medium – Page 63 – The only certainty is bad grammar

reflections on chruch

December 1, 2008 Crystal humor, medium, random thoughts

1. I do not understand what the proper etiquette is for the bulletin the ushers give out. (for you heathens out there, the bulletin is what they hand you when you walk in. it has a list of the songs and verses for the day’s service as well as church announcements, such as (but not limited to): upcoming bake sales, christmas pageants and requests for tube socks and non-electric can openers). PEOPLE! it has the WORD OF GOD written all over the freaking thing. how the heck am I supposed to throw that away? I have determined that it would be COMPLETELY unacceptable to throw it away AT church (seeing as how nobody else seems to ever do this), but I also HATE bringing it home, because i end up feeling guilty about throwing it away there too. then i keep it for like three months before i finally break down and recycle it.

2. during the meet and greet portion in the beginning of service i have this unjustified fear that i will forget that i already shook someone’s hand, then shake their hand again and they they’ll be offended that i forgot about them in under two seconds.

3. i’ve been getting really into church lately, and it’s not like this is a out-of-nowhere thing. i was raised christian and all. but im secretly worried that after Christmas the high will wear off. will church still be fun after they take down the 12-foot tree near the alter? is that when i should start counting down the days till easter?

4. i wish i could sing. if i could sing i’d TOTALLY be in the freaking choir. sometimes i wonder if i can fake it long enough to join because christians don’t usually reject people, but i know in my heart that i’d never get through hymn number 2042.

5. tithing is HARD. i mean HARD. i’ve decided 8 percent of my income after taxes is the best i can do for now. (note to God: i would like to point out that i do volunteer for stuff, so i figure that makes up the extra 2 percent).

6. during children’s time at church last week, the pastor explained that jesus lives in our heart. on child (and possible future surgeon) said ‘if we get an x-ray machine, can we see him then?’ sounded like a valid question to me.

7. i don’t want my list to have six things on it because that’s the devils number.

random thoughts (Thanksgiving edition)

November 28, 2008 Crystal anti-meat, medium, random thoughts

Things I’m thankful for:

1. ultrasounds. seriously, how the heck would the doctors have known about my gallstones had they not been able to use the magical device that lets them see INSIDE me?

2. cheap gas prices. enough said.

3. my family’s love of mario kart. we all just sit around and play it on my mom’s supa big tv. and then we talk smack. and then i beat my brother steve because I’m awesome. and for once, from age 9 to 25, we all have something in common.

4. tofurky. have you TRIED this stuff? I can’t find any place near my house that sells it, but woodman’s in rockford sells it, so I bought $50 worth last night. true story. expect my breath to smell lake fake turkey for the next month or so.

5. having a job that coordinates with my major. YES, i get STA-RESSED (that’s stressed) at work. but at the end of the day, at least I’m not asking people if they want fries with that. or worse, if they’d like another press release (that’s a jab at pr people, for those who didn’t notice) (i kid because I’m jealous of how much pr people make).

6. match.com. i joined because my roommate wrote a REALLY nice testimonial about me, and then people sent me e-mail that match.com assured me were from THE ONE, so I paid $35 for a month of service and read the e-mails. and for now all I’m going to say is that things are going well. (we’ll talk more about this later).

7. attached garage. which i have. and which allows me to avoid the age-old midwestern task of scrapping off my car in the morning.

8. football. because i can call my dad during the game and tell him I love hester and gould and he repliys that he loves them too (except when the packers kick their butts) (then we just cry together).

9. my church. finding a church is hard. finding a church that says the “Our Father,” has open communion and stained glass windows, and supplies me with apple pie occasionally is harder. i’ve found one. and i really like it.

10. blogs.

frick im tired.

Published: November 14, 2008 / Updated: November 16, 2008 Crystal humor, medium, sh*tty things that happen to me

so you’re proably all ‘where the heck have you been GIRL?!’

im sorry I haven’t been posting. The problem is, when I go to post, I get frustrated that I haven’t quite designed this blog yet. But I’m always too tired to figure out how to do it, so instead of even logging in, i just give up.

anyway, here I am. The blog is still design free (aside from the purple and pink thing I figured out at the top), but I’ve given in and decided to post regardless.

for those of you keeping track, i did in fact go to the doctor this week. and it wasn’t the end of the world that i thought it was going to be.

this is how i pictured it going:

me: so. my stomach has been hurting.

the doctor: oh. ya. you’re dying. did nobody tell you that? well, we’ll just try to make you as comfortable as possible.

me: so. my stomach has been hurting.

the doctor: oh. ya. right. sure it has. well you just rest your head here and take this little pill (hands me a flinstone vitamin). there. all better? that’ll be $7,549 dollars. Thanks.

But instead, the doctor let me blab for like a half hour about every. single. detail of my symptoms and then made some thoughtful points. as it stands i have to get an ultrasound on my gallbladder done next week, while i simultaneously take an acid-blocker to fight off possible gastritis.

all of that sounds just fine and dandy. except that if nothing works or turns up anything. well.

then.

oh man.

THEN!!!

then, i have to let some quack put a camera down my throat and into my stomach.

i have been assured that this test hardly hurts and that when I wake up from the half-sleep (called ‘twilglight for which i can only assume are pr purposes) I’ll hardly remember a thing.

umm. HALF-SLEEP. WTF? I don’t want to be HALF asleep when i gag to near death. i want to be out. jebus!

anywho. im hoping I’ll never have to worry my pretty little head about such matters, because im the problem will just fix itself. (see also: crystal’s attitude toward car problems).however, my worries have not yet dwindled. you see, my lovely roommate has told me that if the problem is in fact my gall bladder it might have to be taken out.

threw my belly button.

yes. apparently, THAT’S what that’s there for. so that when I’m 25 the doctor’s can go in and suck out my organs.

sigh.

there you have it. you’re officially updated on my life. did you miss me?