sh*tty things that happen to me – Page 15 – The only certainty is bad grammar

living on aldi, stolen internet and a starbucks gift card

Published: January 28, 2009 / Updated: January 28, 2009 Crystal humor, medium, sh*tty things that happen to me

so remember how 11 days ago i spent my $400 life savings on my super cool new laptop? oh. you forgot? well my bank account sure didn’t. and then, because i love health insurance and all, i also decided to pay them an extra $30 this week so i could get on the cooler plan.

that means, right now, i have $7.23 to last until Friday. and i’ve actually had just $7.23 since Sunday.

actually, on Sunday, I had $32.23, but I felt really guilty at church for even considering not putting something in the offering, so i wrote God a check for $5, and then I spent $20 at Aldi on groceries to get me through the week. ergo, i had $7.23 left.

gosh. when i write that all out, it kind of sounds depressing.

sigh.

anyway, i have a little less than a quarter tank of gas in my car to get me through tomorrow and Friday morning. and back in they day, i would be living on the edge writing checks that won’t be cashed until Friday. but stupid technology sure has ruined a lot of things for people who live on a paycheck, then live on nothing for a week and then live on the next paycheck, because now everyone just debits the stupid check amount out of the account the minute I write the freaking thing.

makes a girl hate innovation. so instead, I’ve been living on cheap shredded cheese rolled into generic tortilla shells mixed with a fork full of corn from the can I made last four days, and slices of grape tomatoes, which were on sale at aldi for 69 cents a pack. no. silly, i don’t eat it cold. gawd. im not THAT poor. instead i heat it up in the microwave. and just to pretend it’s good, i also add left over packets of taco bell mild sauce i have laying around. oh, and don’t be jealous or anything, but i ALSO have a 99 cent bag of cheese puffs and $1.69 row of chocolate chip cookies, which actually taste like cardboard flavored chocolate, but the 24 grams of sugar per cookie makes up for that.

see how i just named the exact price of a bunch of stuff i just bought? that’s because i’m so broke that i literally have to look at every.single.penny i spend. (and, for those interested, you CAN in fact get four rolls of toilet paper for 79 cents at aldi. true story. and it’s doesn’t even chafe or anything).

all of this doesn’t even take into account the fact every day the mailman (or woman) brings me more medical bills. sometimes, i don’t even open them and instead pretend they must be another survey from centegra hospital wondering how i would rate their care on a scale of 1 to 10. (nurse who yelled at me when i was scared of the iv? a 4. nurse who gave me the motion sickness medicine that reactivated my ability to sit up without vomiting? 12.) (and yes, i make my own little circle, label it 12, and then fill it in).

don’t worry though, my aunt sandy gave me a $10 starbucks gift card for christmas (among other things), and I totally spoiled myself by buying a medium mocha and a slice of lemon cake today.

and i still have $4.03 left on it, so tomorrow’s looking pretty good. pret-ty good indeed.

by the way, don’t bother trying to map out your plan of attack to lecture me on better allocating my money, because i really, really, really wanted this laptop, and i ALREADY know i could have probably eaten a little less taco bell last week, and i’d probably be in a little better shape right now. trust me. i already know.

all part of what my roommate calls, his life goal of dominating his humans.

Published: January 27, 2009 / Updated: February 12, 2009 Crystal humor, medium, sh*tty things that happen to me

black jack has devil eyes here. coincidence? i think not.

when i got home from work today, i was STARVING people! so i started boiling water for my box of $1.29 generic deluxe mac and cheese with the cheese packet. and i was expecting to hear the dog freaking out because I WAS HOME AND NOT LETTING HIM OUT OF HIS CAGE THIS INSTANT!!!!!!!

but instead, all i heard was silence. i thought maybe he was just in a deep sleep, and i was actually relieved that i could eat in peace and take him out on MY schedule. but then, because i’m an idiot, i started playing the “worst case scenario” game in my head. it went something like: oh my gosh. what if something happened to him? do you think he’s ok? maybe he got his mouth caught in the cage and he can’t open it enough to yell for help? or maybe he died. CRAP! maybe. he. died.

then i started picturing how i would react if he had died, because I’ve never actually lived with any animals (except, of course, venus the beta. but that fish was dead about 2 hours after i brought it home from wal-mart, so there wasn’t much time for attachment and stuff). i thought i’d probably cry, or at least get a pretty sad. and then my “worst case scenario” game got the best of me and i went upstairs to check on him.

