humor – Page 56 – The only certainty is bad grammar

some saturday morning ramblings.

Published: June 6, 2009 / Updated: June 6, 2009 Crystal anti-meat, humor, im cool

first things first, im told bushes apparently CAN catch on fire for no apparent reason. per my friend pete on gchat:

[mulch] ferments, it doesn’t decompose.
well, it decomposes. but it doesn’t dry out per se, it holds moisture very well, and if you were to use a pitch fork to overturn a large pile of mulch, it is not uncommon for steam to arise from it.
if you ever venture into a landscape supply yard and see a front end loader scooping mulch out, there will be a lot, a lot, of heat underneath.
enough to produce a fire, i don’t know. not likely, in my humble opinion. but that’s just me.
in the summer i would say it could happen.
it’s actually why landscape yards or tree service operations have to turn their mulch on a fairly regular basis.

it still sounds like a made-up thing. however, IF this true, i want to take this moment to make a public service announcement: WATCH YOUR MULCH AND BUSHES! THEY MIGHT RANDOMLY START ON FIRE.

there.

in other news, im all achy and feverish and im pretty sure its because i slept like 4 hours the entire time i was in south dakota and my immune system is shot to crap.

also, i ate cheese while i was there.

what?

huh?

ya.

i did.

It’s SOUTH DAKOTA people! have you ever BEEN there? they serve cheese with their gas.

plus i really wanted zesto’s ice cream, which is hands down the best ice cream in the whole freaking world. actually universe. actually in existence.

i want to be clear, i do not in any way think eating the cheese is what shot my immune system to crap.

also, i came back to the land of lincoln and was solid vegan on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.

but then Friday came.

and i had some more cheese.

it’s saturday morning now. and im so-far vegan today, one meal in.

i wasn’t even going to write about this here, because im pretty sure vegans around the world will be all “CRYSTAL SUCKS AT LIFE!” but i figure there HAS to be other people out there who struggle at least ONCE in awhile with veganism. i mean they can’t ALL live near whole foods and humas-selling sandwich shops right?

anyway, i still want to be vegan, and im going to try again. i just wish i had even ONE vegan friend who i could go to for support.

oh! and also my friend lyndon, who i actually haven’t seen in person since my undergrad days at WIU, is in mexico doing some sort of research stuff i think. i’d rather he was here, in illinois, hanging out with me. but lucky for us the next best thing is available. he started a blog. and you can read it here. go on. go read it now.

good day. i said GOOD DAY.

a burning bush. for real.

Published: May 27, 2009 / Updated: May 28, 2009 Crystal humor, im cool, medium

this is the story of how a bush in front of my house spontaneously combusted.

or so I’m told.

i was driving home from work Sunday night, day dreaming about the cute firefighter i had met a few days before thinking how i kind of wished there was a fire and then he could rescue me. and BAM. there was a fire.

for real.

except he didn’t come. but a real fire truck did. complete with firemen.

apparently the bush had caught on fire, my neighbors had smelled smoke, and then they had rushed outside to throw a bucket of water on it. they also called the appropriate authorities. about three seconds later, i got home from work to burned bush.

and i shyte you not, the fireman tried to tell me that the mulch had somehow got hot enought at 10 p.m. at night to spontaneously start on fire, because, according to him THERE WAS NO OTHER EXPLANATION.

im sorry? what? really? REALLY?

“Will it spontaneously combust AGAIN?!”

“No ma’am. there’s water on it now.”

“Oh. ok.”

i was so tried i believed him. for real. and then my roommate was like “WHAT? THAT’S CRAZY!?”

and i was like, “oh. huh. a bush starting on fire for no reason does sound kind of crazy. now that i think about, im pretty sure the only time i’ve ever heard of that happening was in the bible.”

unfortunately the firefighter had already left when i figured that out though, so i have no freaking clue how the bush caught fire.

in case you’re one of those people who likes photographic evidence of bushes that spontaneously catch on fire, here you go:

star trek, radio stations and crystal light

Published: May 21, 2009 / Updated: May 21, 2009 Crystal humor, im cool, medium, random thoughts

so, sometimes, after i write ALL DAY for my real job where i make real some a little money, it is super hard to come here and slave over a computer for you people my awesome readers. but i make time because i love you. and even though i have exactly 27 minutes before i have to hop in the shower and go off to another long day at the office, im here. writing for you. right now.

so, yes, yes, i saw star trek. and it rocked. and i went with a super duper star trek geek fan (who’s also cute. i know. weird) so he was able to explain everything to me. which was good, seeing as how there’s a thing at the end with the guy and the other guy that i totally DID NOT understand until he spent about 15 minutes explaining it to me afterward. but i get it now. i swear.

i would definitely recommend this movie to everyone and their mother, and their dog. it’s pretty fun. i mean, it was no “sex and the city” but watching all those magical special effects and pretty space ships on a big screen was worth the $9 for sure.

speaking of the number 9, does anyone else in chicagoland get confused by radio station phone numbers? i mean, there are like 74 area codes in a three-block radius of my house, but the stations just give out seven-digits. all “591-9696,” or “591-US99.”

i want to win rascal flatts tickets too guys. do i need to dial 312 for chicago? or will my 630 cell phone area code work? i don’t understand. how do i get through? and why don’t they have a freaking 800 number, which would just clear all this up?

how am i supposed to win, if can’t figure out how to call them?!

sigh.

anywho, on to more exciting things. like the fact that Crystal Light is advertising on my blog. GUYS! MY NAME IS CRYSTAL! and their name is Crystal too!! how cool is that? im not gong to lie, i have bought crap tons of products because the word crystal was used on the package. crystal sprinkles, crystal clean toothpaste, crystal mint gum. it’s the least i can do seeing as how these companies named their stuff after ME!

what’s that? you don’t think it’s exciting? well how would you feel if there was [insert your name here] shower gel, or [insert your name here] nikes. you know you would run out and buy them right this second

and don’t even get me started on the fact that i work in the city of CRYSTAL lake. i know. fate right? the only thing cooler would be if my name were Jesus (hey-zeus). those guys rock.