The only certainty is bad grammar

So ever since i became a vegan, i seriously cannot get enough taco bell hot sauce. im thinking it’s because my taste buds totally changed after i gave up cheese (that really does read like a realistic reason, doesn’t it? probably because it’s TOTALLY plausible).

ok. ok. i don’t ACTUALLY eat the hot sauce. i actually eat the mild sauce. what? i’m from the d*mn mid-west. im SENSITIVE to spicy foods — regardless of my cheese-less diet.

even with my mild-sauce status, i’m feeling pretty proud of myself lately. I can now officially eat like THREE mild sauce packets on ONE burrito. THREE PACKETS PEOPLE!

by this time next week i’ll probably be drinking the stuff straight up. i might even start keeping a random bottle of hot sauce on my desk like my co-worker randomly does. (true story.) (no. really. true story. what? she’s just a HOT girl.)

also, taco bell hot mild sauce is cool because it totally comes with really cool quotes. I’m just going to say it right here, right now — if a guy ever seriously wanted to marry me and he gave me a taco bell hot sauce packet that said “will you marry me?” i would probably totally say yes.

other cool sayings include:

make a wish

Tah Dah!

Ahhh…we meet again.

At night the sporks pick on me

Will you scratch my back?

This space for rent. Inquire within.

SEE how funny the people who write sayings on taco bell hot sauce packets are? shucks, they’re almost as funny me. (almost).

Also, taco bell mild sauce is really cool because it’s totally free and you can store extra packets in the little butter drawer in your fridge if you don’t eat butter. 

the mild sauce totally makes an average home-cooked meal GRRREAT! i.e. home -cooked burrito: eh. BUT! home-cooked burrito with taco bell mild sauce? GRRREAT!

In conclusion: i really, really love taco bell mild sauce. tune in next week for my ode to the seven-layer burrito.*

*note: this ode to the seven-layer burrito blog entry may or may not be a real thing.

Bein vegan is hard and because I just don’t want to bring a lunch to work every freaking day of my life, sometimes i like to get fast food.

except the only place i can get anything besides french fries and a coke is Taco Bell.

i usually go with the seven-layer burrito minus the cheese and sour cream.

and yesterday i said into the speaker:

CAN I GET A SEVEN-LAYER BURRITO WITH NO CHEESE AND NO SOUR CREAM?!

and the lady was all:

DO YOU WANT THE GUACAMOLE THEN?

and then i was all:

umm. whhhhhhhy? does that have sour cream in it?

her:

YES.

me:

sh*t. thanks for ruining my life.

NO GUACAMOLE THEN EITHER. THANKS.

her:

ANY HOT, FIRE OR MILD SAUCE?

me:

mild.

and then i pulled around to the window with a tear in my eye.

and no, i’m NOT mad that i’ve been eating the stupid guacamolesourcream for months without knowing its secret life — i’ve already accepted the fact that it’s impossible to be a perfect vegan — but i AM sad that my seven-layer burrito just officially became a four-layer burrito.

sigh. bein vegan is hard.