humor – Page 80 – The only certainty is bad grammar

random thoughts (please induldge me)

October 29, 2008 Crystal humor, random thoughts

• heck YA, i’m excited that gas prices are going down. We’re on our way back to $1 a gallon baby! secret plan includes stock piling it in my roommate’s garage by disguising it in cans of paint. Will resale when prices sky rocket after election. ergo, pay off student loans.

• I’m addicted to checking my bank account online every day. do you think the people at Harris keep track of how many times I do this? the sad thing is, because of their weird system, I’m not even sure what my “available balance” actually means. or how many of my transactions have actually posted.

• Guess what? I have good news. I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to geico. (where have I heard that before? hmm.) seriously. I did. Progressive wanted to charge me about $230 per month. (yes. you just read “month.”) while geico will charge me a measly (ish) $180 per month. yay. (ish).

• in case you were wondering where all the office rubber bands have gone, I have indeed made a rubber band ball. from scratch. the secret is to start by wrapping a rubber band around another one and building from there:

• Can you people believe that the election is in SIX DAYS!! Holy moley!!!! seriously are you going to vote? who do you think will win? who? who? WHO???!!

• I wish my blackberry didn’t need to alert me every time i have an outgoing e-mail from gmail. seriously mr. blackberry, i sent it. i KNOW it’s out there.

i say a little prayer.

October 27, 2008 Crystal humor, medium

pretty much every night i say a prayer. it usually starts with the normal pleasantries. “hey there God. what’s the good word? oh. ya. duh. you’re Bible thingy. any-who, just wanted to say a prayer…”

after the hello’s (me to him, not him to me (I’m not crazy)) I pray for everyone I can think of. (my immediate family, my extended family, my friends, my enemies, the two dogs in my life and my boss.), I try to think of something I’m thankful for (awesome living arrangement, not getting fired that day, my crackberry, that it didn’t snow that day…).

and then I pray for me.

it usually goes something like this: ‘and seriously God, I really, really want to fall in love,”

is that weird? is it strange that I pray for that kind of thing? that i pray that I’ll find someone I can have children with? and be married to forever?

i pray for it because the concept so alludes me that i feel the only one who’s got ANY control over any of it is God. don’t misunderstand, im not throwing myself at any guy that breathes. im not desperate. im not sitting here waiting for someone to want marry me. I’m not even worried about the fact that so many people assume something must be wrong with me if i’m single.

i just want love. plain. simple. love.

and normally, i’m all, “God knows what he’s doing. God will answer my prayer. Ask and ye shall receive….”

but I’m feeling a little bitter lately because, well, i thought that I had found the answer to my prayers a few weeks ago. i had met THE most amazing guy at a party. and i started to believe in love at first sight. and the only way to describe the moment was as “an answer from God, to me.”

but alas, that’s not the case.

and I KNOW God is all about the working in mysterious ways stuff. but im starting to get a little frustrated. and i HATE when people say, “if it’s meant to be, it’ll be.” because that’s lame. I don’t want to not have kids because God doesn’t want me to for some “MYSTERIOUS” reason. i happen to think i’d be a pretty darn, tootin, good mom. (and for that matter good wife).

so i just wanted to vent to you guys about all this, because it’s not like I can shoot a passive aggressive e-mail to the Almighty. i just have to suck it up and say another prayer.

fly me to the moon

October 21, 2008 Crystal humor, sh*tty things that happen to me, short

so there i am on my daily trip through the taco bell drive through. “la. de. da. hmm. should i get the seven-layer burrito again today? duh. of course i should.”

i shout my order to the woman behind the fuzzy intercom and i pull up to the first window to pay. I’m greeted with a 50-ish woman who looks a little disheveled.

her: “what the heck is that noise? is that your car making that noise?”

me: “well, yes. i think it might me.”

her: “it sounds like a spaceship! you better get that checked out. it might blow up or something.”

me: “ya. i guess. so.”

me in my head: “listen lady, you’re freaking working at taco bell and you’re trying to tell ME to spend my hard earned money on car repairs? seriously? leave me alone. it’s not THAT bad and besides, I totally just got my freaking muffler fixed. imagine what my car sounded like BEFORE!”

the end.

p.s. i’m suddenly a little worried that my car will blow up.