im cool – Page 19 – The only certainty is bad grammar

Be here now.

Published: October 11, 2009 / Updated: October 11, 2009 Crystal im cool, medium

When I’m sinking in an article – the world seems right.

As I’m constructing the story, and absorbing the interview notes, and carefully placing each word in each sentence, my surroundings fade away. I’m not worried about money, or car repairs, or bad dates.

When I’m leading the youth group – the world seems content.

As I’m handing out hot dog buns, and leading prayer, and connecting with a kid I never imagined I’d connect with, the stress blurs. I’m not strategizing office politics, or wondering if I’ll ever have kids, or concerning myself with the fate of health care.

When I’m eating pancakes with old friends – the world seems good.

As I’m discussing the fate of journalism, and looking through last night’s photos, and fantasizing about life in the city, the self-judgment takes a break. I’m not tallying omelet and syrup calories in my head, I’m not comparing my financial success to anyone’s expectations and I’m not wondering how my eyebrows look.

A friend told me she once had a professor who used to say: Be here now.

It’s hard though. People always say technology makes it harder, but it’s always been hard.

You have make an effort most of the time.

But in life there are rare moments when it just happens. Times where you’re living your passion, or finding a new one, or connecting with friends.

Thank God for those moments.

Thank God.

Daily ramblings. (Like twitter, but longer).

Published: October 9, 2009 / Updated: October 9, 2009 Crystal anti-meat, feminism?, humor, im cool

I should be asleep right now, seeing as how I have to wake up in 6.75 hours.

I used to be a 9-hours a night kinda girl. Alas, not so much now.

It’s the stress man.

Seriously.

And some other things.

Lucky for you though, I use this time to blog. So we’ve got that going for us.

Let’s see. Well first, thanks for all the wishes of support after my last post. It was much appreciated.

I do want to note that I know I write very honest things on here, and sometimes they come off as dark. I think most people freak out about life though. Actually, I KNOW they do. I’m great at making friends, and all my friends always tell me how freaked the F out they are.

I just write it down.

And then post it for everyone and their pumpkin to see.

I understand the consequences, and I’m cool with it. But like I said, thanks for the wishes of support.

Speaking of nothing, (as my dear blog-friend Krista would say) (speaking of Krista, that girl hasn’t posted in a hot minute) I’m pretty sure my roommate tricked me into a down comforter.

Being a vegetarian and all, I usually frown on such things. But when she offered me the best blanket eva in all the land (no doubt so we could keep heating costs down for a change) she assured me it was fake.

I’m here to tell you, I’ve had fake down – this is not that.

This is amazing.

This is envelop you with love wrapped in hugs and smiles while sprinkling fairy dust in your dreams good. In the interest of warmth though, my current plan is to continue pretending it’s fake.

(Don’t tell PETA).

Moving along, I had a fight with a guy last night.

Not really a fight. More a “this is never going to work is it.”

I know. I know. You’re thinking “Crystal? You were dating someone?! What?”

I just like to keep those things on the down low. You understand. Maybe it’s because I knew this particular thing could never work.

Irregardless, I feel like someone went inside my chest and lopped off a piece of my bleeding red heart.

Just took it. Just like that.

And now it’s gone, and my heart will be stronger because of it in the end.

But today sucked. Today I felt sad and lost and lopsided.

And of course it rained today. The kind of rain that lasts for hours and makes you cry when you get a second to yourself in the car.

Of course.

But it’s 12:09 now.

Which means it’s been Friday for nearly 10 minutes and it’s time to start a fantabulous weekend slated to include old friends, pizza and a corn maze.

It’s time to start healing my heart.

let’s have an honest talk about how your voicemails suck

Published: September 29, 2009 / Updated: September 29, 2009 Crystal blackberry, humor, im cool, long, sh*tty things that happen to me

So, ya. I’m pretty sure that in about 3 minutes we’ll all have Google Voice – which magically types out voicemail messages – and this whole post will seem old-fashioned.

But that three minutes is going to feel longer than a bad city council meeting if we don’t go over some things in the meantime.

Sure, sure, in the beginning it was cute to leave looooong messages. Giving a play by play of your day, telling me what to get at the store, or even signing a song was all just super fun.

But those days are over.

Over.

