long – Page 22 – The only certainty is bad grammar

is it ok if i just talk about driving and cars on this blog from now on?

July 30, 2008 Crystal humor, long

sigh.

so driving has officially taken over my existence.

yesterday, there i was, living my little life in mchenry, illinois when i went to start my ford escourt.

only my ford escourt (we’ll call her penelope) wasn’t having it.

she was all ‘ya. im not going to start. i hate that you just use me for your long-a$$ commutes, and you never get the good gas, and you never say thank-you, and you STILL haven’t gotten my muffler fixed.’

and i was all ‘WHAT!? I thought things were going so well between us. if it means that much to you i’ll totally get you the 93 octane gas next time.’

but she still didn’t start.

that b*tch.

she didn’t even care that i had to cover a meeting in like 10 minutes. nope. she didn’t care one bit.

so i had to track down the only other reporter who works out of my bureau office and have her drive me to the library.

then, after the meeting, i had to beg the night editor to send someone to rescue me so i could get my story in on time.

at this point an angle appeared.

his name is Mr. Awesome. (true story) and after he drove me to the main newspaper office in Crystal Lake so I could write my story, he was all ”oh, what? you need a ride to naperville, and that’s one hour away? sure. no problem. and don’t you worry your pretty little head about gas money.”

and since my pretty little head already was worried about my car, i listened to him.

and he drove me home.

and then, i had to figure out how the heck i was going to get back to my poor little car, which had found its way to crystal lake after a little boost from my jumper cables. (before you’re all ‘why didn’t you just drive the dang thing home after you jumped it?’ you should know that she kinda died in crystal lake. so there).

BEST FRIEND TO THE RESUCE (ish).

she said she could totally drive me to crystal lake, but only if i waited for her to get off work. and by waited, she meant, wait in her car in her work parking lot because it would be WAY out of the way to come back and pick me up at home when she got off and then drive me to crystal lake.

because car problems force you to work around others schedules, i totally agreed.

also, she said she would lend me the money for the repair, and since i only have $19.47 in my checking account, i was was pretty much her slave at this point.

so i woke up at 6 a.m. and got ready to go to work with her. i grabbed a pillow and a blanket and got comfy. she parked under a tree and said, ‘have fun.’ and i waited for her in the jewel parking lot for four hours.

(aside: i would like to remind everyone at this point that i DO in fact have a master’s degree. and yet i still don’t have the ability to pay for my own car problems, so i have to subject myself to hours on end in a parking lot.)

finally we made our way back to penelope.

she was still in a pissy mood. i jumped her again (which you’d think she’d like) and a few minutes later she died in the middle of the road.

yep. right there on a busy ass two-lane highway. and the truckers were whatever the opposite of sympathetic is. (mean?)

i pretty much feared for my life at this point.

so i started crying.

my best friend had to turn around and jump the b*tch again so i could make it to the repair shop. then those idiots at the shop told me they just didn’t have any time to look at her until at LEAST friday.

i gave up on life at this point and decided instead to become a tree. (i had heard they don’t need cars)

luckily my best friend pulled me back to reality and helped me find a mechanic who WOULD help me immediately. (thank you god.)

im pretty sure the shop was just a front for a mob operation (he called someone and told him that he should pick up the ‘mexicans’ now) but whatever, because he totally fixed my car.

and it was only $120.80.

which is about the same amount i spend on gas every week.

so i guess i’ll be ok.

and don’t worry. penelope and i have had a little talk, and i don’t think this will be happening again any time soon. (i told her i was seeing other cars, and she totally got her sh*t together. the ‘check engine’ light is even off.)

im too exhausted to think of a clever title. but moving sucks.

July 13, 2008 Crystal humor, long, wisconsin

so ya. moving sucks.

a lot.

and if you’re thinking ‘but crystal, YOU move so often that you’ve got to be used to it by now.’ you’re a stupidhead. HELLO! who the h*ll gets USED to things that suck? (think: fillings, laundry, long commutes.) nobody. instead, you just get a blog and complain about them.

i spent ALL DAY yesterday moving all my things from Oshkosh (b’gosh), Wisconsin to various illinois locations. and by ‘all day’, i actually mean ‘two days’ because i woke up at 7 a.m. and i didn’t hit the pillow until 1 a.m.

that’s 18 hours people! my secret platinum deodorant doesn’t even work that long. (i know that because of the unofficial test i did yesterday).

