The only certainty is bad grammar – Page 133 – Too personal for the internet.

a fit of creativity/ starbucks sucks and tricks people

Published: February 28, 2009 / Updated: March 1, 2009 Crystal Uncategorized

so you know that image you all have in your heads about writers getting fits of creativity while sipping a mocha at a Starbucks? Well get rid of it. Because it is all just one big crap propaganda campaign.

That’s right! Starbucks doesn’t have free internet. I know. SHOCKING.

See what happened was, I lugged my little laptop to the local chain coffee store this afternoon (as I clearly said i would do on my twitter), ordered a raspberry mocha and a slice of lemon cake and was all, “you guys have free internet here right?” thinking, that’s such a silly question. of course starbucks, the coffee shop of all coffee shops, has free internet.

but no. it was NOT a stupid question. and the lady at the stupid counter totally tricked me by being all “umm, i’ll explain in a second. right. after. i. run. your. card. though. :: pause. :: there. ok. ya. we are a T-Mobile hot spot, or you can pay for a day pass.”

and i was all “im sorry. a T-Mobile what? what is this T-mobile. i know of no people who use them for their cell phone accounts, so surely you must be talking some secret language.”

and she was all “Huh? umm. ya. you have to have a T-Mobile account to sign on. or you could use a starbucks gift card for two free hours, or you could pay for a day pass.”

“how much is a day pass?”

random guy making coffee next to tricky lady: “it’s like $10. it’s not a fun time”

I’m not making that up. the man actually said “it’s not a fun time” in regards to paying $10 for something. don’t worry. i have made a mental note to use the phrase more to describe crappy situations. i.e. “I’ve given up taco bell for lent. it’s not a fun time.” or “i have to get an oil change. it’s not a fun time.” i foresee many uses.

anyway, the same man then explains to me that i can put money on a starbucks gift card, register it online, pay for coffee with it and then get on the internet.

umm. dude. first of all, I CANNOT GET ONLINE! THAT IS THE D*MN PROBLEM BUDDY!!! HAVE YOU NOT BEEN PAYING ATTENTION? HOW THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO REGISTER THE CARD?! and second of all I ALREADY PAID FOR COFFEE. IDIOT.

sigh.

so they tell me i can walk down to the local diner and get online free there.

except that when i get there the waitress is all “hmm. i do not know anything about computers. and i do not know the password for our restaurant’s wifi, so i cannot help you get online.”

again. not making this up. it is 2009. and a women told me she does not know anything about computers. in 2009! sigh.

i ask if there is anyone, in the WHOLE restaurant, who might know the password. she says no. and that right there, my friends, is how that diner lost my business.

so i lug my stupid laptop and my stupid starbucks coffee to my car and head over the local library. which is of course, where i currently am.

using the internet. the internet that runs slower than the sludge that is day-old coffee. the internet that i can perfectly well steal from my neighbors at home. but no. i wanted to go to the stupid local starbucks and have a fit of creativity.

frick. the irs knows more about me than ME.

Published: February 26, 2009 / Updated: February 26, 2009 Crystal humor, medium

i almost just failed a quiz about myself.

the irs was all, we just need you to answer a few questions before we can give you your adjusted gross income.

me: ok

nice man from the IRS: what’s your social. (this one i answer with ease).

nice man again: what’s your address?

me: my current one? or the one i filed from last year?

man: give me both and we’ll see.

i give him both. but it’s neither.

me: hmm. well, i lived in Naperville for like a month, is it the one in Naperville?

nice man: yes. what’s that address?

i give it to him. but i cannot for the life of me remember the apartment number or zip code.

nice man now laughing at me: it’s ok. i can ask another question. what form did you file last year?

me: crap. i KNEW you were going to ask me that. i don’t know. the one turbo tax told me to file?

man: well. ok. it’s all right. you don’t have to get every question right.

me: i haven’t got ANY question right.

man: ok. ok. where did you work in 2007?

me: hmm. i worked in two places. i worked for gannett. and umm. the capital journal. who owned the capital journal? i cannot remember. FRICK!

man from the irs now taking pity on me: it’s ok. it’s ok. the gannett answer will do. here’s your agi.

and that’s when i realized that the government is wasting WAY too much time keeping tabs on me.

yes. i am aware that this contradicts everything my blog url stands for.

Published: February 25, 2009 / Updated: February 25, 2009 Crystal humor, medium

ok. don’t freak out or anything. but, well, i kinda gave up taco bell for lent.

like, really, really gave it up. as in, i wrote it on the purple piece of paper included in my church bulletin and then folded it up and put it on the offering plate.

that means, if i don’t do it. JESUS will know.

JESUS!

so i really, really HAVE to do it. don’t get me wrong, i went back and forth about it in my head for a hot minute before I finalized anything. i was all “well, Jesus did DIE for me. the least i can do is give up tacos.” and then “hmm. but i LOVE taco bell. i eat it like three times a week. what the heck will i eat instead? cereal?” and then “but i guess I don’t love it more than JESUS.”

so i wrote it down.

and folded it up.

and took it up to the offering plate, got my ashes on my forehead and made it official.

all this is an effort to let you know that a. i’d really you rather not eat taco bell in my presence until Easter, because this is going to be super hard. and b. i might be a little cranky for the next 40 days.