anti-meat – Page 5 – The only certainty is bad grammar

say it with me, to-furky

Published: March 13, 2009 / Updated: March 13, 2009 Crystal anti-meat, humor, medium

hot d*mn am I excited!

so, I asked the woman behind the counter at the local health-food store what her thoughts were on Tofurky today. She told me they had a roast in the freezer, but that’s all.

“hmm,” i said. “have you ever considered carrying the tofurky lunch meat?”

and just like that, she marked down the product code from her little book, and took my phone number.

that’s right folks. I shall soon be able to buy my precious tofurky without driving an HOUR away to the closest Whole Foods.

and by soon, i mean Wednesday – or at least that’s what I’m told.

the whole thing has made me seriously consider the possibility of going vegan again.

i mean for cripe’s sake, the store ALREADY carries vegenaise.

got soy milk?

January 5, 2009 Crystal anti-meat, humor

so, i’m trying the whole vegan thing out again.

i know, i know. last time i was all “i MISS CHEESE!!!!!!!!!!”

but i think the five-month break done did me good, because I really feel ready to commit to it this time.

now, if only someone would tell my freaking body that part, because holy crap is it getting mad at me. it’s all “oh snap! you’re not eating dairy? or eggs? that’s crap. hmmm. what can i do to change this? oh. duh. i can make you supa dizzy.”

and at first i was like “I SURRENDER!” and i went to the 7-11 down the block from my office and bought a stouffer’s macaroni and cheese and ate it. but THEN! (after some careful advice from my friend mr. google) i was all “oh ya. well, I’m going to take a vitamin specially formulated for vegans that has iron, and B-12 and vitamin C and folic acid. so take that. stupid body.”

and after one day with the vitamin, my body was all “well played my friend. well. played.” but then it slept on it, and came up with a new plan. “operation: make crystal dizzy anyway”

which seems to be working. and so im going to try to go home and get some sleep and see if that helps and then wake up and take another super-vegan vitamin and re-evaluate.

but before you scream “Crystal. STOP. this CAN’T be healthy.” I want you to know that I talked to my doctor about being vegan, and although I didn’t really metion the whole dizzy thing, she DID say (and I quote) ‘good for you.'” so shut-up about cheese being good for me. it’s not. it’s just not.

random thoughts (Thanksgiving edition)

November 28, 2008 Crystal anti-meat, medium, random thoughts

Things I’m thankful for:

1. ultrasounds. seriously, how the heck would the doctors have known about my gallstones had they not been able to use the magical device that lets them see INSIDE me?

2. cheap gas prices. enough said.

3. my family’s love of mario kart. we all just sit around and play it on my mom’s supa big tv. and then we talk smack. and then i beat my brother steve because I’m awesome. and for once, from age 9 to 25, we all have something in common.

4. tofurky. have you TRIED this stuff? I can’t find any place near my house that sells it, but woodman’s in rockford sells it, so I bought $50 worth last night. true story. expect my breath to smell lake fake turkey for the next month or so.

5. having a job that coordinates with my major. YES, i get STA-RESSED (that’s stressed) at work. but at the end of the day, at least I’m not asking people if they want fries with that. or worse, if they’d like another press release (that’s a jab at pr people, for those who didn’t notice) (i kid because I’m jealous of how much pr people make).

6. match.com. i joined because my roommate wrote a REALLY nice testimonial about me, and then people sent me e-mail that match.com assured me were from THE ONE, so I paid $35 for a month of service and read the e-mails. and for now all I’m going to say is that things are going well. (we’ll talk more about this later).

7. attached garage. which i have. and which allows me to avoid the age-old midwestern task of scrapping off my car in the morning.

8. football. because i can call my dad during the game and tell him I love hester and gould and he repliys that he loves them too (except when the packers kick their butts) (then we just cry together).

9. my church. finding a church is hard. finding a church that says the “Our Father,” has open communion and stained glass windows, and supplies me with apple pie occasionally is harder. i’ve found one. and i really like it.

10. blogs.