The only certainty is bad grammar – Page 69 – Too personal for the internet.

The most important sales pitch

Published: April 16, 2010 / Updated: April 16, 2010 Crystal god, humor, medium, Wow

I’m a little worried that I’m better at selling Google than I am at selling God.

With Google, I’m all, “OMG! How are you NOT on Google Voice? The product will change your life right this instant and all you have to do is nothing. That’s IT. And then you can screen calls, READ your voice mail. (True story. You can READ your voice mail. How are you doing this yet??), and listen to people leaving you a voice mail WHILE they leave it. It’s just like in the olden days when people had answering machines! Fan-tastic.”

Or, I’m all “Get on Google Documents right now. First, it converts files to things you can actually open on a Mac. Second, it converts anything to a PDF for free. Third, you can let other people make edits on anything. And fourth, you can open your documents anywhere. Even the moon!!”

But when it comes to God, I’m just like “I love him. You should too. The end.”

I think it’s because when I try to sell people on Google, and they say “You’re a stupid idiot head and you suck and I’ll never use it ever, even if it would save the earth from an attack of giant alien mosquitoes who shoot gasoline out of their noses and take all the cute guys.” I can be all, “Your loss.” And go on my merry way.

But when someone responds like that after I tell them about God, I’m all, “Crap. Now you’re going to go to hell. Crap. Crap. Crap. (Heavy, depressing sigh). Are you sure you don’t just want to try going to church? No. Really? Not even with the attacking mosquitoes and stuff? Oh. OK. Well, I’ll ask again tomorrow then I guess.”

Except, well, I usually don’t ask again tomorrow.

The rejection is too much to take, so I end up going on my merry way. But with this, it’s my loss because I really believe that the person won’t be there in heaven with me when I die.

And that sucks.

A lot.

So I need to get better at pitching God.

This blog post is my first step I think.

I’d like to say that it will be followed by a one-on-one invite from me to ask you to come to church, where I’m all, “God is so freaking awesome. How are you not Christian like yesterday? First off, he’s free. Free-er than Google! Second, he helps you with every single problem ever. Third, he loves you. Fourth, he believes in you. Fifth, he comes with some really great music. And Sixth, you can talk to him anywhere! Even in your bedroom, when you’re alone under the covers and scared and panicked and crying and you don’t see a way out. Even there!”

I’d like to say I’d have that conversation with you, but I’m pretty sure that’s not going to happen this week.

I’m scared to ask you. I’m scared you’ll look at me like I’m a stupid idiot head.

But you should know that I pray for you every night.

Every.

Single.

Night.

Also, you should know that my church (The Woodstock First United Methodist Church, 201 W. South St.) is having a faith and praise worship Saturday at 5 p.m. It’s like one hour of your life. That’s it. And I promise you won’t regret it. All you have to do is show up. And if you have any questions, just come up to me and be all, “Hey Crystal, what’s the Saturday-night church thing about?” and we’ll go from there.

And maybe next month I’ll get up the courage to just ask you in person. (That’s another thing I pray for every single night).

A date night

Published: April 12, 2010 / Updated: April 14, 2010 Crystal feminism?, humor, im cool, short, Wow

I went out with a boy last night.

A new boy.

A cute, laughs-at-my-jokes, pays-for-my-slushie, grabs-my-hand-during-the-movie boy.

We went to see “Date Night” because he let me pick and I love Tina Fey like my little brothers used to love Barney.

And it was so fun.

I originally met him at a bar Friday night, so this was our first encounter that involved any sort of day light. Luckily, he was just as hot as I remembered.

After the movie (which both of us laughed at tons, and you should totally go see) we went out for a drink.

And that was fun.

And then, when we were saying good-bye, he was all, “Ya, there’s just one thing.”

And I’m all “OH CRAP! OH CRAP! WHAT IS HE GOING TO TELL ME. HE’S PROBABLY MARRIED! OH CRAP! HE’S TOTALLY MARRIED! OR MAYBE HE LIVES IN FLORIDA AND HE HAS TO LEAVE TOMORROW! OH MY GOSH! THAT WOULD SUCK! OR MAYBE HE’S AN ALIEN! HE’S PROBABLY AN ALIEN! CRAP!

And then he was all, “So, you know how I told you I was 23? Well, I’m actually 21. I don’t know why I told I was 23, but I did, so I wanted to tell you now that I’m actually 21 and I’m sorry.”

And I was all, “THANK GOD THIS MAN IS NOT AN ALIEN.”

And then I was all, “21? I’m 26. Frick. I’m so old. When did I get old? This totally explains his love of slushies. I used to be young. I mean ya, sure, I look 12, but still. I’m actually old. This boy must think I’m so old.”

And then I said, “Well, I don’t care if you don’t care.”

And he said, “Of course I don’t care.”

And then he kissed me.

And, we all lived happily every after. (At lest the next 35 minutes). (It was kind of a long kiss).

A win.

Published: April 8, 2010 / Updated: April 8, 2010 Crystal exercise, humor, im cool, medium, random thoughts

When the crap did it get cold again?

That’s kind of lame.

I was all ready to pack up my winter coat, and burn my mittens, and put a W in the spring-has-sprung column, but no. It’s below freezing and people are talking about the s word – IN APRIL.

Whatever.

Moving on.

I totally won my NCAA March Madness pool at work.

Out of 46 people!

I know nothing about basketball. I barely know how many players are on each team (It’s five right?). But I read this article in Slate and it told me to pick Duke and I did and I won!!!

Like a lot.

I haven’t gotten the money yet because apparently the pool organizer is in Florida (if he’s spending it, I will ~~kill him~~ be very mad), but when I do get the money, I’m going be so much richer.

Seriously.

WOOT-WOOT!

I’ve come close to winning these kinds of things in the past. Like in grad school, I got like second place out of like 40 people (and managed to anger some serious basketball fans). But close doesn’t count in these kinds of things.

Luckily this time was different.

I won it all. YAY!

So ya, also, umm, keeping off the weight is going to be something I struggle with every day of my life for the rest of my life and if I ever get pregnant or something I might have a panic attack from the stress of it all.

I literally weigh myself everyday.

Usually twice.

And if I gain even one pound, I re-access and work-out extra.

It’s been said that the only thing harder than losing weight is keeping it off, and I’m worried as crap that it will all come back in like a week.

The hardest thing is the constant choice I have to make to drink water. I still like soda, but it’s bascially hundreds of hidden little stupid calories in each one, so I have to keep on keeping on with the H2O. And I have to say, “Crystal, it’s OK. Your meal will be OK if you have a water instead of a soda. You will still like it.” to myself each and every time.

It’s only been about two months since I’ve gone from losing to maintaining, and each day that I don’t go over 145 I count as a win.

Today, so far, is a win.