seriously, vegan food doesn’t suck

holy freaking crap. i just tried veganaise today and it is so d@mn good.

seriously.

it’s mayo for vegans and i had it on toasted organic bread with tofurky and tomatoes. in conclusion, i was pretty much in heaven.

tofurky is so good i can eat it alone.

but add all those other things to it and i can suddenly live without sex. without chocolate. without johnny depp. without money. i can suddenly live without dairy, eggs and meat.

i had only ever tried generic brands of soy turkey and vegan mayo before and let me just say — go name-brand foods!

seriously.

sometimes when i remeber im a vegan i freak out because i think about all the stuff i can’t eat (mozzarella. omelets. m&m’s. kraft cheese and macaroni. cream of broccoli soup) but then, i eat something a.maz.ing like veganaise.

and i think ‘wow! what will they come up with next? vegan snicker’s bars?’

*sigh* if only.

if.

only.  

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bad vegan math

OK, i seriously DO love. it. when people who make vegan food clearly state on the product “vegan.”

but im starting to think that the people who make these food products don’t really understand what vegan is, because a bunch of them are labled “100-percent vegan.”

true story. (note photographic proof above).

i know! right?

because the thing is, food either is vegan or it’s not. so if something is say, oh, FIVE-percent vegan, it would automatically be non-vegan.

saying something is “100-percent vegan,” is like saying someone is “100-percent pregnant.” or that your grandma is “100-percent alive.” 

in conclusion, if any of you guys out there were thinking of starting a vegan-food business — complete with packaging — please. please. please. take this post into consideration when considering your marketing techniques. also, totally call me because im looking for a new job* and i’d so be interested in working for a vegan-food business.

*note to current employer, im about 50-percent kidding on the whole “looking for a new job” thing.

 

 

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an ode to taco bell hot sauce packets (because i have an unhealthy love for them)

hot. hot. hot.

So ever since i became a vegan, i seriously cannot get enough taco bell hot sauce. im thinking it’s because my taste buds totally changed after i gave up cheese (that really does read like a realistic reason, doesn’t it? probably because it’s TOTALLY plausible).

ok. ok. i don’t ACTUALLY eat the hot sauce. i actually eat the mild sauce. what? i’m from the d*mn mid-west. im SENSITIVE to spicy foods — regardless of my cheese-less diet.

even with my mild-sauce status, i’m feeling pretty proud of myself lately. I can now officially eat like THREE mild sauce packets on ONE burrito. THREE PACKETS PEOPLE!

by this time next week i’ll probably be drinking the stuff straight up. i might even start keeping a random bottle of hot sauce on my desk like my co-worker randomly does. (true story.) (no. really. true story. what? she’s just a HOT girl.)

also, taco bell hot mild sauce is cool because it totally comes with really cool quotes. I’m just going to say it right here, right now — if a guy ever seriously wanted to marry me and he gave me a taco bell hot sauce packet that said “will you marry me?” i would probably totally say yes.

other cool sayings include:

make a wish

Tah Dah!

Ahhh…we meet again.

At night the sporks pick on me

Will you scratch my back?

This space for rent. Inquire within.

SEE how funny the people who write sayings on taco bell hot sauce packets are? shucks, they’re almost as funny me. (almost).

Also, taco bell mild sauce is really cool because it’s totally free and you can store extra packets in the little butter drawer in your fridge if you don’t eat butter. 

the mild sauce totally makes an average home-cooked meal GRRREAT! i.e. home -cooked burrito: eh. BUT! home-cooked burrito with taco bell mild sauce? GRRREAT!

In conclusion: i really, really love taco bell mild sauce. tune in next week for my ode to the seven-layer burrito.*

*note: this ode to the seven-layer burrito blog entry may or may not be a real thing.

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