humor – Page 67 – The only certainty is bad grammar

a radiant force of awesomeness

Published: February 28, 2009 / Updated: March 1, 2009 Crystal humor, medium

so my friend sandy is now claiming that she’s shy on the inside. and with God as my witness, I’m have to say i think it’s a d*mn lie.

I mean, it doesn’t make any freaking sense. the girl is like a radiant force of awesomeness when she’s in a room full of people. and to be perfectly honest, she’s like a radiant force of awesomeness when she’s just one-on-one with someone. she could make a newly orphaned child laugh hysterically. and she’s constantly going around telling people that she’s the funniest person she knows. which would offend me if it wasn’t true. so i just cannot understand how this beam of light that is my friend sandy could possibly be shy.

but alas, she insists that she is. and that she just sucks it up everyday of her life at her job where she talks to random strangers like it’s going out of style. and that she’s always been afraid to talk to people she doesn’t know.

if this is true, then i have to say, she’s has done one killer job overcoming her weakness and making a super-strength.

i kinda wish newspapers would be more like my friend sandy.

i mean, they have SO many weaknesses. like their inability to make money. or their inability to get readers. or their inability to keep up with technology. so just think. if they could overcome even one of those weaknesses and make a super strength, they could probably take over the world.

or at least find a way to pay me enough so that i could stop getting phone calls from creditors.

frick. the irs knows more about me than ME.

Published: February 26, 2009 / Updated: February 26, 2009 Crystal humor, medium

i almost just failed a quiz about myself.

the irs was all, we just need you to answer a few questions before we can give you your adjusted gross income.

me: ok

nice man from the IRS: what’s your social. (this one i answer with ease).

nice man again: what’s your address?

me: my current one? or the one i filed from last year?

man: give me both and we’ll see.

i give him both. but it’s neither.

me: hmm. well, i lived in Naperville for like a month, is it the one in Naperville?

nice man: yes. what’s that address?

i give it to him. but i cannot for the life of me remember the apartment number or zip code.

nice man now laughing at me: it’s ok. i can ask another question. what form did you file last year?

me: crap. i KNEW you were going to ask me that. i don’t know. the one turbo tax told me to file?

man: well. ok. it’s all right. you don’t have to get every question right.

me: i haven’t got ANY question right.

man: ok. ok. where did you work in 2007?

me: hmm. i worked in two places. i worked for gannett. and umm. the capital journal. who owned the capital journal? i cannot remember. FRICK!

man from the irs now taking pity on me: it’s ok. it’s ok. the gannett answer will do. here’s your agi.

and that’s when i realized that the government is wasting WAY too much time keeping tabs on me.

yes. i am aware that this contradicts everything my blog url stands for.

Published: February 25, 2009 / Updated: February 25, 2009 Crystal humor, medium

ok. don’t freak out or anything. but, well, i kinda gave up taco bell for lent.

like, really, really gave it up. as in, i wrote it on the purple piece of paper included in my church bulletin and then folded it up and put it on the offering plate.

that means, if i don’t do it. JESUS will know.

JESUS!

so i really, really HAVE to do it. don’t get me wrong, i went back and forth about it in my head for a hot minute before I finalized anything. i was all “well, Jesus did DIE for me. the least i can do is give up tacos.” and then “hmm. but i LOVE taco bell. i eat it like three times a week. what the heck will i eat instead? cereal?” and then “but i guess I don’t love it more than JESUS.”

so i wrote it down.

and folded it up.

and took it up to the offering plate, got my ashes on my forehead and made it official.

all this is an effort to let you know that a. i’d really you rather not eat taco bell in my presence until Easter, because this is going to be super hard. and b. i might be a little cranky for the next 40 days.