friend krista is always posting Twilight pictures on her blog, no. seriously. like all. the time. (see here, here, here, and here).

so i figured i’d rip off her idea this once. (hope she doesn’t mind!). except i have never even read the back cover of a Twilight novel, so instead we have this awesome man.

It’s Jeffrey Donovan as Michael Westen (courtesy of the USA Network publicity photos).

i love him. lots. and if you’re not watching the show Burn Notice on USA (which he happens to be the star of) you need to start watching it like, yesterday. and it’ll be super easy because USA runs the show like every other hour in between episodes of Law and Order Criminal Intent, the only other successful show on the network.

Donovan plays a spy. a super cute spy. and he’s always charming, and smart, and perfect. and he saves the day by doing things like swimming five miles in a pant suit or impersonating a newspaper reporter.

and the show isn’t half bad either.

i’ve twittered this before, but it seriously makes me want to move to Miami (where it takes place) and become a spy. my understanding of the situation is that they get to blow stuff up pretty carelessly, make lots of money and swim in the ocean all day.

think of the material i’d have for blog.

seriously.

some saturday morning ramblings.

Published: June 6, 2009 / Updated: June 6, 2009 Crystal anti-meat, humor, im cool

first things first, im told bushes apparently CAN catch on fire for no apparent reason. per my friend pete on gchat:

[mulch] ferments, it doesn’t decompose.
well, it decomposes. but it doesn’t dry out per se, it holds moisture very well, and if you were to use a pitch fork to overturn a large pile of mulch, it is not uncommon for steam to arise from it.
if you ever venture into a landscape supply yard and see a front end loader scooping mulch out, there will be a lot, a lot, of heat underneath.
enough to produce a fire, i don’t know. not likely, in my humble opinion. but that’s just me.
in the summer i would say it could happen.
it’s actually why landscape yards or tree service operations have to turn their mulch on a fairly regular basis.

it still sounds like a made-up thing. however, IF this true, i want to take this moment to make a public service announcement: WATCH YOUR MULCH AND BUSHES! THEY MIGHT RANDOMLY START ON FIRE.

there.

in other news, im all achy and feverish and im pretty sure its because i slept like 4 hours the entire time i was in south dakota and my immune system is shot to crap.

also, i ate cheese while i was there.

what?

huh?

ya.

i did.

It’s SOUTH DAKOTA people! have you ever BEEN there? they serve cheese with their gas.

plus i really wanted zesto’s ice cream, which is hands down the best ice cream in the whole freaking world. actually universe. actually in existence.

i want to be clear, i do not in any way think eating the cheese is what shot my immune system to crap.

also, i came back to the land of lincoln and was solid vegan on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.

but then Friday came.

and i had some more cheese.

it’s saturday morning now. and im so-far vegan today, one meal in.

i wasn’t even going to write about this here, because im pretty sure vegans around the world will be all “CRYSTAL SUCKS AT LIFE!” but i figure there HAS to be other people out there who struggle at least ONCE in awhile with veganism. i mean they can’t ALL live near whole foods and humas-selling sandwich shops right?

anyway, i still want to be vegan, and im going to try again. i just wish i had even ONE vegan friend who i could go to for support.

oh! and also my friend lyndon, who i actually haven’t seen in person since my undergrad days at WIU, is in mexico doing some sort of research stuff i think. i’d rather he was here, in illinois, hanging out with me. but lucky for us the next best thing is available. he started a blog. and you can read it here. go on. go read it now.

good day. i said GOOD DAY.