wisconsin – Page 3 – The only certainty is bad grammar

go jesus! it’s your resurection!

March 23, 2008 Crystal medium, wisconsin

im kind of obsessed with my stupid march madness bracket, so when i went out last night, i kept explaining to all the boys i met that i had picked wisconsin to go all the way and that i was pretty sure i was going to win.

and then one boy was like “why did you pick wisconsin?”

i was all “because i LIVE there”

and he was all “oh. ok. i love brett farve”

and then we went to dance and he was trying to be clever and shouted “CHESSE-HEADS!” while raising his hands in the air.

but i thought he said “JES-US!” (it IS easter) and the tootsie-roll remix in the background made it hard to hear him.

and then my bff (who was dancing nearby with a boy who had a super cool iphone) was all “he said cheeseheads!” and i was all “oh! i thought he said jesus!”

so she was all “she thought you said JES-US” to the boy.

and he said “i did! i said cheese-heads” (clearly he couldn’t hear over the tootsie roll remix either).

and then my bff said “NO! JES-US!” and she did the crucifix in exaggerated motion to explain.

and then the boy said “OH! GO JESUS! EA-STER!” and he waved his hands in the air like he just didn’t care.

im thinking the whole thing makes up for the fact that i didn’t go to church today.

if it were obvious, everyone would win

March 22, 2008 Crystal medium, wisconsin

back in the day (like two years ago) i entered a march madness bracket pool with my fellow co-workers. i made my team choices the way everyone does — based on places i either have been to or plan to visit.

i did awesome. (second place out of like 40 employees (true story)). some of the boys in that bracket pool still won’t talk to me. whatever. they have cooties anyways.

ahh! but THIS is a new year! and i entered another bracket. THIS time i made my choices* with a more educated approach. i picked teams based on which school names i liked the best. don’t WORRY , i wasn’t completely stupid about the whole thing — i picked a no. three seed to go all the way. go WISCONSIN!

im pretty confident i’ll be winning. i mean even though my online-bracket thingy told me only 1.8 percent of people chose wisconsin to go all the way, i have good feeling about the beagles. (kid-ding.) badgers. (right?). i think they have what it takes.

so, ya, when you see wisconsin win it all, now you know who to congratulate.

*editor’s note: i tried to link to my choices above, but im not sure if it will work. so, um, good luck with that.

im not from here vs. i don’t live here

March 21, 2008 Crystal long, snow sucks

umm. what the crap? more freaking snow? although the stupid weather people have been right all year, when they said “wisconsin could get 8-15 today (MARCH 21)” i kind of thought they were lying. or playing an early april fool’s joke on me.

they weren’t.

it freaking snowed. a lot. (side note: in pierre, south dakota it was like 70 degrees today. whatever).

because i hate snow, i decided this was a sign from Jesus (it IS his weekend) that i should get out of wisconsin (where i live). i packed up all my stuff and headed to the land o’ lincoln (where I’m from (go bears!)).

except between oshkosh and naperville there was a blizzard. figures.

my bff (who i was on the way to visit) kept telling me that in Illinois they hadn’t really had snow — just rain. of course.

the problem was getting past all the “Real Wisconsin Cheese” signs that clutter the area just before the boarder and into illinois where they have roller coasters (better known as great america).

once i did though, i was super confused. yes, the snow turned to a more manageable sleet/ice mixture 3 min after i crossed the boarder, but the stupid 17-lane highways were kind of hard to navigate (even WITH the help of my vznavigator). they had all these ‘express’ lanes. and the ‘express’ lanes just screem ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’ so i did. but they lock you into your decision with a concrete barrier for like 175 miles (ish). and i had no freaking clue when my exits where. so the entire time i was in the stupid express lanes i was gripping my steering wheel praying while i scanned the sleet-covered exit signs 4 lanes over.

it was freaking confusing. and even when i was in said lanes i wasn’t ‘express’ (sorry guy behind me in the green suv.)

im hoping the other drivers cut me some slack since i had license plates from south dakota (where i neither liver nor am from).

and because i was mad about the express lanes i went through an ipass lane even though i don’t have ipass. twice.

that’ll teach you to build express lanes illinois governor rod r. blagojevich.

after i got out of my long-term relationship with the express lanes, i got distracted by the 552 billboards along the Ronald Regan memorial highway.

uu. lasik! ooo. steve harvey! uu macy’s! ahhh. for sale by owner!

crap. ‘focus on the road!’ i told myself.

but look! an ad for a lexis! i want one. now.

i eventually turned my distraction inward to my radio and made it safely to naperville. but my 2-and-a-half hour drive took me four hours. i have no idea why.