medium – Page 57 – The only certainty is bad grammar

frick. the irs knows more about me than ME.

Published: February 26, 2009 / Updated: February 26, 2009 Crystal humor, medium

i almost just failed a quiz about myself.

the irs was all, we just need you to answer a few questions before we can give you your adjusted gross income.

me: ok

nice man from the IRS: what’s your social. (this one i answer with ease).

nice man again: what’s your address?

me: my current one? or the one i filed from last year?

man: give me both and we’ll see.

i give him both. but it’s neither.

me: hmm. well, i lived in Naperville for like a month, is it the one in Naperville?

nice man: yes. what’s that address?

i give it to him. but i cannot for the life of me remember the apartment number or zip code.

nice man now laughing at me: it’s ok. i can ask another question. what form did you file last year?

me: crap. i KNEW you were going to ask me that. i don’t know. the one turbo tax told me to file?

man: well. ok. it’s all right. you don’t have to get every question right.

me: i haven’t got ANY question right.

man: ok. ok. where did you work in 2007?

me: hmm. i worked in two places. i worked for gannett. and umm. the capital journal. who owned the capital journal? i cannot remember. FRICK!

man from the irs now taking pity on me: it’s ok. it’s ok. the gannett answer will do. here’s your agi.

and that’s when i realized that the government is wasting WAY too much time keeping tabs on me.

yes. i am aware that this contradicts everything my blog url stands for.

Published: February 25, 2009 / Updated: February 25, 2009 Crystal humor, medium

ok. don’t freak out or anything. but, well, i kinda gave up taco bell for lent.

like, really, really gave it up. as in, i wrote it on the purple piece of paper included in my church bulletin and then folded it up and put it on the offering plate.

that means, if i don’t do it. JESUS will know.

JESUS!

so i really, really HAVE to do it. don’t get me wrong, i went back and forth about it in my head for a hot minute before I finalized anything. i was all “well, Jesus did DIE for me. the least i can do is give up tacos.” and then “hmm. but i LOVE taco bell. i eat it like three times a week. what the heck will i eat instead? cereal?” and then “but i guess I don’t love it more than JESUS.”

so i wrote it down.

and folded it up.

and took it up to the offering plate, got my ashes on my forehead and made it official.

all this is an effort to let you know that a. i’d really you rather not eat taco bell in my presence until Easter, because this is going to be super hard. and b. i might be a little cranky for the next 40 days.

im pretty sure this is mis-directed anger. but STILL

Published: February 24, 2009 / Updated: February 26, 2009 Crystal humor, medium

stupid, fudging IRS! I mean holy heck people. is it SO hard to give me last year’s AIG AGI so i can freaking file my taxes? that’s all i need! just one little itsiby number.

ok. ok. i shouldn’t have lost last year’s return. i should have kept it in a fire proof box or something. but i didn’t. i lost it. it’s gone. we all need to just MOVE ON. and tell me my adjusted gross income.

shouldn’t be too big of a deal, seeing as how there is a convenient 800-number im told you set up so i could call during normal business hours to get that information. op. nope. nevermind.because THAT number was too busy to even put me on hold. no. no. no. instead they just hung up on me. that’s right. THE IRS AUTOMATED ANSWERING SERVICE HUNG UP ON ME! what? what? what?

i would have waited uncle sam. i swear. i don’t have to work for like three hours, and im just sitting here online. one measly step away from filing my taxes and getting my refund. but NO. you couldn’t even give me the option of waiting. nope. you were all snippy with your “due to the high volume of calls, we recommend you call back during the next business day. good-bye.”

well screw you irs. screw you.

and while we’re on the subject. screw you wisconsin department of revenue as well because YOU won’t let me efile AT ALL. it is 2009 WISCONSIN! get on board for crist’s sake. get. on. board.

here. i’ll help. internet meet wisconsin. wisconsin meeting internet.

there. now we can all be friends.