anti-meat – Page 11 – The only certainty is bad grammar

d@mn you taco bell. d@mn you.

April 17, 2008 Crystal anti-meat, medium

Bein vegan is hard and because I just don’t want to bring a lunch to work every freaking day of my life, sometimes i like to get fast food.

except the only place i can get anything besides french fries and a coke is Taco Bell.

i usually go with the seven-layer burrito minus the cheese and sour cream.

and yesterday i said into the speaker:

CAN I GET A SEVEN-LAYER BURRITO WITH NO CHEESE AND NO SOUR CREAM?!

and the lady was all:

DO YOU WANT THE GUACAMOLE THEN?

and then i was all:

umm. whhhhhhhy? does that have sour cream in it?

her:

YES.

me:

sh*t. thanks for ruining my life.

NO GUACAMOLE THEN EITHER. THANKS.

her:

ANY HOT, FIRE OR MILD SAUCE?

me:

mild.

and then i pulled around to the window with a tear in my eye.

and no, i’m NOT mad that i’ve been eating the stupid guacamolesourcream for months without knowing its secret life — i’ve already accepted the fact that it’s impossible to be a perfect vegan — but i AM sad that my seven-layer burrito just officially became a four-layer burrito.

sigh. bein vegan is hard.

vegan motzerella sucks

April 12, 2008 Crystal anti-meat, medium

well, I guess it’s official. I’ll never eat cheese pizza again for the rest of my stupid lame vegan life.

I bought some vegan ‘motzerella’ cheese and some vegan pizza crust and some vegan pizza sauce (although, I’m not sure there’s such a thing as non-vegan pizza sauce, but whatever) and i mixed it all together, put it in the oven at 450 degrees for 10 min and waited.

but the cheese “cheese” didn’t melt. at. all. and it kind of just looked like pieces of white plastic on top of the pizza. and i did bring my self to take one bite. but then that bite was AWFUL, so i threw the entire thing in the garbage.

and ate a humus sandwich with tomatoes on organic bread. with organic pretzels. and water.

maybe i’ll get to eat some cheese pizza in heaven. or my next life — depending on which religion turns out to be right.

why i hate social eating (and by extension America)

April 3, 2008 Crystal anti-meat, medium

so we had this thing called a “griller” at work today. for all you normal people out there, “griller” actually means “cook-out.” Although, i guess this wasn’t “out” because it was like 32 degrees “out”side, and we had to have it in an old warehouse.

i know. fun. times.

well, all freaking week everyone at work was all “DON’T WORRY! we got YOU special vegan burgers for our griller!”

and i was all “yay.” only i wasn’t being sarcastic. i REALLY was excited about this stupid vegan burger.

but THEN! ohhhhh. snap.

i got downstairs and all the vegan burgers were taken. and when i found that there were no vegan burgers left, i cried on the inside. (and shed a tear on the outside).

AND! seeing as how I’m the only vegan and one of like three vegetarians at my job, im pretty sure MINE was taken by a stupid meat-eater.

a very stupid meat-eater. and whoever it was, i now hate them. seriously. hate.

and THEN! i accidentally ate some damn powdered cheese on a potato chip. although, i’m told that said “powdered cheese” is so far from real cheese that it doesn’t count.

to top everything off, some stupid meat-eater was all “oh, you can’t eat anything? don’t you think it would be healthier to have a piece of chicken instead of that pepsi you’re drinking?”

hey idiot! i WAS going to be healthy with a vegan burger, until some stupid meat eater like yourself ATE it!

BTW, i killed that guy. (true story.)