My Jesus stamp.

Saturday night, I made a last-minute decision to go out.

And by last-minute, I mean an old friend had invited me to go out on Saturday night like last week, but he’s notorious for breaking plans, so I didn’t think he’d actually follow through, and then when he did, I was all “Umm, Ok. I guess I can meet up with you.”

But it ended up being mid-night by the time I got to the club and I had to be to church by 9 a.m., so this was kind of a stupid decision.

Some people were like, “just skip church” but youth group leaders can never “just skip church.” So I hunkered down, and told my body that I’d be up all night and then do church and then sleep forever.

I also brought a toothbrush in case I ended up going straight from “friends in Palatine” to “church in Woodstock.”

But then, just in case I was having any doubt whatsoever about making it to church on time, God appeared.

While, actually, it was his son. On my hand.

Everyone’s hand.

It was the bar’s stamp showing you’d paid cover.

What the heck kind of bar does that? It’s like putting calorie counts on French fries, or having a little clock tell you how much of your life you just wasted on Facebook . It’s weird.

I mean, I wasn’t planning to go on some sort of sin rampage or anything, but still.

Seeing the son of God just chilling on my right hand, smiling at me, like he knew something was throwing me off. It was like he was planning to intervene later if needed. And for some reason, he thought it’d be needed.

The bartender tried to claim it was a picture of the DJ, but that made no sense at all, seeing as how there was a BAND playing.

Clearly, I made it to church on time. Early, actually.

IMG00842

– My Jesus stamp.

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Norton Antivirus needs an antidote

Holy pop-ups, can someone, somewhere in techland please kill Norton for me? A slow death that involves lazers, mace, tire marks, antibiotics and perhaps some sort of STD would be preferable, but a fast death also would suffice.

For realz guys. The stupid program is driving me insane.

Every 24 hours, it’s all HELLO! PLEASE RENEW NOW! HELLO! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! RENEW NORTON ANTI-VIRUS NOW! IF YOU DON’T RENEW RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND YOU’RE A HORRIBLE COMPUTER MOM! SO RENEW! NOW!!

I tried to tell it nicely that I’m too broke for such things. I tried to just click it away. But then, BAM. the next day, it’s back. It’s like an annoying co-worker who makes you nod along to his stories about beef jerky all the time. Everyday I say I’m not interested. But everyday they both come back.

I tried to delete the program, but it just gave me another pop-up saying I needed special permission. Seeing as how this is MY computer, the whole thing just made me hate it even more.

So then, I asked Google for help. But the suggestions I found there were slightly beyond what I felt comfortable doing to my Windows Vista, which isn’t really known for its ability to perform well under pressure and updates.

It’s almost as if Norton Antivirus has mutated into a virus that’s even more annoying than any of the viruses it’s not even protecting me from.

Kind of like how crutches make your arms hurt after you ankle heals. Except not at all. And worse.

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Weight weight, don’t tell me.

Things people say about my weight that weird me out:

I bet you’re beating off the boys with a stick now.

Umm. Huh? First of all, no. No. I am not. I live in the suburbs, where every man is married with 2.5 kids and a upside down mortgage. Second of all, why wouldn’t I have been beating them off with a stick before?

Keep it up.

What the crap? I lost 54 pounds. How in the name of all that is caloric are you not satisfied? What if I just want to keep it down for a while. Gawd.

Oh. Wow. I didn’t recognize you.

Really? You didn’t? For real? That’s insane. I still have the same eyes, nose and pink purse. You need to look closer next time.

I bet you’ll be married in no time now.

Really? Is that all I needed. You’re probably right. I mean, heck I saw a nice young man at the Wal-Mart yesterday, I bet he’ll marry me, what with the fact that I lost weight and all. Give me a break.

You’re skinnier than me now. You suck.

Umm. In fact, you are the one who sucks. I worked my behind off for the last six months so I could weigh two pounds less than you and you’re JEALOUS? Why don’t you just give up soda for like a minute, lose your stupid two pounds, and we’ll call it all even.

Do you feel healthier?

What does that even mean? It’s like asking if someone feels “30” on their birthday. I feel like Crystal.

.

Uh. Dude. I LOST 54 POUNDS! I think that should at LEAST qualify me for a, “You look nice today.” How are you not going to say anything?

And now, one that someone said that was perfect.

Your thighs look smaller.

Courtesy of my little sister. Just out of the blue. All, “Your thighs look smaller.” Made me giddy for bathing suit season.

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