medium – Page 80 – The only certainty is bad grammar

forget swears, censor scary movie ads people!

May 13, 2008 Crystal im cool, medium

ok. so seriously, what the crap is up with super scary movies being advertised on my freaking TV?

right in the middle of a freaking Scrubs rerun on WGN?

(im going to link to the preview here, but seriously, do not watch it unless you want to be SCARED out of your mind).

The commercial clearly shows a young 20-something couple getting TERROR.IZED. by random people wearing scary masks.

I held my hands over my eyes during the ad, but i think there was even a section of the commercial where the victim says something like ‘why are you doing this to us?’ and the apparent murderer responds with ‘because you were home.’

umm, how freaking scary is that?

great. now i get to imagine random people in masks killing me tonight. and when i wonder why, i’ll just think ‘oh, it must have been because i was home, duh.’

umm, i’ll have you people know that it took me WEEKS to get up the courage to watch “from hell” and “the legend of sleepy hollow” because the dvd covers were mostly black and i therefore assumed they were scary (they weren’t). and both THOSE movies have JOHNNY DEPP in them. (who i love, in case you forgot.) so why the heck would any one, any where think i would want to see a preview for “The Strangers” on my safe little TV in my safe little bedroom during a safe little episode of scrubs?

These scary movie previews are ruining america. people like ME are losing precious sleep over these stupid previews and then when im cranky tomorrow, nobody will even CARE that im too scared to turn off my lights.

nobody.

will.

even.

care.

sometimes true hollywood stories insprie me. true story.

May 9, 2008 Crystal im cool, medium

aww, who am i kidding with the “sometimes.” true hollywood stories ALWAYS inspire me.

I recently had a spare two hours and guess what E! had on?

correct.

the true hollywood story of jennifer lopez.

the following is a list of things i have since convinced myself i have in common with jennifer lopez:

nicknames:you may not know this if you didn’t see the e! true hollywood story on her like it did, but some people call her JLo. this is something i have in common with her because one time someone called me Lindell. I tried to correct that person and make them say CLi. but it didn’t work. I’m going to count as a commonality with jennifer regardless.

male suitors: She is on her third marriage. Along the way she dated a bazillion guys. I too have have dated a bazillion guys. No. Really. I have.

dresses: She once wore a dress that got her a lot of attention (it was green). this makes me like her because i once wore a green dress too. It was for easter.

marriages:When she was 24 she wasn’t married yet. I’m 24 and i’m not married yet.

acting roles: She stars in movies. me? well, I was totally in the Jane Adams Junior High School Musical when i was 13. i had lines and everything.

rejection: the first time she tried out to be fly girl for “In Living Color” she didn’t make it. Then she made it the second time. This is something i have in common with her because the first time i tried out for graduate school i didn’t get in. but then a month later i got in.

singing: She’s a good singer. I’m sing in my car when I’m alone and nobody tells me to stop.

hair color: She always changes her hair color. i TOO always change my hair color.

That concludes the list of things I have in common with Jennifer Lopez. (for now). I’m pretty confident that this all means I’m going to be rich and famous like Jennifer Lopez soon. if you want my autograph before the rush starts, just go ahead and send me a self-addressed stamped envelope.

an ode to taco bell hot sauce packets (because i have an unhealthy love for them)

May 9, 2008 Crystal anti-meat, medium

So ever since i became a vegan, i seriously cannot get enough taco bell hot sauce. im thinking it’s because my taste buds totally changed after i gave up cheese (that really does read like a realistic reason, doesn’t it? probably because it’s TOTALLY plausible).

ok. ok. i don’t ACTUALLY eat the hot sauce. i actually eat the mild sauce. what? i’m from the d*mn mid-west. im SENSITIVE to spicy foods — regardless of my cheese-less diet.

even with my mild-sauce status, i’m feeling pretty proud of myself lately. I can now officially eat like THREE mild sauce packets on ONE burrito. THREE PACKETS PEOPLE!

by this time next week i’ll probably be drinking the stuff straight up. i might even start keeping a random bottle of hot sauce on my desk like my co-worker randomly does. (true story.) (no. really. true story. what? she’s just a HOT girl.)

also, taco bell hot mild sauce is cool because it totally comes with really cool quotes. I’m just going to say it right here, right now — if a guy ever seriously wanted to marry me and he gave me a taco bell hot sauce packet that said “will you marry me?” i would probably totally say yes.

other cool sayings include:

make a wish

Tah Dah!

Ahhh…we meet again.

At night the sporks pick on me

Will you scratch my back?

This space for rent. Inquire within.

SEE how funny the people who write sayings on taco bell hot sauce packets are? shucks, they’re almost as funny me. (almost).

Also, taco bell mild sauce is really cool because it’s totally free and you can store extra packets in the little butter drawer in your fridge if you don’t eat butter.

the mild sauce totally makes an average home-cooked meal GRRREAT! i.e. home -cooked burrito: eh. BUT! home-cooked burrito with taco bell mild sauce? GRRREAT!

In conclusion: i really, really love taco bell mild sauce. tune in next week for my ode to the seven-layer burrito.*

*note: this ode to the seven-layer burrito blog entry may or may not be a real thing.