humor – Page 57 – The only certainty is bad grammar

maybe a seat-purse would have been better?

Published: May 18, 2009 / Updated: May 18, 2009 Crystal humor, medium, sh*tty things that happen to me

holy engine, does the freaking seat belt in my freaking car annoy the freaking crap out of me.

apparently, the car makers of america think im short right along with the kitchen cabinet makers of america. so, aside from the fact that i cannot reach anything ever, the stupid seat belt in my darn car is basically slicing through my neck every time i drive anywhere.

im too short for it to sit at the right angle, so instead it just slides right from my chest to below my ear. and then i push it back. and then it slides again.

repeat.

732 times. ish.

look. right there. under my chin. see it? that’s the beginning stages of a bruise. im telling you. it is. well, that, or newspaper ink.

and sometimes, i give in and place the belt behind my seat. but then i worry that 1. a cop will pull me over and cite me for some sort of technicality in the Illinois’ seat belt law prohibiting me from doing that, resulting in a $562 fine

or 2. i will get in a tragic accident involving a deer, a semi and a motorcycle and then my body will be sliced in half along my lower abdomen because im only wearing half a seat belt and somehow that half of the seat belt is laying in such a way that it can cut through my skin and bones and organs.

so i put it back over my chest.

and then it rides up under my neck.

and then i cry.

while we’re on the topic of cars, let’s also talk about how the headlights on every SUV in america sit so that they hit my driver-side mirror and blind me every night, a problem i fear will one day hinder my ability to see important things.

like stop signs, bicyclists or oncoming traffic.

adjusting the mirror does not help. i’ve tried.

basically, what im telling you is, i drive around every night squinting my eyes while a seat belt slices into my neck. and maybe if you want to stay off the roads around 11, 11:30 p.m. that’d be cool.

a trip to the car doctor

Published: May 14, 2009 / Updated: May 15, 2009 Crystal humor, im cool, medium

fine. whatever. i finally went to get a stupid, lame oil change.

i know. i should have gotten it like 7,000 miles ago. I KNOW. leave me alone. paying for car-anything sucks. i hate paying for car crap with all my heart. we should all just be happy that i manage to fill it up with gas on a regular basis. ok?

so ya, since i finally took my lovely green escourt to the car doctor, i knew it was time to talk about THE SOUND.

some have thought it was a space ship. some have thought it was a tornado siren. some have thought my car was actually talking. (hi april).

it’s been making this weird high-pitched flute-like noise, for oh, umm, about a year or so. no seriously. a year.

and i’ve just been going around ignoring it while turning up my radio. but now summer is here again, and i keep rolling down my window. and then, of course, i can hear it. and well, i was told yesterday that it would actually be much, much worse if say my car just up and died on me, then it would be to pay whatever it costs to fix it, so i really need to get it fixed asap, and well, when you put it that way. fine.

so i asked the mechanics to check it out. and then one of them realized that the noise was coming from my oil dip stick, which was hitting something because of a crazy suction problem. and im not going to lie, i kind of thought this was funny.

the mechanic did NOT think this was funny.

and he explained to me that it was being caused because of some weird air pattern from my engine.

and i asked him how bad it was, like was my car going to blow up?

and he said, very seriously, that he did not know. but it could.

and that i NEED to get it looked at by a dealer like yesterday. but then, he went and jimmy rigged it, so it doesn’t make that noise anymore.

me in my head: cool. it’s fixed.

him. reading my thoughts: it is NOT fixed.

me in my head: whatever, i’ll just get it looked at some day.

him. reading my thoughts agian: do NOT wait to get this looked at. in fact. you should drive it directly to the dealer right now.

me in my head,( this time smiling at him, like ‘silly boy, im not going to do that’): ya. that’s not going to happen.

him. using his telepathy power again: no. SERIOUSLY. GET THIS CHECKED NOW.

instead i drove back to work, then home. and i plan to repeat tomorrow.

if you get some weird phone call at 11:27 p.m. tomorrow, please answer. there’s a good chance my car just died on route 14.

star trek, cnn holograms, and fonts

Published: May 13, 2009 / Updated: May 13, 2009 Crystal humor, im cool, medium

ok. seriously. how cool does that movie look.

HOW. COOL?!?!?

i need to see this movie. right now. right this very second.

except apparently im so lame that even though I’m a girl (a pretty girl, if i do say so myself) i can’t find even ONE nerdy boy to go see star trek.

not one.

what is WRONG with me?

i figure going alone to see star trek as a girl would just be a new low for me, so it’s looking like i’ll have to wait for the video.

OR, maybe i can meet a boy at the movie. what do you think? is 25 too old to be meeting boys at movie theaters?

speaking of science fiction, what happened to cnn’s holograms? i was SO excited when those came out. i told all my friends that we would forever remember it as the day of the hologram.

forever.

then cnn dropped them quicker than the stock market crashed. *poof* no mention of them on america’s most trusted news network. nothing. nada. zilch. i hereby am officially requesting that CNN bring back the hologram. i want to see that awesomeness in every home in america by 2012 people.

and while we’re on the topic of things that bother me, holy serif, does the space between the lines of my font here annoy the crap out of me. i almost didn’t want to write about it, so as not to draw attention to the annoyance of it all to those of you lucky enough not to have noticed.

i have tried my hardest to tweak whatever is causing it in the design’s html, but i’ve got nothing here people. the closest i came was tuesday when i accidentally made the text supa big because i thought it might squish it together. alas, that did not happen.

i really, really love this stupid design though, so i haven’t give up hope yet.

maybe there’s a nerdy boy on his way to Regal Showplace 16 to see star trek i could ask about this?