Monthly Archive: January 2010

Half a person

I went to the doctor today.

Weighed in at 147.

1. 4. 7.

I was 198 on Aug 1.

That’d be a solid 51 pounds, yes siree.

My friend April says I lost half a person.

I’ve been working with my doctor all this time, but I’ve only done monthly check-ins with a nurse so I hadn’t actually SEEN her since this summer.

She said I’m her prize patient.

She said she’s going to tell other patients about my success.

She said I could stop if I wanted, but I’m still shooting for the 140-ish mark. Hoping to hit that by the end of February.

Today was a victory all by itself though.

Today, when I stepped on the manual scale — the kind doctors have used since the beginning of time that kind of looks like a mix between a coat rack and a surgical device for giants — for the first time since high school the nurse didn’t have to move to 50-pound marker past 150.

It was surreal.

The doctor was all “congratulations this” and “congratulations that,” but I just kept looking over at the scale.

Staring at it.

I win, I thought.

I. Win.

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I really hate you Windows Vista. I really, really hate you.

First, thank you God in Heaven that it is not MY computer that is messed up.

I mean, that’s what’s really important here. MY computer (aka love of my life, aka lifeline, aka best thing that’s ever happened to me) is just fine. (For now).

Unfortunately, my mom’s is jacked from here to hog heaven.

Straight up, jacked.

As in, it’s been possessed by an Windows demon, sacrificed to the Windows devil and then tossed into the Windows lava lake of endless restart loops.

Short story long, there’s this horrible, annoying awful message that appears when you turn it on to the effect of “Configuring Updates step 3 of 3. Do no turn off your computer.”

But then, after about 83 seconds, it turns itself off.

And then back on.

And the same horrible, annoying, awful message appears.

I wanted to fix it myself so bad.

SO. BAD.

I searched Mr. Google for help. Found out that this is a fairly common problem, and then proceeded to follow every single possible solution process.

I believe that now is the appropriate time to point out exactly what the Windows Vista help site says you should do if the first two options they suggest don’t work (they didn’t):

“Use the Web to ask a question.”

I swear that is what it says.

Lamest. Thing. Ever.

Aside from that crap, also involved in this technology tragedy were: many (failed) F11 attempts, a repair disk creation with Torrent and ISO files (which I didn’t even know were “files” till yesterday), a chat to Windows help in which I was told the problem would be resolved before the end of the chat, a disconnection from Windows chat (literally) 3 minutes later because the Windows chat program (I am not even joking) crashed, a phone call from a Windows technician, another phone call from said Windows technician’s supervisor, AND a lame e-mail response from HP.

Also I cried a few times.

What makes me maddest of all is that it’s the Windows update that is messed the fudge up.

As in.

WINDOWS DID THIS TO ME!

Write that down.

W. I. N. D. O. W. S.

Why have they not been giving out free bags of money as a way to fix this?

Anyway, about 8 a.m. this morning, after trying to let the computer repair itself overnight for 8 straight hours, I gave in and called a computer tech place.

The guy was all “We’ll diagnosis it for $40.” And I was all “What if I give you $40 and you can’t find out what’s wrong with it?” and he said, “That won’t happen.”

I don’t believe him though.

Technology tragedies will give you trust issues.

Plus, when I dropped it off, he was all, “We’ll take as many hours as we need to, to find the problem, and it will only cost $40.”

So then, I was all, “Great, just call me when you diagnosis it and we can decide if we want to pay to have it fixed.”

And then.

Oh snap.

He was all “Well, if we happen to fix it while we’re diagnosing it, we’ll back bill for the technician’s time that he spent fixing it. It’ll probably be about $112.”

“What? Back bill? What?”

“Ya. But we’ll subtract the $40 from that.”

Umm, Mister, that is total crap. If I took my car to a mechanic, and he charged me to diagnosis it, he would never, in a million light years, then try to pull some shady crap like that and randomly back bill me for whatever he felt like back billing me for. That doesn’t even make any freaking sense. Plus, I kind of think that’s illegal.

Normally, I would have grabbed the laptop, stuck it in my passenger seat, and driven down to see my friend Lyndon in New Orleans in hopes that he could fix it for me legit-style.

But I was under the spell of the Vista devil, so I left the stupid thing there with the shady technician.

I swear to the Internet though, if he comes up with some crazy back bill, I’m suing him, grabbing my mom’s computer and reporting the whole mess to the Better Business Bureau.

Also, for the record. Yes. I use Vista. No, I do not plan to go out and buy an Apple instead because of this. I have no money. Apples cost SO MUCH MONEY. Unless of course, you have extra money you’d like to give me. I’ll totally use it buy an Apple. Promise.

No? You don’t? Because the economy sucks, you say?

Well then, instead, I shall just turn off all updates on my computer to avoid the problem happening to me. What could possible go wrong there?

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And the Saints go marching on

Yesterday, my friend Kris was all “Every time you come over and watch football with my mom, you’re all OHMYGOD! YAAAAAAY!!! RUN! RUN! HE’S RUNNING! WOOOHHHHOOO!”

And I was all, “What? Meee? Are you talking about me?? Because I do no such thing.”

And he was all “Uh huh. Sure. Well if you do end up doing that today, do you think you can keep it down so I can get my homework done? Plus, you know the players can’t actually hear you, right?”

And I was all “Of course. No yelling from me sir.”

Then.

Brett Favre threw long with 19 seconds remaining and I was all but prepared to figure out who I hated less, the Colts or the Vikings, as I watched the football sail across the field and Saints’ Tracy Porter…

***

CAUGHT.

THE.

BALL!!!!!

HE CAUGHT THE BALL!! INTERCEPTION! OH MY GOD!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!! WOOOOOOOOHOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY CRAP!!!! HE CAUGHT THE BALL. THE SAINTS ARE STILL IN THIS!! HOLY CRAP! WOOHOOO!

I may have yelled a little.

Best game eva though.

Sorry Kris.

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