medium – Page 65 – The only certainty is bad grammar

missing, missing cheese

October 16, 2008 Crystal anti-meat, humor, medium

Here i am, about two/three months post-vegan and I’m wondering if I made a mistake going back to cheese pizza.

seeing as how I LOVE the stuff, I thought I was oh-so-obviously making the right decision to switch from being to vegan to being a plain old regular vegetarian last summer.

but I think I’ve gained a pretty solid 10 pounds. And I do not, under any circumstances, want to have time to work out. i don’t want to waste my precious sleep time on a treadmill. plus winter is coming so all my stupid work out options are indoor. and also, i do not want to waste ANY of my precious money on a stupid gym membership.

but then i remember that i LOVE dairy and i think that being vegan to control my weight would suck.

so what’s a girl to do?

The other problem is that when i was vegan I kind of lived on tofurky, veganmayo and tomato sandwiches. and as far as I can tell the closest store to my house that sells tofurky is about 45 minutes away. granted that’s close by chicagoland standards. but i just don’t want to drive that far every time in i have need a tofurky fix.

Also, back when I was a crazy vegan, everyone thought i was. well. crazy. they would always talk about what a fool i was for avoiding dairy. and that kind of thing can get under your skin after about 573(ish) people say to your face “you’re an idiot.”

sigh.

if only there was a magical pill i could take so I could always weigh ten pounds less that whatever I currently weigh at any given moment. then, and only then, would I be happy.

[polldaddy poll=1007119]

the twins are causing some problems

September 27, 2008 Crystal feminism?, humor, medium, sh*tty things that happen to me

me, the bride, and carefully held flowers.

so last weekend i was in a wedding and the bridesmaids got to wear these lovely halter top dresses.

except my boobs (is there a more tactful word i should be using here?) were not having it.

seriously people. they were POPPING out of the d*mn dress.

and the bride’s mom had to get all up in there to pin my bra to the sheer material. and when she was done, the nice southern woman said “don’t sneeze honey, or pins are going to come popping out.”

and i covered my chest with flowers in EVERY SINGLE PICTURE because I was this.close to coming undone and i didn’t want to risk it (see above).

and a number of guys at the wedding came up to me to tell me how great i looked. but no, they were not complimenting my eyes.

and some of the other bridesmaids said they were kinda jealous of my chest. but i know it was all lies. because who the heck would WISH for that kind of thing?

and while we’re on the subject, i swear to you people that my left boob (again, sounds weird) is bigger than my right. and i cannot find ANY bras that fit. and so the left side of all my bras always ends up breaking first.

this is a REAL problem people.

and many a good bra has been ruined by this.

im thinking of just switching to sports bras and calling it a day.

how do i write about fresh love without jinxing it?

September 22, 2008 Crystal humor, medium

so i recently went to a party, and i met this guy. and he was awesome.

and we went for a walk and thought nobody would notice we were missing because the only person each of us saw in the room was the other.

and when we got back EVERYONE had noticed we were missing, but neither of us cared. and my friends (ish) were all “what the heck did you guys talk about?” and I was all “i don’t really know. it was just a perfect walk.”

and he read my blog and thought i was funny and then he turned on the history channel to fall asleep without even knowing that the history channel is my FAVORITE thing to fall asleep too.

and then i couldn’t stop smiling.

and i just want to write about it because i never want to forget that during the last week of Sept., 2008 i was really happy. and because sometimes i forget that within 24 hours you can meet someone who can change your whole perspective on life. and because he’s consumed my thoughts lately so it’d be hard for me to write about anything else.

and ya’ll should be honored that i’m sharing this with you because i haven’t told anyone about it except my mom and my wisconsin-based friend mandy, because i don’t want to jinx things and I figure my mom doesn’t count and neither do out-of-state friends.

and it might turn into nothing. or it might turn into something.

but im pulling for something.