Things I’ve learned from stupid snow

Published: February 5, 2011 / Updated: February 5, 2011 Crystal humor

1. If the whole world tells you that a massive blizzard is coming and it’s going to kills us all, just leave work early and get home because you don’t want to be driving in that crap. Likewise, if the whole world tells you that whatever you’re doing is going to end with horrible consequences, stop.

2. Fill up your gas tank before you head out. Likewise, eat breakfast.

3. People will actually help you dig your car out when it’s buried under a six foot snow drift and they won’t even complain about it. Likewise, a lot of people are mostly good.

4. Working from home is awesome. Likewise, working from home is awesome.

5. Dust pans break when you try to use them as shovels. Likewise, all of us have our breaking points.

6. It’s easy to fall when it’s slippery outside, so I shouldn’t run into stores, movie theaters, restaurants or pretty much anywhere, ever. Also, I should be careful when I walk. Likewise, it’s important not to be too cocky.

7. Cabin fever is real. Likewise, shopping can solves all the world’s problems.

8.  Everything is pretty when it’s covered up by a coat of beautiful, white awesomeness. Likewise, where* wear clothes that don’t show your bum crack.

9. Cloth gloves may seem like they’re totally worthless, but if the alternative is no gloves then they are the best thing ever. Likewise, sometimes your second least favorite thing/person isn’t really that bad.

10. I still hate snow. Likewise, I still hate snow.

*Thanks Aunt Sandy 🙂

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im not from here vs. i don’t live here

March 21, 2008 Crystal long, snow sucks

umm. what the crap? more freaking snow? although the stupid weather people have been right all year, when they said “wisconsin could get 8-15 today (MARCH 21)” i kind of thought they were lying. or playing an early april fool’s joke on me.

they weren’t.

it freaking snowed. a lot. (side note: in pierre, south dakota it was like 70 degrees today. whatever). 

because i hate snow, i decided this was a sign from Jesus (it IS his weekend) that i should get out of wisconsin (where i live). i packed up all my stuff and headed to the land o’ lincoln (where I’m from (go bears!)).

except between oshkosh and naperville there was a blizzard. figures.

my bff (who i was on the way to visit) kept telling me that in Illinois they hadn’t really had snow — just rain. of course.

the problem was getting past all the “Real Wisconsin Cheese” signs that clutter the area just before the boarder and into illinois where they have roller coasters (better known as great america).

once i did though, i was super confused. yes, the snow turned to a more manageable sleet/ice mixture 3 min after i crossed the boarder, but the stupid 17-lane highways were kind of hard to navigate (even WITH the help of my vznavigator). they had all these ‘express’ lanes. and the ‘express’ lanes just screem ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’ so i did. but they lock you into your decision with a concrete barrier for like 175 miles (ish). and i had no freaking clue when my exits where. so the entire time i was in the stupid express lanes i was gripping my steering wheel praying while i scanned the sleet-covered exit signs 4 lanes over.

it was freaking confusing. and even when i was in said lanes i wasn’t ‘express’ (sorry guy behind me in the green suv.)   

im hoping the other drivers cut me some slack since i had license plates from south dakota (where i neither liver nor am from).

and because i was mad about the express lanes i went through an ipass lane even though i don’t have ipass. twice.

that’ll teach you to build express lanes illinois governor rod r. blagojevich.

after i got out of my long-term relationship with the express lanes, i got distracted by the 552 billboards along the Ronald Regan memorial highway.

uu. lasik! ooo. steve harvey! uu macy’s! ahhh. for sale by owner!

crap. ‘focus on the road!’ i told myself.

but look! an ad for a lexis! i want one. now.

i eventually turned my distraction inward to my radio and made it safely to naperville. but my 2-and-a-half hour drive took me four hours. i have no idea why.

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im not from here vs. i don’t live here

March 21, 2008 Crystal long, snow sucks

umm. what the crap? more freaking snow? although the stupid weather people have been right all year, when they said “wisconsin could get 8-15 today (MARCH 21)” i kind of thought they were lying. or playing an early april fool’s joke on me.

they weren’t.

it freaking snowed. a lot. (side note: in pierre, south dakota it was like 70 degrees today. whatever). 

because i hate snow, i decided this was a sign from Jesus (it IS his weekend) that i should get out of wisconsin (where i live). i packed up all my stuff and headed to the land o’ lincoln (where I’m from (go bears!)).

except between oshkosh and naperville there was a blizzard. figures.

my bff (who i was on the way to visit) kept telling me that in Illinois they hadn’t really had snow — just rain. of course.

the problem was getting past all the “Real Wisconsin Cheese” signs that clutter the area just before the boarder and into illinois where they have roller coasters (better known as great america).

once i did though, i was super confused. yes, the snow turned to a more manageable sleet/ice mixture 3 min after i crossed the boarder, but the stupid 17-lane highways were kind of hard to navigate (even WITH the help of my vznavigator). they had all these ‘express’ lanes. and the ‘express’ lanes just screem ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’ so i did. but they lock you into your decision with a concrete barrier for like 175 miles (ish). and i had no freaking clue when my exits where. so the entire time i was in the stupid express lanes i was gripping my steering wheel praying while i scanned the sleet-covered exit signs 4 lanes over.

it was freaking confusing. and even when i was in said lanes i wasn’t ‘express’ (sorry guy behind me in the green suv.)   

im hoping the other drivers cut me some slack since i had license plates from south dakota (where i neither liver nor am from).

and because i was mad about the express lanes i went through an ipass lane even though i don’t have ipass. twice.

that’ll teach you to build express lanes illinois governor rod r. blagojevich.

after i got out of my long-term relationship with the express lanes, i got distracted by the 552 billboards along the Ronald Regan memorial highway.

uu. lasik! ooo. steve harvey! uu macy’s! ahhh. for sale by owner!

crap. ‘focus on the road!’ i told myself.

but look! an ad for a lexis! i want one. now.

i eventually turned my distraction inward to my radio and made it safely to naperville. but my 2-and-a-half hour drive took me four hours. i have no idea why.

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