2010 – Page 6 – The only certainty is bad grammar

Does this mean my new Bears coat is bad luck?

October 4, 2010 Crystal bears, humor, medium

I have come to the conclusion that the Giants are meanies.

Man, that was hard to watch.

Seriously, what happens when a third-string quarter back gets hurt? Does Gould go in? Because if Gould goes in, I’d think he’d be pretty reliable in the position. I’m just sayin.

My heart goes out to Jay Cutler though. The guy doesn’t suck. He doesn’t. His offensive line just secretly hates his guts so they move out of the way anytime someone from the opposing team even looks in their direction. Or maybe they’re just scared of the other guys. Or maybe they’re just figments of our imagination, and Lovie doesn’t even actually have anyone playing those positions.

Whatever the case, I feel bad for Cutler. I didn’t see the first half of last night’s Bears’ game because I was doing church stuff, but I did listen to the second quarter on Bears Radio 780, so I heard seven of the AND CUTLER GETS SACKED AGAIN!!!s.

Makes me cringe just thinking about it.

And then, because it’s apparently a record or some crap, I got to watch the replays of all 9 sacks on Cutler over, and over, and over as commentators talked smack about my beloved Bears.

Rough night man.

On a better note, let me get a HOLLA!!! for our defense. Those guys rock. They’re all, “Oh, you think you’re going to get a touch down because you’re one yard from the goal? Ha! No. Let me just pop that ball right out of your arm.”

Good times.

But then, of course our stupid offense couldn’t even get out of the end zone so the defense had to come right back on the field. And I know they had to be tired. I would be if I played like 55 minutes of a 60 minute game because my offense thought first downs were bad luck.

Don’t misunderstand, I’m still going to go around being happy that the Bears are 3-1. That’s still good. What? It is? And maybe Sunday’s game will force the Bears to look-up “running game” this week on Wikipedia or something, and they’ll come back with some better plays.

I still have hope for this team and I still believe with all my heart that they will make the play-offs this year.

Now excuse me while I say a prayer for Cutler’s quick recovery and a new offensive line.

Droid does.

Published: September 28, 2010 / Updated: September 28, 2010 Crystal humor, im cool, short

I got a Droid X.

YIPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

OMGOMGOMG! I LOVE THIS PHONE!

It can play Pandora music WHILE I surf the internet, it can tell me where to eat within a two mile radius of wherever I am, it can take HD video, it has an 8 mega pixle camera, it’s pretty, it synchs perfectly with all things Google, it has Swype texting (that’s tech talk, for THE COOLEST TEXTING EVER), it says DROID in a cool deep voice whenever I get a message, it’s pretty, it tells me what percent charged it is while I charge it, it makes phone calls, it can be a wireless hot spot, it’s pretty, and well, I’m sure it does approximately 3.7 million more things I haven’t figured out yet.

Sure, it loses battery power in like three minutes, but that’s only because I play with it all the time. And sure, I still can’t figure out how to get all my music on it, but that’s only because all my files are WMA. And ya, ya, ya, my right index finger is kind of sore from playing Bejeweled so much.

But whatever because THIS PHONE IS SO COOL.

Also, did I mention it’s pretty?

If you are currently in the market for a phone, all I’m going to say is that THIS phone will blow YOUR phone so far away that it’ll probably land in Hawaii. On the west coast.

You should probably be jealous of me now.

That is all.

Where my heart is

September 23, 2010 Crystal feminism?, humor, short

I’m totally addicted to spray tans.

I got this package from this place across the street from my house, where I pay $40 up front and then for 5 months I get $10 spray tans. ACROSS THE STREET. $10!!! YIPPEE!!! YAY!!! WOHOO!!!

It started with like two a month, but then I thought, if two a month are good, then four a month are great! AND THEN, I was like, well, seven days is kind of long to go between spray tans, so I got one after five days last week.

It’s a problem. OK. I know. Geeze.

I’m working on it.

OK. I’m not really working on it. It’s so fun and they make my blue eyes pop like daggers, and I love them.

Plus, they give you these little stickers, so you can get like spray tan tattoos when you do it, and I got a heart sticker and put it on my wrist and I know it looks guido , but if I die tomorrow, I would like to have a little heart on my wrist all right?

Plus, you know, seeing as how I go around wearing my heart on my sleeve the whole thing is almost poetic.

Speaking of hearts, I’m still single.

Also, I really, really hate when people ask me why I’m single. It’s too the point that I just assume people are thinking it when they meet me, even though they’re probably just thinking about the laundry or the dishes or my typos.

I assume though, that in their minds, they’re all, ‘Hmm, she LOOKS normal. Something must be wrong though. Maybe she kills puppies in her spare time, or maybe her feet smell like garbage mixed with old milk, or maybe she’s just dumb.’

I don’t, they don’t and I’m not.

But whatever.

It’s cool.

I’m cool with it.

I’m single. And I’m still a pretty OK person. All right?

And if I die single with my heart on my wrist, well, then so be it.

But I’d rather not.

I’d rather be with my partner, my soul mate, my one and only.

Are those things even real? Do they exist? Should I just give up?

I don’t know, but I’m starting to think my heart will survive either way.