October 2009 – Page 4 – The only certainty is bad grammar

Be here now.

Published: October 11, 2009 / Updated: October 11, 2009 Crystal im cool, medium

When I’m sinking in an article – the world seems right.

As I’m constructing the story, and absorbing the interview notes, and carefully placing each word in each sentence, my surroundings fade away. I’m not worried about money, or car repairs, or bad dates.

When I’m leading the youth group – the world seems content.

As I’m handing out hot dog buns, and leading prayer, and connecting with a kid I never imagined I’d connect with, the stress blurs. I’m not strategizing office politics, or wondering if I’ll ever have kids, or concerning myself with the fate of health care.

When I’m eating pancakes with old friends – the world seems good.

As I’m discussing the fate of journalism, and looking through last night’s photos, and fantasizing about life in the city, the self-judgment takes a break. I’m not tallying omelet and syrup calories in my head, I’m not comparing my financial success to anyone’s expectations and I’m not wondering how my eyebrows look.

A friend told me she once had a professor who used to say: Be here now.

It’s hard though. People always say technology makes it harder, but it’s always been hard.

You have make an effort most of the time.

But in life there are rare moments when it just happens. Times where you’re living your passion, or finding a new one, or connecting with friends.

Thank God for those moments.

Thank God.

Daily ramblings. (Like twitter, but longer).

Published: October 9, 2009 / Updated: October 9, 2009 Crystal anti-meat, feminism?, humor, im cool

I should be asleep right now, seeing as how I have to wake up in 6.75 hours.

I used to be a 9-hours a night kinda girl. Alas, not so much now.

It’s the stress man.

Seriously.

And some other things.

Lucky for you though, I use this time to blog. So we’ve got that going for us.

Let’s see. Well first, thanks for all the wishes of support after my last post. It was much appreciated.

I do want to note that I know I write very honest things on here, and sometimes they come off as dark. I think most people freak out about life though. Actually, I KNOW they do. I’m great at making friends, and all my friends always tell me how freaked the F out they are.

I just write it down.

And then post it for everyone and their pumpkin to see.

I understand the consequences, and I’m cool with it. But like I said, thanks for the wishes of support.

Speaking of nothing, (as my dear blog-friend Krista would say) (speaking of Krista, that girl hasn’t posted in a hot minute) I’m pretty sure my roommate tricked me into a down comforter.

Being a vegetarian and all, I usually frown on such things. But when she offered me the best blanket eva in all the land (no doubt so we could keep heating costs down for a change) she assured me it was fake.

I’m here to tell you, I’ve had fake down – this is not that.

This is amazing.

This is envelop you with love wrapped in hugs and smiles while sprinkling fairy dust in your dreams good. In the interest of warmth though, my current plan is to continue pretending it’s fake.

(Don’t tell PETA).

Moving along, I had a fight with a guy last night.

Not really a fight. More a “this is never going to work is it.”

I know. I know. You’re thinking “Crystal? You were dating someone?! What?”

I just like to keep those things on the down low. You understand. Maybe it’s because I knew this particular thing could never work.

Irregardless, I feel like someone went inside my chest and lopped off a piece of my bleeding red heart.

Just took it. Just like that.

And now it’s gone, and my heart will be stronger because of it in the end.

But today sucked. Today I felt sad and lost and lopsided.

And of course it rained today. The kind of rain that lasts for hours and makes you cry when you get a second to yourself in the car.

Of course.

But it’s 12:09 now.

Which means it’s been Friday for nearly 10 minutes and it’s time to start a fantabulous weekend slated to include old friends, pizza and a corn maze.

It’s time to start healing my heart.

Losing weight is overrated.

Published: October 7, 2009 / Updated: October 8, 2009 Crystal exercise, medium

I kind of, usually spend all my time thinking about how freaking awesome life could be if I just lost weight.

But I lost weight.

I lost 30 pounds.

And I’m still insecure. I’m still stressed out. I’m still crappy at dating.

I still don’t feel pretty.

Journalism is still dying. I still can’t find clothes I like. My “check engine” light is still on. I still make mistakes at work and with friends and at church. I still have to spend a hour getting ready in the morning. My car insurance rate is still $180 a month. I still miss my grandma Lindell more than my soul can bear. Health insurance still isn’t fixed. It’s still going to snow soon. I still have weak ankles.

The only actual changes all suck – I’m always hungry, and I have to work out everyday.

The “congrats” don’t make me feel nearly as good as I thought they would.

The “you look really good” doesn’t have nearly the ring to it I thought it would.

The icky come on’s from guys I never was interested in the first place don’t make me any happier – although I’m not sure I ever thought they would.

Maybe I’m being too honest right now. Maybe I should tell you that I do know I should be trusting God, and living for him and whatnot. I should tell you that I do know I never should have thought losing weight would solve all my problems.

Don’t worry. I knew all that.

But I still think these things. I still feel this way.

So now you know.

I’m semi-sure some people wonder how the heck a girl who seems as un-stupid as myself could have these thoughts.

I’d guess it has something to do with Barbie, Heidi Klum and the Weight Watchers commercials.

But I’m just guessing.

It also could be that the whole world and their dog conspires to make losing weight seem like the coolest thing since Twitter, because if they didn’t nobody would ever do it because losing weight is harder the hardest thing ever.

Again though, I’m just guessing here.