medium – Page 32 – The only certainty is bad grammar

things I’d do with money.

Published: October 29, 2009 / Updated: October 29, 2009 Crystal humor, journalism, medium

I’m 2,469 miles over due for an oil change.

My car mirror is being held on with packaging tape.

None of my clothes (bras) fit. I don’t even care that you think it’s annoying that the girl who lost weight is complaining about clothes not fitting because I’ll tell you what’s really annoying – MY CLOTHES NOT FITTING!

My blonde hair looks half brown and those roots aren’t just going to just dye themselves.

The insoles of my gym shoes are half gone. And I still walk four miles a day in them.

I’ve got $148 left to pay off on my gall bladder surgery.

My weekly tithe has dropped to an embarrassing $15 a week.

I’ve been wearing my two-week contacts for the last seven-to-ten weeks.

– “How to become a millionaire. Step 1: Get a million dollars.”

God broke the Internet

Published: October 24, 2009 / Updated: October 24, 2009 Crystal feminism?, god, humor, medium

I’m pretty sure God broke the Internet today at my job.

Don’t tell my co-worker because she’d totally be p*ssed if she knew that’s what happened. I mean it f*ed up our day craptastically.

But, see, well, I was going to go to lunch the stupidest of stupid guys. A guy so stupid he doesn’t even deserve for me to mention him on my super amazing blog.

But God broke the Internet at my regular office, so I had to go work somewhere else and couldn’t meet him for said lunch.

The Big Guy was looking out.

See, I was doing so good on my own.

Like, not-texting-him, not-calling-him, not-even-thinking-about-him-during-most-of-the-sad-songs-on-the-country-radio-stations good.

But then I had this dream that I was searching and searching for him, and all I could get was a glimpse and well.

Ya.

It’s the kind of dream where you fall asleep thinking maybe your thoughts have finally found a peaceful place, and a couple hours later you wake up with a broken soul aching to see him.

I tried to fight it. I walked four miles. I thought happy thoughts. I even switched the radio every time a sad song came on.

But that kind of soul aching lingers. And it spreads. And before I knew it I couldn’t take it anymore and I sent him a text.

I knew he’d reply. He always replies. That’s why the only way this whole awful thing between us will ever die is if I do it myself.

But I can’t do it myself. I need help.

Tons.

So God went ahead and broke the Internet to lend a hand.

I guess he knew it’d be just what I needed to make it to the other side of today with a glimmer of hope that I can move past this.

Ohmyfreakingfrick! PLEASE STOP RAINING!

October 22, 2009 Crystal humor, medium

Ok. I know. We had that wonderful lovely day of gorgeous sunshine and smiles and butterflies yesterday.

And I appreciated it. I walked four miles. I took multiple breathes of fresh air. I lolly-gagged in the happiness of it all.

But it’s already raining again!

For real.

It makes me sad.

and sad.

I want to cry because it is so dreary outside that even happy puppies are brought to tears. I think stupid things like “life does suck. I mean, how could I ever be happy when it’s so GRAY outside? HOW???!!!!” And I don’t know how anyone, anywhere manages to keep the bottoms of their pants dry with all this freaking water.

Also, it makes me paranoid that I will catch swine flu.

That’s how you catch swine flu right? Walking in puddles? Well, anyway, that’s my understanding of the situation.

In conclusion, I’m officially submitting my vote for sunny skies tomorrow. And since I live in Chicagoland, I’d like to vote early and often.

Also, does anyone know a weatherperson I can bribe. Because I have $100 $10 $1 with Tom Skilling’s name on it.