The only certainty is bad grammar – Page 85 – Too personal for the internet.

Why the Bears must fire Lovie

Published: December 14, 2009 / Updated: December 14, 2009 Crystal Uncategorized

Lovie has already decided that he’s going to lose his coaching job after this season.

He’s even accepted it, so he doesn’t care.

And because Smith doesn’t care, none of the players care.

The man doesn’t make decisions like his life depends on it. Doesn’t go for three more points at the end of the half, or any points on any possession. And he throws away timeouts as though they’re as disposable as a real evergreen tree on Dec. 26. Smith just doesn’t believe he can win the game or his job.

Worst of all though, he doesn’t coach till the end.

More the third quarter.

That used to be one of my favorite things about the Bears – down to the very last second they always had a shot. Not this year. This year, Lovie’s gung ho (ish) for the first half and kinda alive in the third quarter, but after that he just chillaxes on the sidelines (probably planning out what to order on his Lou Malnati’s deep dish).

If the team isn’t up by two touchdowns in the last 3 minutes of the game I just put an L in the win/lose column because I know they won’t pull it off.

It’s the same as when a kid doesn’t bother studying for an English final because there’s no way to get a passing grade. Or a husband who’s dead set on divorce, so counseling becomes a waste. Or a woman who’s already visualized herself wearing the $850 shoes with every outfit in her closet so there’s no way she’ll be able to leave them on the shelf and pay her rent instead.

Lovie Smith has given up on himself.

Now it’s time for Chicago to give up on Lovie.

My ankle is jacked

December 13, 2009 Crystal bears, exercise, humor, medium, sh*tty things that happen to me, Wow

The Bears apparently still suck.

Crazy huh?

Stupid Packers.

It took the cheeseheads 1 minute and 43 seconds to score, which wouldn’t be so bad if say, they had started with the ball.

Lame.

Moving on.

My ankle is JACKED.

I was at Jazzercise Saturday morning, all ‘skip-ball-change HOP! skip-ball-change HOP! skip-ball-change HOP! skip-ball-change HOLY BANANA COVERED SNOW FROM PIRATES! WHAT THE GROUND HOG DAY JUST HAPPENED?????!!!!!’

I pretty much touched the arch of my foot to my ankle bone and then landed on it.

Just writing that hurts.

It kinda looks like someone painted it purple, blue and puffy.

And before you go all “DID YOU SEE A DOCTOR” on me, A. I am still (STILL) paying off my surgery from a year ago. and B. I didn’t hear the infamous “crack” sound you hear so much about when bones break, so I’m banking on it just being sprained, in which case, I can implement RICE (rest, ice, compress, elevate) by my own self, thank you very much.

I will say that going to the bathroom has turned into a medal-worthy project involving mostly unused arm muscles and trusting a wall-mounted toilet paper holder to bear more weight than the manufacturer recommends.

Luckily, my family is so freaking awesome that as soon as I called my mom with tears in my eyes, she gathered up my sister, my niece, my grandma, a pair of crutches and some taco bell and they all came over.

Thank God.

Seriously.

Without them I’d be avoiding water so as cancel out unnecessary ladies’ room trips, living on peanut butter from the jar (I don’t really grocery shop), and using lukewarm water to ice my ankle because getting fresh ice would suck too much. Plus, I’m pretty sure my roommate doesn’t want to help me into shower – making me (much appreciated) eggs with cheese and soy chik’n strips was more her limit.

Now excuse while I take 3 advil, watch the Bears lose, and contemplate how exactly I will drive with my left foot tomorrow.

Crystal V. Wal-Mart

December 9, 2009 Crystal humor, medium, sh*tty things that happen to me

Apparently $5.32 is pretty freaking important to freaking Wal-Mart.

Today I went to return a $5 pair of tights that had never been worn and were still in the package and could be resold no problem. I bought them as a back-up in case I put on the black nylons I got for Diana’s wedding and hated them.

And I swear to cash registers that I had a freaking receipt at one point. But alas, I had left it at home. And, all I wanted was cash for the stupid tights.

But the guy, was all, ‘Ya, we have to give you a gift card.’

And I’m all “Umm, ya. I really, really, really need the cash because I have .2 gallons of gas in my car.’

And the man was all ‘No. I can’t do it.’

So I asked to see his manager.

Who was all ‘Do you have a receipt?’

And I was all, ‘No, but I really, really need the cash for gas and it’s only $5.’

‘But you don’t have a receipt?’

‘No’

“Then I have to give you a gift card.’

‘Ok. Can I see your manager please.’

‘Fine. Hey [worker person] call [specific manager’s name that’s probably known for saying no to customers]’

Next manager appears.

‘Hi! Can I help you?’

‘Yes. I just really want the $5 cash for these tights.’

‘Ok. Do you have a receipt?’

‘No. But it’s only $5 and I really need the cash to put gas in my car.’

‘Oh. Ya. Well, I can’t do that.’

This woman underestimated me and my need for gas though. To me that $5 was about 7 tribillion times more important than it could ever be to her.

I was planning to wait her out.

‘But I really, really, really need the cash for gas. FOR GAS WOMAN!’

‘Ya. I can’t do that.’

So I dropped my trump card.

‘I know you can do it. I used to work at Wal-Mart. At the service desk. And you just hit ‘cash’ instead of ‘gift card.’ Also, I know that you don’t give out gift cards unless the return is over $5, so this is just 32 cents over. AND I REALLY, REALLY need the cash for gas. Did I mention that?’

‘Fine. Give her the cash.’

And that’s how I got enough gas to get Rockford so my mom could give me money so I could eat this week. (Thanks mom!!)

True story.

Also, Wal-mart is lame.