(oh. in case i don’t call you 14 times a day to tell you about my life and you’re thinking ‘WAIT! CRYSTAL! YOU’RE MOVING!??, here’s the background: im starting a new job in chicagoland tuesday. since i despise security deposits, im just going to crash with my bff in naperville for a few months while i figure out my life. however, she has no room for me so im putting most of my stuff in storage containers — now strategically located in my aunt’s hallway and my mom’s kitchen.)

ok. back to me complaining:

hot damn, moving a two-bedroom apartment’s worth of stuff down from the second floor is some hard sh*t. and moving it up to second-floor apartments on the other end after driving for 3.5 hours is harder.

here’s how my day from hades went:

i woke up when the sun did. i showered. i packed. and packed. and packed. and then i did some dishes, so i could pack them. then i dusted so i could take a break from packing. then my mom asked where she should pack my condoms. then i took over packing the bathroom.

then i went with my dad (a former professional truck driver) to pick up the u-haul. $420 stupid dollars later (including gas and stupid liability insurance) we were ready to load.

that took about 78 hours (ish).

then, just as we were ready to do a final walk through someone (im not going to name names) dropped a glass jar full of pennies in the kitchen.

this is when i realized that God hates me.

have you ever tried to pick up 567 pennies while avoiding tiny pieces of glass? it’s pretty risky. none of us could afford to lose our most valuable moving asset (our hands) so we had to just sweep the penny-glass concoction into a ziplock bag for later sorting.

sigh.

then we (me and my family) drove to the rockford-area to dump as much as i could at family members houses while i distracted them by giving them free things, like a tv and a lamp.

after some quick burger king (not for me. im vegan dork.) we hit the road to naperville.

however, because moving ALWAYS takes longer than expected we didn’t get there until like mid-night. my bff lives in a condo association where they have some crazy rules about not moving in after sun down. (i know, lame right?) since we were all too tired to follow rules, we opted to move my couch and entertainment center up to her second-story apartment without talking.

aside from the part where my shelves fell out of the entertainment center, i think we were successful at keeping quiet.

then i unpacked the water-logged fridge food from the cooler.

then i went to sleep.

and even though im exhausted by all this damn moving, i should be throwing my arms to the air in excitment because although i move every six to eight months my amazing family still keeps helping me with this horrid, horrid process.

really. they do. (i know! crazy, right?) I haven’t figured out why yet either but im thinking it’s because they think i’ll be rich one day and then I’ll give them stuff. i should probably tell them im a journalist huh?

anyway, im REALLY excited to be living in chicagoland. near a whole foods and guys who use a lot of hair gel.

and for those of you fretting about my recent lack of blogging, you’re now in luck because my bff has a computer.

with internet.

Saweet.

but i can’t blog anymore right now because i have to unpack.

moving sucks.

kind of like a public stoning, but for my eyebrows

July 10, 2008 Crystal humor, im cool, long

they look at LEAST as cool as angelina jolie's in Wanted

I have a confession to make.

If left unattended, i kind of have a uni-brow.

seriously.

but that’s not even the worst part.

the worst part is that nobody had the sense to shake the denial out of me about this until i was 18.

18!

People, it’s no wonder I had trouble dating in high school.

sigh.

anyway, thanks to an overly aggressive college roommate combined with some constant nagging from my bff, i finally got the things waxed in late 2001.

ever since then I’ve been on the hunt for THE perfect eyebrow waxer.

not an easy task for someone who moves every six months and refuses to pay anything over $13 for inflicted pain.

BUT THEN! my bff (who’s always one step ahead of the beauty trends) told me about threading.

and i’ll go ahead and lede with the fact that my eyebrows DO look pretty amazing. (see above).

however, there’s SO, SO, SO much more to that story than the lede.

for example, there’s some MA-JOR pain associated with the whole process.

With waxing someone puts hot wax on your eyes and then RRRRIIIIIPPPPS! it off (don’t get me wrong, that hurts like a bi-otch.) but everything’s over in less than a second and with some deep breathing, it’s almost not noticeable.

However, with threading, someone uses two small threads to repeatedly (that’s right, REPEATEDLY!) pull chunks (yes CHUNKS!) of eyebrow hair out — which takes about 10 minutes.

per eye.

now THAT is pain.

just so you can visualize how this went down, i want you to understand that i got this done in the mall.

at a kiosk.

near the food court.

and strangers apparently came over to watch.

and it hurt so bad that i had to push the lady away while she was doing it because i thought i was going to throw up.

my friend even told me that THIS is how the military gets confessions. screw waterboarding.

when i finally got to look in the purple handheld mirrorat the kiosk, i did smile.

it was, after all, in the name of beauty. and i AM trying to find a husband. (kiiiddding.)

you see, threading results in a more perfect eyebrow than waxing, because the umm, “threader” can arch the eyebrows more meticulously. although, im not sure why. my eyes were kind of closed during the whole process.

the result for my face was near perfection. (although some said the brows were a little on the thin side).

bottom line: would i do it again sober? no. would i do this again with a pre-threading glass of wine? duh.