humor – Page 28 – The only certainty is bad grammar

Norton Antivirus needs an antidote

Published: February 24, 2010 / Updated: February 24, 2010 Crystal blackberry, humor, medium, Wow

Holy pop-ups, can someone, somewhere in techland please kill Norton for me? A slow death that involves lazers, mace, tire marks, antibiotics and perhaps some sort of STD would be preferable, but a fast death also would suffice.

For realz guys. The stupid program is driving me insane.

Every 24 hours, it’s all HELLO! PLEASE RENEW NOW! HELLO! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! RENEW NORTON ANTI-VIRUS NOW! IF YOU DON’T RENEW RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND YOU’RE A HORRIBLE COMPUTER MOM! SO RENEW! NOW!!

I tried to tell it nicely that I’m too broke for such things. I tried to just click it away. But then, BAM. the next day, it’s back. It’s like an annoying co-worker who makes you nod along to his stories about beef jerky all the time. Everyday I say I’m not interested. But everyday they both come back.

I tried to delete the program, but it just gave me another pop-up saying I needed special permission. Seeing as how this is MY computer, the whole thing just made me hate it even more.

So then, I asked Google for help. But the suggestions I found there were slightly beyond what I felt comfortable doing to my Windows Vista, which isn’t really known for its ability to perform well under pressure and updates.

It’s almost as if Norton Antivirus has mutated into a virus that’s even more annoying than any of the viruses it’s not even protecting me from.

Kind of like how crutches make your arms hurt after you ankle heals. Except not at all. And worse.

Weight weight, don’t tell me.

Published: February 18, 2010 / Updated: February 18, 2010 Crystal exercise, feminism?, humor, im cool, medium, weight loss, Wow

Things people say about my weight that weird me out:

I bet you’re beating off the boys with a stick now.

Umm. Huh? First of all, no. No. I am not. I live in the suburbs, where every man is married with 2.5 kids and a upside down mortgage. Second of all, why wouldn’t I have been beating them off with a stick before?

Keep it up.

What the crap? I lost 54 pounds. How in the name of all that is caloric are you not satisfied? What if I just want to keep it down for a while. Gawd.

Oh. Wow. I didn’t recognize you.

Really? You didn’t? For real? That’s insane. I still have the same eyes, nose and pink purse. You need to look closer next time.

I bet you’ll be married in no time now.

Really? Is that all I needed. You’re probably right. I mean, heck I saw a nice young man at the Wal-Mart yesterday, I bet he’ll marry me, what with the fact that I lost weight and all. Give me a break.

You’re skinnier than me now. You suck.

Umm. In fact, you are the one who sucks. I worked my behind off for the last six months so I could weigh two pounds less than you and you’re JEALOUS? Why don’t you just give up soda for like a minute, lose your stupid two pounds, and we’ll call it all even.

Do you feel healthier?

What does that even mean? It’s like asking if someone feels “30” on their birthday. I feel like Crystal.

.

Uh. Dude. I LOST 54 POUNDS! I think that should at LEAST qualify me for a, “You look nice today.” How are you not going to say anything?

And now, one that someone said that was perfect.

Your thighs look smaller.

Courtesy of my little sister. Just out of the blue. All, “Your thighs look smaller.” Made me giddy for bathing suit season.

Iraq you say?

Published: February 16, 2010 / Updated: February 16, 2010 Crystal feminism?, humor, journalism, short, Wow

I met a boy this weekend while at a umm, place people dance to very loud music and flashing lights.

He’s super cute, and a Marine and I really like him.

And when we met in the middle of the dance floor, I was all “So, you’re a Marine? Have you ever been to Iraq?”

He shook his head yes.

Seeing as how I’ve written about 739 stories about soldiers who’ve been in Iraq, I then started asking him relatively specific questions about his experience. I asked about the weather, and the living arrangements and what exactly he did while he was there, and how long he was there, and how his family dealt with all the stress and I think I even asked him how he felt about Obama shifting focus so that more troops were headed toward Afghanistan.

And then, like three hours later, I was still bringing it up, and he looked at me, with these gorgeous brown eyes that reminded me bite-size pieces of milk chocolate, and said, “I’m sorry. I just can’t lie to you. I’ve never been to Iraq. I didn’t hear you when you originally asked me on the dance floor, so I just shook my head yes, and then before I knew what was happening I realized you thought I’d been to Iraq, and I couldn’t go back. But, I’ve never actually been there. I’ve been to Hawaii though.”

At least I know the man can’t lie well under pressure – that’ll probably be useful later.

Plus, did I mention he’s super cute?