humor – Page 61 – The only certainty is bad grammar

wait. do you think i need rogaine?

July 28, 2008 Crystal humor, im cool, medium

ok. so seriously, my hair feels thin.

do you think it’s because I’m vegan? (I don’t eat jell-o.) or because im getting old. (im almost 25 you know.)

it could just be because im neurotic.

im trying to blow-dry less.

but, the problem with that technique is that i feel like blow-drying makes my hair look fuller (thicker) so really, im not sure what to do there.

also, i’ve decided to switch from elastic pony tail holders to clips (which my best friend assures me do less damage to my hair.)

this is kind of a big deal.

not like new-job big deal or even becoming-vegan big deal. but none-the-less, it’s life changing.

you see, i kinda wear my hair up every.single.day. (I HATE how it looks down.) but clips are SO DIFFERENT.

for example, i can’t even lean my head back in the car (during my gawd awful commute) while wearing a clip without the clonky thing hitting the head rest.

YES, i could just take it out while driving, but what if i get in a car accident and my hair looks bad because it’s down and then my soul mate comes, but i don’t have enough time to put it back up or i lose the clip, so he doesn’t give me his number because im not wearing my hair up?

just sayin.

also, the strands around my face fall different because the clip can’t hold the shorter layers. i almost think it gives my face a softer look, but the jury is still out on this one because the shorter layers also could just be adding 10 pounds to my face.

who knows.

anyway, does anyone got any hair thickening tips for me? (and NO, washing your hair in mayonnaise and beer doesn’t make your hair thicker. i just makes you smell like a single man’s fridge for about three days. thanks for nothing cosmo.)

if only i was an anonymous blogger

July 26, 2008 Crystal humor, im cool, medium

so im living with best friend and she’s d*mn neurotic.

i’ve totally got mother nature’s monthly “gift” today and i have super bad cramps AND im going to a water park tomorrow.

i wish i was a size two. like all the time. i blame soda for my inability to achieve this. for BANANA’S SAKE PEOPLE! i ALREADY gave up every. other. good. food. on the planet.

i still have a crush on my ex.

in about 12 minutes im going to watch Hannah Montana’s 3d concert and im pretty excited about it.

i owe $40,000 to my student loan company and have no ability to pay it off. i also owe $247 to target, and have no ability to pay that off either.

sometimes i wear my bras two days in a row because i HATE doing laundry.

****

living with my best friend is so fun. it’s seriously like a slumber party every freaking night.

im going to a water park tomorrow!!!

i’ve lost some weight since becoming a vegan. so that’s cool.

im totally ok with being single.

i have to watch this LAME Hannah Montana concert with my sister soon, but i’ll just have to suck it up.

im so glad i got my master’s degree. the student loans seriously don’t bother me.

i need to go shopping for some more clothes.

miracle on route 59

July 22, 2008 Crystal im cool, medium

so, you might be all ‘there’s NO SUCH THING as miracles.’

but you’d be wrong.

you see, my best friends mom’s sister once told me about this woman who cured people. (im pretty sure that’s in the category of “MAJOR” miracles.) and another time, i got a job in the chicago suburbs (that’d be a “MIDDLE” miracle). and yesterday i had what some would call a “MINOR” miracle. As in, only two people were ‘miraculously affected.’

but since one of those two people was me, I’m going to go ahead and share:

editor’s note: the following story is totally true. for real. it is.

ok. so yesterday my neurotic best friend (who HAS to have everything in the exact right place all the freaking time — including her shower supplies. that nobody can even see because there’s a shower curtian. seriously.) somehow managed to lose her car key.

hot d*mn if she didn’t spend for.eva looking for that stupid little black key (which isn’t a key so much as a really expensive computer chip that sucks to replace).

she started looking for it while i was still at work and one hellish commute later, she was still tearing the apartment apart.

sigh.

that’s when I had to sign up for the stupid key-search-party.

i was all ‘maybe you left it by the mail boxes’

and then she’d be all ‘im pretty sure a ghost took it’

and then id be all ‘no, im pretty sure a ghost didn’t take it. maybe it’s in my purse for some random reason.’

then she’d be all ‘no. ghosts are real, and it’s the only logical explanation at this point.’

after about 97 minutes (ish) of that, we decided that another logical explanation may be that it fell into my (amazing) couch (which unfortunately has cushions that don’t come off, making it impossible to search).

and THEN.

we heard the key.

yep. it was INSIDE my couch.

i started picturing horror-movie-like scenes of us having to tear off the fabric to get at the stupid key.

we flipped it to the side.

and upside down.

and to the other side.

and then upright.

and then back upside down.

and then — she went to stick her hand in the secret hole under the far left cushion (where we could only assume the key must have fallen) and she took a breath.

and (because i was a bit cranky at this point) and i was all ‘REACH FOR THE STUPID KEY! DORK.’

and she was all ‘shh. im praying that God will move the key into my hand.’

and was i all ‘GOD CAN’T MOVE KEYS! UGH’

and before she could say ‘God can do anything,’ he seriously moved the key into her hand.

true story.

the key moved.

into her hand.

and she pulled it out of the couch.

im pretty sure this proves the exsistence of god.

or ghosts.

either way, it was a d*mn miracle.