humor – Page 63 – The only certainty is bad grammar

the hannah montana movie kinda inspired me

Published: April 12, 2009 / Updated: April 14, 2009 Crystal humor, im cool, long

it’s not like i didn’t want to see it. i did. i mean have you SEEN the previews? it’s just that going with my nine year-old-sister does provide a nice alibi for when the cool kids ask why i was at the hannah montana movie.

the thing you have to understand is that i am still a nine-year-old girl inside. boys are a puzzle, i hate cleaning my room and with the right training mixed with a little luck i really believe ‘i might even be a rock star.’

so, seeing as how i haven’t mentally left fourth grade, well, i thought the movie ROCKED!

there was singing. there was laughing. and there was a brand, spanking, new dance that made me want to “countrify it” AND “hip hop it” despte the fact that the two typically contradict each other. alas, disney magic made them ONE. sigh. seriously. is there anything disney magic can’t do?

the thing that’s awesome about being a young girl – the thing that i miss most – is all the possibility that surrounds the age (also, the ability to say the word “like” in every sentence without judgement). I mean, if you’d have asked me what i was going to be “when i grew up” at my eighth-grade graduation, i would have earnestly answered “anything i want to be.”

and i would have meant it.

president? sure.

lawyer? why not?

famous soap opera actor? ya. if i feel like it.

and that’s the fantasy that hannah montana signs, seals and delivers: possibility.

but now. years later. the crushing weight of life has fallen on my head from the sky. and although there are possibilities, i feel like they’ve greatly dwindled.

and it sucks.

so sometimes i need someone like hannah montana to come along and remind me that dreams are worth dreaming, and that goals can be achieved. and just the same, i need my little sister sitting to my right looking up at me full of possibility. to remind me i can still be anything i want to be. i can still do anything i want to do, seeing as how its the same advice i shove down her young throat every chance i get, and what kind of sister would i be if i didn’t practice what i preach?

I need them to remind me that “there’s always going to be another mountain” and “I’m always going to want to make it move” and “The struggles I’m facing, The chances I’m taking, Sometimes they knock me down, but No I’m not breaking.”

funny, it took couple young girls and a little disney magic to come along and remind me about “possibility.”

thank god for that.

so how long before EVERYONE is a raw vegan?

Published: April 4, 2009 / Updated: April 14, 2009 Crystal humor, medium, Uncategorized, vegan

Because for some reason, my friends love me way more than necessary, I some how convinced a couple of them to go to a raw vegan restaurant in Chicago today with me (despite their typical meat-eating ways).

Don’t fret, i haven’t gone raw myself — it was just the closest vegan restaurant to my friend’s house. We made our way to Cousin’s Incredible Vitality and well, it didn’t suck.

I’ve never been to a vegan-only restaurant so I dived in with an open mind and the glass of warm water the waitress had given me (apparently, aside from avoiding fire, raw vegan also don’t use ice).

And I apologize in advance that the pictures are blurry, but they were taken with my cell phone. Yes, Sandy B., I know you do not approve, but it’s MY blog. so deal with it.

I ordered the sampler platter (pictured above), which included three appetizers:

Mini Flax Pizzas
Luscious Pizzas with almond cheese, marinara, olive tapenade avocado, love and gratitude.

Triple Taco
Mango salsa and refried beans” on three romaine taco shells.

Spinach Delight
Savory creamed spinach, shallots, fresh herbs, sundried tomatoes, and love dehydrated to perfection.

I’ve learned that you can’t go around expecting vegan versions of things to taste like whatever they’re imitating, but I have to say, none of these were even close to what they said they were. Don’t get me wrong, I liked them, but I did not feel like i had eaten pizza, taco and spinach dip at the end of my meal.

The “tacos” had lettuce instead of regular shells, but they also had crap tons of flavor and were probably my favorite thing. However, I should point out that I did appreciate the “love dehydrated to perfection” in the spinach delight.

One of my friend’s orders is pictured above and I think it was the following:

Mediterranean pasta 9
zucchini noodles with choice of marinara or pesto sauce and pine nut parmesan

I’m pretty sure she really, really, really wanted to heat it up in some fashion, but other than that, I think she liked it.

My other friend’s order is pictured above:

Ravioli á la Turka
Cashew ricotta cheese folded into a delicious beet pasta shell smothered in spicy marinara.

He raved about it like there was no tomorrow, but I’m not sure whether he really liked it or whether he was just trying to make feel better about the fact that I had dragged two of my friends to a raw vegan restaurant.

