those with doctorates are fine, it’s doctors i hate

well the book i read about bein’ vegan SAID my stomach would hurt for like a month after i gave up everything-animal — i assumed it was related to some sort of cheese withdrawal — but it’s been like 2.5 months now, and my stomach still freaking hurts.

oh, and i’m STILL dizzy.

Now, a NORMAL person probably would go see a doctor if they were having stomach problems and getting dizzy.

but im a STUPID person, who likes to rationalize things away under the assumption that my health problems will fix themselves. (i do this with cars too). so in that spirit, here is a list of ten reasons why I really, really, really, don’t want to go see a doctor:

1. i freaking hate finding a doctor covered by my insurance.

2. oh ya, and actually, i just hate insurance companies. they’re so manipulative. they say things like ‘oh, you just have to pay $10 and we’ll cover the rest,’ but what they mean is ‘oh, we said TEN dollars? well, we’ll just bill you the other $3,500 for that test we don’t cover. no big deal right?’

3. i hate when doctors are judgemental. and this really makes me mad, because my junior high health teacher told me this wouldn’t be a problem. so not only do i feel judged, i feel lied to.

4. im worried the doctor will tell me i need to lose weight.

5. and then i will tell the doctor that i’m LOSING weight because im vegan.

6. and then the doctor will tell me that being a vegan is SUPER unhealthy. so I’ll feel guilty about my weight AND my diet. and I’ll go home and cry.

7. Also, I hate when doctors don’t believe you.

me: i have headaches.

doctor: oh. sure you do. here, take advil.


me: my stomach hurts

doctor: oh yes, im sure it does. here’s some pepto bismol.

8. worse than that though, is my fear that something really, really awful is wrong with me.

me: i have headaches

doctor: that’s because of your brain tumor.


me: my stomach hurts

doctor: that’s because you need a kidney transplant.

9. i hate making doctor’s appointments. umm, i have a REAL job. i can’t just take off for a couple hours during the day, because the stupid doctor only sees patients between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. monday through friday.

10. also, obviously, i hate getting blood work done.

so that’s why im not going to see a doctor.

if you were wondering.

im sure my body will fix itself though.





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  1. I love your blog. It’s freakin funny. Funny like I take the time to drive into to work just to read it on my day off funny.
    And I absolutely love the fact I can get advice from a person who uses the handle “Stinky Lou.”
    Not only is this post bringing back humor, but it is reintroducing all of us to really good nicknames.
    Stinky Lou, I agree you.
    Eat an apple. My mom always tells me about the importance of roughage. I don’t even know how to spell it, but you should eat more it.

  2. OK, so I wake up this morning and say to the fish swimming in my fishtank:
    “Good morning fishies, I’m going to go to McDonald’s, grab an egg mcmuffin, go to work and read the latest edition of ‘The Only Certainity is Bad Grammar.’
    And the fish looked skeptical, as if to say “Yeah right. You’re reading a Dennis Lehane novel right now. Or you’ll probably just go to wal-mart and pick up a silly movie.”
    “No, no, fishies,” I replied. “The writer – perhaps the funniest in the midwest, a 20-something female version, I don’t know, Albert Brooks, but way funnier – is posting another entry on her blog.”
    The fish just shook their heads and continued opening and closing their mouths in that rhythmic fish way.
    But guess what?
    Now I have to go home to the mouth-open, mouth-closed, mouth-open fish and ask them if they’ve seen that Dennis Lehane book I was reading or if they want to watch the movie I bought at wal-mart.
    At least the egg mcmuffin was delicious.

  3. i was sick to my stomache and didn’t go to the doctor. Eventually I had to. I had 9 lower cat scans at $5,000 a pop and a $71,000 surgery to fix things up. Don’t make the same mistake that i did. Get into an MD and find out what is wrong. you’ve got insurance, use it!

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