im cool – Page 15 – The only certainty is bad grammar

Tomorrow is Groundhog Day. Tomorrow is Groundhog Day. Tomorrow is Groundhog Day.

February 2, 2010 Crystal exercise, humor, im cool

1. Tomorrow is Groundhog Day, which is kind of a big freaking deal in my town because they filmed the only movie ever made ever about the holiday right here in Woodstock. The groundhog is slated to emerge at about 7 a.m., when I will be sleeping. Don’t fret though, I already made Woodstock Willie a deal involving grasshoppers and berries, so I’m pretty sure we can expect highs in the mid-60s by this time next week.

2. I’m still broke.

3. I need a pair of cross-trainer shoes so I can do Jazzercise again, but I have no money. (See: no.2). And I wanted to get a pair of shoes on clearance or something at Wal-Mart, but the only ones there that didn’t totally suck were $23. And I’m not abouts to spend $23 on some shoes that barely meet the minimum requirement of not sucking. So, just for kicks (pun intended) I went the New Balance store, where the cross trainers fit like little pieces of sunshine. But they were $70, which is more money than I’m living on right now, so I couldn’t buy them. In conclusion, I haven’t done Jazzercise yet since THE SPRAIN. Also, do you want to buy me shoes?

4. Apture is jacked on my site, and sometimes I just want to call someone on a real phone and tell them to come over to my house and fix my internets for free. Is that too much to ask for a free product I use? No. Not it is no. For some reason, Apture, (the program that gives readers pop-out windows when they hover over my links) got rid of the external embed system I was using, and now I can’t figure out how to fix the internal embed system, which I now HAVE to use, and I’m too tired to work it out. In the meantime, you will need to just click on things if you want to see what I linked to.

5. RE: Half a person, now, with Art! I know I already posted this “before” picture of me, but I have a new “after” picture, and when I look at it on my computer I have to keep reminding myself that it’s um, ME! So I was like, screw it, it’s MY blog, and I can post a new set of before and after pictures any freaking time I want. Am I right?

So here you go:

One more time, before: June, 2009

weightcrystal

After (new and improved): Jan. 31, 2010

Half a person

Published: January 29, 2010 / Updated: January 29, 2010 Crystal exercise, feminism?, humor, im cool, medium

I went to the doctor today.

Weighed in at 147.

1. 4. 7.

I was 198 on Aug 1.

That’d be a solid 51 pounds, yes siree.

My friend April says I lost half a person.

I’ve been working with my doctor all this time, but I’ve only done monthly check-ins with a nurse so I hadn’t actually SEEN her since this summer.

She said I’m her prize patient.

She said she’s going to tell other patients about my success.

She said I could stop if I wanted, but I’m still shooting for the 140-ish mark. Hoping to hit that by the end of February.

Today was a victory all by itself though.

Today, when I stepped on the manual scale — the kind doctors have used since the beginning of time that kind of looks like a mix between a coat rack and a surgical device for giants — for the first time since high school the nurse didn’t have to move to 50-pound marker past 150.

It was surreal.

The doctor was all “congratulations this” and “congratulations that,” but I just kept looking over at the scale.

Staring at it.

I win, I thought.

I. Win.

And the Saints go marching on

Published: January 25, 2010 / Updated: January 25, 2010 Crystal bears, feminism?, humor, im cool

Yesterday, my friend Kris was all “Every time you come over and watch football with my mom, you’re all OHMYGOD! YAAAAAAY!!! RUN! RUN! HE’S RUNNING! WOOOHHHHOOO!”

And I was all, “What? Meee? Are you talking about me?? Because I do no such thing.”

And he was all “Uh huh. Sure. Well if you do end up doing that today, do you think you can keep it down so I can get my homework done? Plus, you know the players can’t actually hear you, right?”

And I was all “Of course. No yelling from me sir.”

Then.

Brett Favre threw long with 19 seconds remaining and I was all but prepared to figure out who I hated less, the Colts or the Vikings, as I watched the football sail across the field and Saints’ Tracy Porter…

***

CAUGHT.

THE.

BALL!!!!!

HE CAUGHT THE BALL!! INTERCEPTION! OH MY GOD!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!! WOOOOOOOOHOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY CRAP!!!! HE CAUGHT THE BALL. THE SAINTS ARE STILL IN THIS!! HOLY CRAP! WOOHOOO!

I may have yelled a little.

Best game eva though.

Sorry Kris.