wal-mart – The only certainty is bad grammar

Bonding with my mom

November 25, 2009 Crystal sh*tty things that happen to me, short

My mom and I walk into Wal-mart, with a ‘holy crap we have to pee’ attitude and bolt to the bathroom.

We rush right past a group of women nearby – why are they just STANDING there, where pee is bursting to come out?

Then, into the bathroom – which seems just a little ickier than the usual public restroom.

And there, to the left.

The urinals.

FRICK!

Holy crap.

We have to leave.

The large group of women -who were in front of the correct bathroom – look at us like we’re crazy and/or stupid.

My mom and I decide to hold it until we can get to the bathrooms by electronics.

holy omg! they put him on a bag!! / the story of my johnny depp bag

August 2, 2009 Crystal humor, im cool, Johnny Depp, medium

the other week i was walking through the halls of a high school and i saw this thing out of the corner of my eye.

and suddenly the world started moving in slow motion.

could it be?

was it him?

no. it couldn’t be.

but yes. yes it was.

it was a PICTURE OF JOHNNY DEPP ON A HANDBAG!

holy.fricking.crap.ola.

holy.

fricking.

crap.

ola.

i started mugging the woman wearing the bag. i stopped to politely tell the girl wearing the bag that i thought it looked nice and then i asked her where she got it.

she got it a wal-mart.

about 38 seconds (ish) later i went to wal-mart.

alas, they were sold out.

but then, this weekend i made my way to a wal-mart in the middle of nowhere land. actually, if you go to nowhere land, and then go west for 45 minutes, that’s where i was.

some people call it geneseo.

and i strolled over into the purse section just to see, and there it was.

you’re asking me if i bought it? really? you have to ask that?

because OF COURSE I FREAKING BOUGHT IT!

and here’s a picture for you. (don’t be jealous):

isn’t that the greatest thing you ever saw in your whole freaking life?

now i just have to decide if i should wear it to work or if that would make me seem, umm crazy. my thought is that the other side is plain black, so when i walk past my bosses’ desk, i’ll just face that out toward them.

just a thought.

have a nice life

Published: May 15, 2009 / Updated: May 15, 2009 Crystal medium

my friend tom loewy has stopped talking to me. which, i suppose kind of means we’re not really friends any more.

it’s been like 2 months. fine. 5 months. what? fine. i haven’t talked to him much since october.

but he’s the kind of friend you just cling to with dear life because you want need him to be part of your existence.

and so, i’ve kept calling him. and texting him. and e-mailing him. and you can bet your bottom dollar that if he had facebook i’d be stalking him there too.

but he doesn’t. that’s not how he rolls. in fact, my understanding is, the whole idea of a cell phone is a pretty new concept for him.

and once in awhile, he’ll answer. or reply. or text back. and that ends up being enough hope to inspire me to call him like five times the next day.

like a crazy person. i mean. well, im pretty sure HE wouldn’t call me a crazy person, because he’s too cool for that. instead, i’d guess he just chalks it up to the fact that’s he’s so awesome. as far as he’s concerned, it only makes logical sense that i would stalk him.

my fried evila was not a crazy person.

she used to work with me at the wal-mart service desk, where we would spend our days getting yelled at by people who wanted their $5.10 back for that pair of shoes they bought a YEAR ago, that no longer fit their five-year-old son.

sigh. those were the days.

and just for fun we used to mix up the things we’d say to people at the end of transactions. like around Easter, I’d be all ‘have a happy holidays” with an s. just to see if anyone noticed. and then in Jan. 2000, she’d say “have a happy millennium.”

we were so cool.

then one day she got it in her head to say “have a nice life” to all the customers. and the thing was, she genuinely meant it. day was WAY too short, she thought. why not wish people a nice life. love, happiness, prosperity, pretty hair. those things take WAY more than a nice day.

only people didn’t get that. they were too jaded and thought she was being sarcastic. and i sh*t you not, she got in trouble over it because customers started complaining to management. which was such crap. and so, she gave up. and we both just went back to “have a nice day”

now im giving up on tom loewy. im not going to be a crazy person anymore. im not going to call him 30 times a day. im not going to call him even one time a day.

im going to let it be.

i just hope he’s out there somewhere having a nice life.