a couple “healthy” foods the cool vegan kids disapprove of. (see: diet pop, tofurky)

because it has everything to do with nothing, first we need to talk about how i am awake at 5 a.m.

ya. i just threw up in my mouth a little bit because im so tired.

see, i agreed to work the early morning shift at work, so i have to be there at 6 a.m. and because i underestimated how quickly i could get ready while falling asleep in the shower, i accidentally woke up at 4:30 a.m. and now have a half hour to kill before i go in.

the upside is, you get an unexpected blog entry from me. the downside is im 87 percent sure my screeching alarm clock woke up my roommate, seeing as how it may or may not have taken me about an hour to figure out how to turn it off before i eventually gave up and just unplugged the thing.

so ya, i love coke. the soda, not the white stuff. i love it like dogs love toilet water. i could slurp it up all day long, and just my luck, it’s one of those “technically” vegan foods that’s not only unhealthy for every part of your body, but also isn’t made from any animals.

people, i have TRIED with all of my heart and soul (fine. HALF my heart and soul) to give this delicious concoction up. but alas, it always calls to me like it’s sweet, sweet nectar.

well-meaning folk far and near have suggested i try diet soda instead. but aside from the fact that it taste like crap, i’ve read tons of research about how the stuff they use to give it that awful after taste to make it sweet like regular pop causes CANCER.

i KNOW! right? how could i drink something that could give me CANCER?!! vegans are not cool with such things.

and therein lies the problem. see, i want to give up regular pop, but because i know too much about the negative effects of diet pop that means a cold turkey swap for water or juice. and don’t get me wrong, i like both. but that’s like switching from from all flip-flops to all ugg boots. it sucks.

so instead, i just keep drinking pop.

also, i love tofurky. but every respectable vegan i meet tells me that it’s “too processed.” umm HELLO, who gives a frick? it’s delicious people. DE.LICIOUS. and it’s says “vegan” right there on the package. and i could live on tofurky sandwiches with sliced tomato and a nice cold pop.

so i’d appreciate it if you all stop giving me smug looks now. i would also like to take this opportunity to point out that i don’t eat the following foods: meat, fish, eggs, milk, and cheese.

give a girl a break, will ya? what’s that? you say it could give me cancer? frick.

well, im off to work now folks, where i most likely will have two cokes (non-diet) and then come home to a nice toasted tofurky sandwich. don’t judge.

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  1. I guess I am fortunate in that my parents never bought soda for the house when I was growing up; soda was only for when we were eating out or special occasions. For that reason, I am not really into it and do not feel the need to drink it.

    I don’t know, maybe you should invest in one of those neat $20 iced tea makers from WalMart and have a go at that. I have one, super easy to make.

  2. I think living with BlackJack has done wonders for the metaphors in your writing. Love soda like dogs love toilet water. You should have seen the look on BlackJack’s face the first time he discovered there was WATER in the toilet. Glee. Pure glee.

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