humor – Page 30 – The only certainty is bad grammar

so how long before EVERYONE is a raw vegan?

Published: April 4, 2009 / Updated: April 14, 2009 Crystal humor, medium, Uncategorized, vegan

Because for some reason, my friends love me way more than necessary, I some how convinced a couple of them to go to a raw vegan restaurant in Chicago today with me (despite their typical meat-eating ways).

Don’t fret, i haven’t gone raw myself — it was just the closest vegan restaurant to my friend’s house. We made our way to Cousin’s Incredible Vitality and well, it didn’t suck.

I’ve never been to a vegan-only restaurant so I dived in with an open mind and the glass of warm water the waitress had given me (apparently, aside from avoiding fire, raw vegan also don’t use ice).

And I apologize in advance that the pictures are blurry, but they were taken with my cell phone. Yes, Sandy B., I know you do not approve, but it’s MY blog. so deal with it.

I ordered the sampler platter (pictured above), which included three appetizers:

Mini Flax Pizzas
Luscious Pizzas with almond cheese, marinara, olive tapenade avocado, love and gratitude.

Triple Taco
Mango salsa and refried beans” on three romaine taco shells.

Spinach Delight
Savory creamed spinach, shallots, fresh herbs, sundried tomatoes, and love dehydrated to perfection.

I’ve learned that you can’t go around expecting vegan versions of things to taste like whatever they’re imitating, but I have to say, none of these were even close to what they said they were. Don’t get me wrong, I liked them, but I did not feel like i had eaten pizza, taco and spinach dip at the end of my meal.

The “tacos” had lettuce instead of regular shells, but they also had crap tons of flavor and were probably my favorite thing. However, I should point out that I did appreciate the “love dehydrated to perfection” in the spinach delight.

One of my friend’s orders is pictured above and I think it was the following:

Mediterranean pasta 9
zucchini noodles with choice of marinara or pesto sauce and pine nut parmesan

I’m pretty sure she really, really, really wanted to heat it up in some fashion, but other than that, I think she liked it.

My other friend’s order is pictured above:

Ravioli á la Turka
Cashew ricotta cheese folded into a delicious beet pasta shell smothered in spicy marinara.

He raved about it like there was no tomorrow, but I’m not sure whether he really liked it or whether he was just trying to make feel better about the fact that I had dragged two of my friends to a raw vegan restaurant.

He and I also got dessert, which I really did think was AMAZING, and he at least said was AMAZING, but again I couldn’t be sure if he really liked it or if he was just trying to ease my concerns. Both where cheese-less cheese cakes. Mine chocolate and his chocolate banana.

I have no freaking clue how any of these dishes were made, but I have to say, if I lived within a 15 mile radius of this place, I could see myself eating there on a regular basis.

So, does anyone know of any other good Chicago vegan restaurants?

Feel free to scan though for the more interesting questions

Published: April 4, 2009 / Updated: April 14, 2009 Crystal bears, humor, im cool, long

I’m stressed, and tired and mad about things I’d rather not write about here. So instead, I pulled this survey from some random online site and decided to fill it out for your weekend reading pleasure. Just take it and be happy you have original content to read on a Saturday night while you watch March Madness.

Have you ever licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work?

Hmm. I didn’t realize that was a possible solution to the problems I’ve had with my Paula Abdul CD. But now that I know.

What’s the largest age difference between yourself and someone you’ve dated?

10 years.

Ever been in a car wreck?

“A” car wreck? No. Multiple car wrecks? Yes. But I’d like to point out that nobody has ever been seriously injured in any of the said wrecks.

Were you popular in high school?

Not so much. But there were like 500 kids in my senior class, so even though I wasn’t homecoming queen or anything, I wasn’t unpopular either.

Have you ever been on a blind date?

Does online dating count? Yes? Well then yes.

Are looks important?

I like for the guy to be a minimum of two inches taller than me, but beyond that, I’m usually good.

Do you have any friends that you’ve known for 10 years or more?

Yes. Her name is April C. Eichele. (pronounced i kill.)

By what age would you like to be married?

I’d rather be happy and single then miserable and married by a certain age.

Does the number of people a person’s slept with affect your view of them?

Not one bit.

Have you ever made a mistake?

Where are the people who say no to this question? I want to meet them right this second.

Are you a good tipper?

Yes. I once waitressed and it sucked. If you think a 10 percent tip is good, you suck.

What’s the most you have spent for a haircut?