and he was fine.

stupid dog.

and i realized this was all part of his master plan to manipulate me into coming upstairs so he could give me the “I’m the cutest dog in the whole wide world” look and i’d be forced to take him out of his cage. he’s crafty this one i tell you.

so i took him outside and let him pee supa quick seeing as how it was like negative a million out. and then, because im the worst dog mommy ever i put in back in his cage so i could finish cooking dinner and then, you know, EAT said dinner.

holy sadness, did he cry. and it wasn’t even cries of anger, which are easy to justifiably ignore. no. they were cries of complete depression. i mean he was sobbing. and don’t really understand why, seeing as how i GAVE him a fake piece of bacon to go into the cage. what the heck did he want from me?

but the crying got to me, and after i finished my mac and cheese with a side of soy burger, i decided to put on 56 layers and take him for a walk. I hooked him to his retractable leash, grabbed a wal-mart bag for the inevitable gross part, and the out we went.

only about a block down, and three minutes after the gross part (yes, I am at this point, holding a bag of poop) he somehow broke free. and this little black dog can RUN people. and “worst case scenario” game kicked in to turbo mode, and i started freaking out that someone would accidentally hit him with their car. so i started sprinting past garages yelling “BLACK JACK!!!! BLACK JACK!!! COME HERE BOY!!!’ while wildly flailing a bag of poop. only, he didn’t realize this was all VERY DANGEROUS, and instead, thought this whole thing was THE FUNNEST GAME EVER!!!! so he kept running, and then turning back toward me to let me catch up just.a.little and then running some more.

stupid dog.

finally though, i ran fast enough to catch him. ok. i didn’t. im not fast. instead, his leash got caught in the snow i was able to step on it and grab his collar. and i was all, quick. did anyone just see that? no. phew. ok. while simultaneously catching my breath and yelling at him. only he was just galloping through the snow toward our house, like he hadn’t just almost killed himself.

i finally got him inside and realized two things. a. this dog had ALL DAY to plan this, so i shouldn’t be too hard on myself. and b. i need to get those grippy gloves to i don’t lose his leash EVER AGAIN.

in a time of hope, i still manage to worry.

Published: January 21, 2009 / Updated: January 22, 2009 Crystal humor, random thoughts, sh*tty things that happen to me

things that worry me:

1. the sound my phone makes in the middle of the night when i get an email wakes up my roommate down the hall. and she secretly hates me for it.

2. i will go to work tomorrow and be told that my newspaper cannot, in fact, afford to pay me any longer.

3. my car my will break down and because i just spent my $400 life savings on my new laptop, i will be totally screwed.

4. something really bad will happen to our country’s leader.

5. I’ll never have kids.

6. i’ll have kids.

7. the neighbor i steal this internet connection from until my roommate’s router gets fixed will find me and report me to the appropriate internet police.

8. that i chose the wrong career.

9. that the doctor took my gall bladder out, but really i have like an ulcer or something that was causing the pain, and nothing is really fixed.

10. i’ll make a stupid mistake in one of my articles and the world will collapse around me. i.e. that i meant to write shirt, but forgot the r.

11. i’ll never figure out the root of the smell in my car.

12. a really important person, (boss, source, cute guy) will need to sit in my car and then secretly tell everyone that said car smells.

13. that there could be such a thing as “too much taco bell”

14. what if i can never lay on my right side again because my organs shifted after my surgery and everything is messed up.

15. someday i will have to sit through the movie “mall cop”

16. i’ll hit a car when i back out of a parking lot because i can’t see around a humongous suv. (note. this actually happened to me, so it’s not like some crazy random fear people).

17. my inability to spell will finally catch up with me.

18. match.com is so mad at me about dropping my subscription that they’ve started sending two eamils a day. 1. he’s looking at your profile. find out who he is. 2. she’s looking at your profile. find out who she is. Did i give off an unintentional bisexual vibe when i wrote that my turn ons include thunderstorms?

19. this list is too long and nobody will read the whole thing.

20. that i somehow broke the cord that connects my blackberry to my laptop because now it’s super touchy and only kinda works if i press it in to the phone.