I totally saw johnny depp (ish)

So i think people totally underestimate my stalking abilities. seriously.

and that’s a shame, because I’m really good at stalking.

you see, Johnny Depp is kind of filming a major motion picture (do they still call movies that?) at an airport like one mile from my house. ok, maybe two miles. but two miles is still REALLY close. The movie is called “public enemies” and it’s a 1930s-era gangster flick (ya, ‘flick,’ that’s what they call movies now).

Since i’m in love with Johnny (that’s right, we’re on a FIRST-name basis), I figured I should go say hi and all.

Actually, what happened was, I got off work and thought I’d just go by the airport they were rumored to be filiming at and see if anything was going on. and because God DOES love me (hi God!), stuff was totally going on. 

and ya, johnny depp wasn’t there yet, but I had faith.

The first rule of gawking (or as i like to call it, ‘hanging out at a random airport just because’) is to tell EVERYONE you meet that you know someone, who knows someone who knows SOMETHING.

It doesn’t have to be a real ‘something.’ It can be ANYTHING. For example, if you tell someone that you KNOW, with 100-percent certainty, that Johnny Depp only chews peppermint gum, they’ll totally let you use their umbrella.

OR, if you tell someone that Johnny Depp is staying in town, they’ll totally show you the super cool pictures they took with their 14-foot camera lens.

Oh! AND! if you tell someone that you know someone who’s an extra, they’ll give their house. true story. (ish).

I made some quick friends. One, I’m a pretty good at saying things i don’t really know about with an air of authority. Two, everyone was just SO EXCITED about johnny coming, that they didn’t seem to notice that they didn’t actually know me. and Three, i just look like a nice girl.

all this helped me get to the VERY FRONT of the fence we couldn’t cross. 

the second rule of gawking is to bring binoculars. i didn’t know this rule, but a girl in a red coat standing next to me totally did. and since she had just become my new best friend, she totally let me borrow them!

and THEN!


I’m serious.

he. was. there. 

like 50 feet from me. ok, maybe 100 feet, but still closer than he’s ever been to you, so ha!

and yes, he DOES look cute in person. (i can tell because i was peering through the aforementioned binoculars).

After the initial buzz wore off, the 158 of us who had our faces pressed against the chain-links noticed the constant rain. and the fact that we couldn’t feel our toes. and then the stupid cops made us move behind a huge stupid truck.

then we all talked about how we TOTALLY SAW johnny depp.

Then I decided to go home and get some quick dinner. (vegan spaghetti, for those wondering).

and change my clothes. which were soaking wet.

on my way home, i called about 37 people to tell them how awesome i was (duh! i had just seen johnny depp people).

once in my apartment i put on more comfortable shoes, dry jeans, four shirts and grabbed an umbrella so i could head back to the airport. 

Only about 25 people were left standing by the fence when i got back. and it was still raining, but this women said her son was an extra and that johnny was still over at the set. (what’s not to believe?) so i stuck around. 

and I could totally SEE him. (i think.)

eventually filming wrapped (see, i use cool movie lingo) and johnny got in a green escalade. (true fact).

Being the loyal fans that we were, we ran over to where we KNEW his private jet was parked. through the mud and everything. 

but then, the stupid airport people moved johnny’s private jet. i cried a little, but i pulled myself together as i ran with a crowd of people to follow the jet around the parking lot.

I felt a little crazy, but then i noticed that EVERYONE around me was a little bit MORE crazy, so then i felt pretty good about myself.

There were all types of people.

There was the mother/daughter pair who drove down from appleton and knew an extra who provided txt message updates on the filming.

There was the two teenage girls who screamed JOHNNNYYY at the top of their lungs under the belief that if he only HEARD them he would obviously come over and say hi. They were with two teenage boys who figured out how to unlock the security fence (ahh, that’s why God invented teenage boys).

and then, there were the two elementary school teachers who looked normal, but obviously weren’t if they were stalking johnny depp at an airport. at 10:30 p.m. in the rain. with two cameras each.

all of us eventually realized that it’s kind of hard to run after a plane, so we formed a new plan — pretend to be extras. We walked in the extra’s area, (complete with a real-life craft service table) and waited for someone to kick us out.

but nobody did, so we walked in a little further. and a little further. and past the back doors. and then. Damm*t!. a stupid hollywood-ish woman with an iphone kicked us out.

but on the way out, we totally walked right next to Michael Mann (the director (he’s famous) (but not as famous as johnny) (at least not to me))

umm. HELLO!! did you just read that!!!!! I walked RIGHT BY michael mann. true story.

no, real, true story.

and i took a picture with my camera phone. but the picture totally sucks, so im not going to post it.

at this point, johnny depps’ plane took off. and i heard from this girl who knows someone that he was going back to chicago tonight. something about his dad being in town.

and im pretty sure I got pneumonia as a result of being in rain and mud for seven hours straight, but i TOTALLY SAW JOHNYY DEPP, so it was totally worth it.

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  1. I’ve been laughing about this blog all day. You are becoming my favorite columnist.
    Write. That. Book.

  2. But did you see Christian Bale? When will Christian Bale be in town? I will stalk Johnny Depp with you, if you stalk Chistian Bale with me. Actually, I’m willing to stalk Christian Bale alone if you let me crash at your place. But you’d have someone less crazy to hang out with at the airport and in the mud.

  3. You remind me of me when I was eleven. I was just reading an old website I put up back then and it was exactly like this blog.

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