At first I hoped social norms would just kick in and we could avoid this awkward conversation all together. Alas, it’s been at least 18 years since you got voicemail, and yet you still don’t understand.

It’s ok though. I’m here to help!

There’s just a few things you need to learn and with a little training, I believe we all could be living in a better voicemail world by Halloween Christmas.

Let’s start on a positive note. Here’s how you should leave a voicemail:

Hey. This is Crystal, from [insert in ONE word about how you know this person. i.e. church, work, Madagascar]. My number is 234-567-8912. Just wanted to call and touch based on that project we’re doing. Give me a call when you get this. Again this is Crystal from [insert how you know this person one more time] and my number is 234-567-8912.

See what I did there? I stated my name in the beginning. Then BAM, a second after that, you get the answer to your next question – Crystal who? Oh! Crystal from Madagascar. Duh.

After that you get my number. Right there at the beginning.

It’s kind of amazing.

Then, I BRIEFLY explain why I’m calling. One 12- word sentence is all you need. Promise.

Then, once more – who I am, where I’m from and what my number is.

Bing.

Bam.

Boom.

This should not be hard.

Alas, it seems to be for you.

Here’s an example of a BAD voicemail:

Heeeeeyyyyyyy. How’s it going? I was just calling to ummm let you know that I had some questions about the power point you sent. I’m wondering why you choose the color blue for the front page, and ummmm why you like Ariel font. Wait. Nevermind. That’s Times New Roman. Oh. And ummm, where did you get that clip art from? Was it online or from your computer or somewhere else? I just wanted to know because I used to make power points professionally at Power Points R-Us back in 1997, and I’m really good at it, so I thought I would ask you why you made those decisions. I’m going to be on an airplane from ummmm about 5 to umm, oh about 6 tonight, so if you need to reach me then you’ll probably just have to leave a voicemail. Hope to hear from you soon though. Oh and ya, my number is 234-567-89.

Wow. Ok. There’s a couple (a million) problems here and although names and details have been changed to protect the guilty, I swear to Verizon that I get voicemails like this from TONS of people. (You).

Let’s discuss.

One. Why does it take you 7 seconds to say “Hey.” It’s a one-second word people. ONE. SECOND. I could use those extra seconds to Twitter, or take a vitamin, or apply hand sanitizer.

But no. I had to listen you extend the “ay” sound in hey for an extra six seconds. That’s six seconds I’ll never get back.

And while we’re on the topic, what is up with the Ummmms? Stop saying umm. It’s ANNOYING.

Moving along.

Why did you not tell me your name?!

WHY?!!

Are you so selfish as to think you are the ONLY person ever to work on a power point with me? You’re not. I need to know if you’re someone from work, or someone from church, or someone from Madagascar, because I work on power points with people from all three of those places. But you didn’t leave your name, and you kind of sound like that hot guy I meet Friday night, so now I’m just confused.

Also, why are you leaving three million questions (some with your own answers) and a line from your resume on my freaking voicemail? Just tell me that you want to talk about the power point and I will call you and THEN you can ask your stupid questions about font and color choice. Trust me, I’m not going to remember what the heck you were talking about three minutes later when I call you, and then you will just have to repeat yourself.

Trust me.

And finally, after I wasted 4 minutes and 27 seconds to get to your freaking phone number you LEAVE OFF TWO DIGITS!!!

DO YOU HATE ME?

I FEEL LIKE YOU HATE ME WHEN YOU DO THAT!

In the future, you should know that leaving your number at the beginning and the end will help avoid this problem. And then I will not hate you. (win-win).

Now, obviously there are exceptions to all of these rules.

For example, boyfriends and best friends can say whatever the crap they want on my voicemail, because I actually care about everything they say. And they don’t have to ever leave their number ever. Also, moms and roommates don’t even need to leave a voicemail at all, because chances are I’ll just talk to you within a few hours anyway.

Oh, and if you’re leaving me a compliment, I usually can overlook a drawn-out Heeey.

And obviously if there’s a situation involving a hospital, a winning lottery ticket, johnny depp or time travel you can talk as long as you want.

If none of those things apply to you though, please just stick to the color-coded example voicemail above, press pound for more options, or 4 to repeat your message, and have a fantabulous day!

Beeeeepppp.