He and I also got dessert, which I really did think was AMAZING, and he at least said was AMAZING, but again I couldn’t be sure if he really liked it or if he was just trying to ease my concerns. Both where cheese-less cheese cakes. Mine chocolate and his chocolate banana.

I have no freaking clue how any of these dishes were made, but I have to say, if I lived within a 15 mile radius of this place, I could see myself eating there on a regular basis.

So, does anyone know of any other good Chicago vegan restaurants?

Feel free to scan though for the more interesting questions

Published: April 4, 2009 / Updated: April 14, 2009 Crystal bears, humor, im cool, long

I’m stressed, and tired and mad about things I’d rather not write about here. So instead, I pulled this survey from some random online site and decided to fill it out for your weekend reading pleasure. Just take it and be happy you have original content to read on a Saturday night while you watch March Madness.

Have you ever licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work?

Hmm. I didn’t realize that was a possible solution to the problems I’ve had with my Paula Abdul CD. But now that I know.

What’s the largest age difference between yourself and someone you’ve dated?

10 years.

Ever been in a car wreck?

“A” car wreck? No. Multiple car wrecks? Yes. But I’d like to point out that nobody has ever been seriously injured in any of the said wrecks.

Were you popular in high school?

Not so much. But there were like 500 kids in my senior class, so even though I wasn’t homecoming queen or anything, I wasn’t unpopular either.

Have you ever been on a blind date?

Does online dating count? Yes? Well then yes.

Are looks important?

I like for the guy to be a minimum of two inches taller than me, but beyond that, I’m usually good.

Do you have any friends that you’ve known for 10 years or more?

Yes. Her name is April C. Eichele. (pronounced i kill.)

By what age would you like to be married?

I’d rather be happy and single then miserable and married by a certain age.

Does the number of people a person’s slept with affect your view of them?

Not one bit.

Have you ever made a mistake?

Where are the people who say no to this question? I want to meet them right this second.

Are you a good tipper?

Yes. I once waitressed and it sucked. If you think a 10 percent tip is good, you suck.

What’s the most you have spent for a haircut?

Counting a dye job and whatnot? $200 ish. Don’t judge. Boys spend WAY more than that on what I would call simply “stupid car things”

Have you ever had a crush on a teacher?

Yes.

Have you ever peed in public?

No.

What song do you want played at your funeral?

Ave Maria, Amazing Grace and something upbeat, like “I like big butts and I cannot lie” just to make sure things don’t get too sad.

Would you tell your parents if you were gay?

Yes. I’m not. But yes, I would. I don’t think they’d care.

What would your last meal be before getting executed?

Taco bell gordita supreme, and a side of Boston Market mac and cheese. (If I was about to die, I give up on the vegan thing.)

Beatles or Stones?

Beatles. Yellow submarine anyone?

If you had to pick one person on earth to die, who?

I know who. He knows who. That’s all I need to say.

Beer, wine or hard liquor?

I enjoy a nice mixed drink, but I’m also a fan of the white wine.

Do you have any phobias?

I’d rather people not touch my ears.

What are your plans for the future?

I used to have plans, but then my industry got cancer and started dying, so now I’m just winging it.

Do you walk around the house naked?

I usually opt for at least some undergarments and a t-shirt.

If you were an animal what would you be?

A dog.

Hair color you like on someone you’re dating?

Brown.

Would you rather be blind or deaf?

Deaf. I like good design too much.

Do you have any special talents?

Some people would argue that I can write.

What do you do as soon as you walk in the house?

Take off my shoes and throw my purse on the kitchen table.

Do you like horror or comedy?

Comedy. I watched that Freddy Kruger movie and an unhealthy age (like 5) and I’ve been screwed up ever since.

Are you missing anyone?

I move too much, so I’m usually missing at least one person at any given moment now.

Where do you want to live when you are old?

Hawaii. Or at least south of Kentucky.

Who is the person you can count on the most?

My mom. She’s my biggest fan and will answer my call no matter what time of day or night.

If you could date any celebrity past or present, who would it be?

Johnny Depp.

What did you dream last night?

I met an attorney yesterday (Friday), then I dreamt I was on trial for something.

What is your favorite sport to watch?

Bears Football (and yes, i’m excited about jay cutler!!!)

Are you named after anyone?

Not that I know of.

What is your favorite alcoholic drink?

Amaretto Stone Sour

Non alcoholic drink?

Coke

Have you ever been in love?

Yes. I still wonder if he was my soul mate. You say crazy, I say, you don’t know what that time with him was like for me.

Do you sing in the shower?

Most days.

Have you ever been arrested?

Not yet.

What is your favorite Holiday?

Fourth of July.

Would you ever get plastic surgery?

After this? No thanks.