Counting a dye job and whatnot? $200 ish. Don’t judge. Boys spend WAY more than that on what I would call simply “stupid car things”

Have you ever had a crush on a teacher?

Yes.

Have you ever peed in public?

No.

What song do you want played at your funeral?

Ave Maria, Amazing Grace and something upbeat, like “I like big butts and I cannot lie” just to make sure things don’t get too sad.

Would you tell your parents if you were gay?

Yes. I’m not. But yes, I would. I don’t think they’d care.

What would your last meal be before getting executed?

Taco bell gordita supreme, and a side of Boston Market mac and cheese. (If I was about to die, I give up on the vegan thing.)

Beatles or Stones?

Beatles. Yellow submarine anyone?

If you had to pick one person on earth to die, who?

I know who. He knows who. That’s all I need to say.

Beer, wine or hard liquor?

I enjoy a nice mixed drink, but I’m also a fan of the white wine.

Do you have any phobias?

I’d rather people not touch my ears.

What are your plans for the future?

I used to have plans, but then my industry got cancer and started dying, so now I’m just winging it.

Do you walk around the house naked?

I usually opt for at least some undergarments and a t-shirt.

If you were an animal what would you be?

A dog.

Hair color you like on someone you’re dating?

Brown.

Would you rather be blind or deaf?

Deaf. I like good design too much.

Do you have any special talents?

Some people would argue that I can write.

What do you do as soon as you walk in the house?

Take off my shoes and throw my purse on the kitchen table.

Do you like horror or comedy?

Comedy. I watched that Freddy Kruger movie and an unhealthy age (like 5) and I’ve been screwed up ever since.

Are you missing anyone?

I move too much, so I’m usually missing at least one person at any given moment now.

Where do you want to live when you are old?

Hawaii. Or at least south of Kentucky.

Who is the person you can count on the most?

My mom. She’s my biggest fan and will answer my call no matter what time of day or night.

If you could date any celebrity past or present, who would it be?

Johnny Depp.

What did you dream last night?

I met an attorney yesterday (Friday), then I dreamt I was on trial for something.

What is your favorite sport to watch?

Bears Football (and yes, i’m excited about jay cutler!!!)

Are you named after anyone?

Not that I know of.

What is your favorite alcoholic drink?

Amaretto Stone Sour

Non alcoholic drink?

Coke

Have you ever been in love?

Yes. I still wonder if he was my soul mate. You say crazy, I say, you don’t know what that time with him was like for me.

Do you sing in the shower?

Most days.

Have you ever been arrested?

Not yet.

What is your favorite Holiday?

Fourth of July.

Would you ever get plastic surgery?

After this? No thanks.

just a couple crazy vegan things

Published: March 28, 2009 / Updated: March 28, 2009 Crystal humor, medium, vegan

Lets talk about how people think they can relate to me because sometimes they eat vegetables.

There are some things we need to clear up.

Guys, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but having macaroni and cheese for dinner every Friday night doesn’t make you a sometimes vegetarian. look. I’m GLAD you found a way to sacrifice your love of dead animals for one little meal, but PEOPLE, that does. not. count. the whole point of veganism or vegetarianism is that i make daily, routine, constant decisions to avoid animal products every. single. time. i eat.

every meal. every snack. every drink.

that means, when i eat noodles and marina for dinner, that’s it. im done. i don’t get to go to mcdonald’s a couple hours later or the next morning and reward myself with a big mac. i don’t get to have a glass of milk. i don’t get to go out to dinner and order the chicken.

I get to wake up and make the next meal i eat vegan.

Also, while we’re on the subject, I would like to point out that i do in fact LIKE meat, and cheese, and dairy. that’s kind of the reason this is a sacrifice.

and if I didn’t like meat or cheese or dairy, then i’d have been a vegan for like 25 years by now. so don’t say to me “i’d be vegan, but i just like cheese too much.”

that’s just not how this works.

instead say “i’d be vegan, but i just don’t have as much will power as you do” or “i’d be vegan, but im just not bothered by the animal slaughter industry and don’t see any reason to be” or “i’d be vegan, but i disagree about your belief that humans were never meant to drink milk from another species.”

and just so we’re clear, if you just read that and once said to me “i’d be vegan, but i just like cheese too much” and therefore assume i’m talking about you – im not. im talking about you AND the 73 other people who’ve said the exact. same. thing. to me.

also, please don’t be offended. kind of like, i don’t get offended when you tell me im a crazy vegan.